


Swimming in the Smoke

by Indehed



Series: Chambers of the Human Heart [3]
Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-25
Updated: 2011-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-27 03:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 54,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indehed/pseuds/Indehed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Christian and Syed rebuild their lives after recent traumatic events, they get unexpected news. Meanwhile someone arrives back in Walford to confront Syed leading Christian to repeat an action from the past. And Zainab begin to come to terms with her son's life choices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings/Spoilers: continuation from my previous stories 'Burning in the Skies' and 'Beating of the Storm'. Please assume spoilers apply through current storylines/time.
> 
> The baby swap/SIDS doesn't happen in my fic universe. I don't have any problems with that storyline, it's just that it's very dramatic and I want the 'dramatic' element of Albert Square to be Chryed for the purposes of this fic! Other canon events will still happen - some will change almost completely, some will be near identical to what you saw on screen. Hopefully they will be obvious to spot!
> 
> This story portrays a canon homosexual relationship between two men.
> 
> Thanks to Madworld_NES for the beta!

It was a week since Christian had received the news of Alec's death and he and Syed were doing their best to return to normal. Problems had begun to arise when the Square began to find out about what had happened with Alec kidnapping Kamil and shooting at Christian - everyone wanted to know the details, everyone stared at them, nudged each other and whispered rumours.

Funnily enough, they'd been able to keep quite hidden away for a while and had been able to just talk to friends on the phone and dissuade them from coming over to see them in person. They just wanted to be alone in the flat and didn't feel like being sociable and putting on brave faces when they just wanted to collapse on the sofa or the bed together and, well, hug.

After seeing Police outside the flat again, Jane had rushed round from the Vic as soon as she could, leaving Alfie to cope with the orders on a busy lunchtime, to come and see her brother. She had found him with a tear stained face when he opened the door and she immediately pulled him into a hug.

"What happened?"

"He's dead..."

She had known who he'd meant and was aware he was just relieved. She took care of him that afternoon until Syed returned from a trip to a hidden destination elsewhere in London, where he'd seen his mother.

Syed came home, drained but just wanting to see Christian, and walked in to find Jane making cups of tea and Christian curled up on the sofa with the TV on showing Loose Women. He immediately knew something was wrong and rushed to his side, letting Christian fill him in on what had happened and, with an arm propped on the back of the sofa, he pulled Christian into a hug.

They pulled back and Jane brought the tea over, perching on the end of the sofa where Christian's legs were.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Syed asked her as she sat down.

"Alfie's taking care of it; I thought I might make sandwiches." She rubbed Christian's knee and smiled at him. "Like when we were young and you were sick."

"I'm not sick." Christian put in.

"I know you're not, but it's like comfort food, isn't it? You used to love my apple salad sandwiches." Jane kept smiling.

Christian didn't feel like committing to anything and so thought of a reason to excuse himself. "I'm just popping to the toilet. Talk amongst yourselves..."

*

If there was one thing Syed was well aware of about himself, it was that he'd inherited the 'mother hen' routine from his mother. He just wanted to please everyone and that was far too difficult - he'd discovered that when he made the greatest mistake of his life and married Amira. When he'd met with his mother for lunch that day they had talked about it, when Syed had brought up that he'd been trying to make sure Christian was okay after everything that had happened, and his mother had asked if Syed had taken care of himself properly. He'd been slightly unsure how to answer. As far as he was concerned he was fine, and he told her so. He told her that he'd placed his faith in Allah and he was sure that God had been in control during the whole drama and he was at peace with that. Then he'd spoken to her about how, without such a strong faith, he worried that Christian hadn't been able to put everything into some sort of perspective and was floundering a little.

When he'd arrived home to find Jane interfer-, visiting and trying to help out, he'd had to quash that other emotion he seemed to have a reputation for - jealousy. He may be equally aware of his own propensity to get possessive and jealous over things and people but this one aspect of his personality was a lot harder to control at times. And he felt himself wanting to get Jane out so that he could take care of Christian as he had been for the last week. He felt that she could do or say something that would contradict him or set them back in some way.

Christian's arm was healing fine - the physical ramifications were no worry. To be fair, Christian had been fine mentally too. But he had been quieter than usual and only in the last few days had he seemed more like the Christian everyone knew and loved - but Syed could see behind his eyes that he was still wary. It was all because he'd trusted Alec and called him his friend. Now Christian had started doubting other people around him, even if it was just the strangers behind him in the queue at the Minute Mart. It reminded Syed of when Christian had been beaten by that homophobe and he'd refused to go outside for ages. Syed had seen him through then, and he'd do it again. At least, this time, Christian wasn't afraid to set foot outside.

But he still wanted Jane to go so he could sort everything out himself.

Once Christian closed the door to the other room, Syed turned to Jane. "Well done, now he thinks everyone is stifling him."

"You've been stifling yourselves for days, Syed. Hardly anyone has seen you both."

"We just wanted to take some time out for ourselves. We've had to think about what to do about work what with everything that's happened. I'm starting back on my course in a few weeks and Christian's training again from tomorrow so no need to worry about us."

"I'm his sister, I'm your friend... of course I worry."

"Thank you, but everything's fine. Maybe you should head back to work, you know what Alfie's like in a kitchen. I'm home now."

Jane picked up her jacket and scarf and looked at Syed again. "Okay, just... tell him I'll call him tomorrow."

"Will do." He shut the door on her before she could say anything more.

*

The next day, Christian returned to work, where at least his clients were some of his oldest. He thought of them as friends. It was more of a comfortable friendship though. He wouldn't call them at midnight for a lift home, they weren't close friends... but if he was out and saw them he'd have a drink with them and he knew enough about them to ask after their family and work. It was that comfortable ease that was helping him at the moment to just continue to get through the day without worrying what people were really thinking.

After two sessions, he took a wander back down Turpin Road and stopped outside the gym. It seemed such a shame. The building was fine, in fact it was pristine. The only difference was seeing the shutters pulled down in the middle of the day with a 'closed' sign up, and he hated seeing it like that after the hard work he'd put into it. Who knew what would happen to it now that Alec was dead? Maybe someone else would buy it and take it on, or maybe they'd gut the place and turn it into something else.

He had half a mind to buy it himself, but with Syed training for another few months, he couldn't justify buying the place and being able to support both of them. Though if he could find a sympathetic bank manager maybe he'd have a bit more luck. He just didn't want to see them end up in a lot of debt. Maybe he'd raise the issue with Syed later. Syed could finish his course and set up a sports massage business and take a room in there too. They could be working together again properly. Maybe that was what they needed.


	2. Chapter 2

They'd argued.

Christian wanted them to seriously considering taking on the gym. Syed didn't want the reminder of it and Alec hanging over them - not to mention the money aspect involved. Christian was tempted to go behind Syed's back and get quotes and sort things out anyway but it was a lot of hard work to hide from Syed and, besides, he didn't want to hide things from him. They were a partnership. A team. And they should be in agreement of what they were doing, even if it was a compromise of 'going back to how things were before'.

It was a shame, because Christian had been feeling more motivated again when he was the manager of the gym. And he'd felt successful, with both he and Syed leading these normal lives and both being in charge at different work places. It had felt like they were grown up. And he'd begun to wonder if they'd be able to start a family soon enough, what with getting the finances in place, and maybe get a house too.

Having it all come crashing down had depressed him for a while. That's why early last week he'd been in a funk that Syed had had to pull him out of. He felt like his life was going backwards - like he'd taken one step forward and suddenly been forced to take two steps back.

He'd gone to bed mad at Syed and had turned away from him as they lay. Syed had tried to coax him round but when it became clear that he wasn't having any of it, Syed had given up and turned away from him too.

By morning they were cuddled up together. Unconsciously they'd gravitated to each other in the night and Christian woke to find himself pressed up against his lover with his leg thrown over Syed's. He propped his head up on his hand and looked at Syed for a few moments, realising that Syed had a point. Being reminded of everything by working there again wouldn't be good for them. Perhaps returning to how they were before was for the best - it could be like nothing had ever happened and they could return to whatever 'normal' was before Alec had intruded in their lives. Even if Alec had begun as Christian's client, and he still had plenty of them...

Syed woke slowly and turned his head to face Christian, who smiled down at him. "Morning."

"Morning," Syed replied, stretching his arms out then settling them back against Christian's chest. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah," Christian said, still smiling. He touched his hand to Syed's chin. "You were right, last night. About that place being a reminder. Going back to normal... that's the best thing to do."

Syed nodded. "I'm always right, I thought you knew that."

"You _think_ you're always right, because I let you believe it." He tickled Syed's stomach, making his lover instantly on the defensive as he sucked in a quick breath.

"Oi! Liar..." He shoved Christian lightly in the arm to get him to stop and Christian switched his attention to kissing a trail around Syed's neck and shoulders. "I was right when I said Roxy was the one using your moisturiser... I was right when I said Lucy wouldn't break and come back from Devon in less than a month...and I was right when I told you Tam wasn't the chocolate thief after he left that day a few weeks ago."

Christian raised his head and opened his mouth in mock horror. "That's because the thief was you!"

"But I was still right."

"That was cheating!"

Syed stuck his tongue out at Christian.

"That's your rebuttal? Really?" Christian said. In response, Syed nodded with a satisfied smile and then reached up, grabbed the back of Christian's neck and pulled him down into a passionate kiss. Christian fumbled to get himself on top of Syed and his hand skirted down over Syed's side, his fingers dipping under the waistband of Syed's underwear to push them down.

It was the first time since everything last week that they'd got remotely this close to having sex. Up until now their body contact had been about comfort and closeness but neither had felt confident enough to initiate anything and the mood had been sadly lacking while both dealt with the emotional impact of the kidnapping.

"Hmmmmm, I've missed this," Syed murmured between kisses, voicing the same thing Christian had just been thinking.

Both of them fumbled and kicked to get their underwear down and off their bodies before Syed wrapped his legs around Christian to pull him in closer.

"Easy, tiger," Christian smiled. "Someone's keen."

"I love you." Syed's eyes pierced into Christian's and he felt a moment of shock. It was always a heart-warming jolt when he saw that look in Syed's eyes that made his heart speed up and skip a beat all at the same time. It was a feeling he revelled in and would never get tired of.

"Don't ever stop," he said in return and Syed's face broke out in a self-satisfied grin.

"I don't think that's possible."

*

Christian had sung in the shower. He hadn't done that for a while. It felt good to feel good again, if that made any sense. When he came out, one towel wrapped around his waist and the other rubbing his hair dry, he kept humming and Syed laughed while finishing making their breakfast in the kitchen wearing underwear and a t-shirt of Christian's that was too baggy on him.

"What's so funny?" Christian smiled despite trying to pretend to ask it seriously.

"Nothing!" Syed leaned against the pillar. "It's just... I'm happy that I made... this." He gestured up and down Christian's body.

"You're happy that you made... me?" Christian's eyebrows knitted in confusion with just a hint of humour.

Syed rolled his eyes. "No, that... what we did earlier put you in this good mood."

"Ahhh," Christian tilted his head back in understanding. "So you are taking credit because you are just that good in bed."

"Something like that."

"Well, credit where credit is due." Christian sidled up to Syed and took his hands in his own, leaning in and planting a soft kiss on his lips. "It's always amazing... consider my mind blown once again."

"This is doing wonders for my ego."

"What about mine?" Christian pouted.

"You're not too bad yourself."

"Hey!" Christian slapped Syed's hip since he couldn't properly reach his backside and in return Syed whipped Christian's towel off and slipped away from him before he could grab it back. "Give that back."

He grabbed hold of Syed near the sofa and they tumbled together over it with Syed landing on top and he threw the towel away from them, keeping Christian pinned down underneath him.

"This isn't fair," Christian began. "I'm naked and you have clothing on. I thought we were equal in this relationship."

"Always." Syed nodded, but then on reflection added, "Except right now."

"Cheeky git."

As they smiled at each other, the door buzzer went off.

"Who the hell is that?" Christian asked.

"How should I know?"

"Maybe they'll go away..."

The buzzer went again.

"You get it, you're closer." Christian said.

Syed clambered off him and darted over to pick up the phone. "Hello? ...Yes it is... okay, but what does that have to do with us? ...Oh okay... right, can you give us a few minutes? ...Thanks."

Syed hung up the phone, his face fallen. Christian had retrieved the towel and wrapped it around himself again. Approaching Syed, he could sense the mood change in the air.

"What's happened?" He put his hand out to Syed's shoulder.

"You'd better get dressed."

"Who is it?"

"It's a solicitor. Alec's solicitor. He says he needs to go over items from the will."

"What's that got to do with us?" Christian backed away slightly.

"According to what I was just told, quite a lot."


	3. Chapter 3

They had offered him tea and milled around making small talk while the solicitor - Mr Hay - had opened his briefcase, looked out papers and pulled out a laptop.

They all sat together and Christian and Syed held hands under the table, exchanging worried glances, until Syed piped up for them. "We don't understand what all this has to do with us."

"Well, Mr Banagher's cousin has been finalising details of the death, funeral arrangements, police reports and his Last Will and Testament. The reading was done yesterday and I have been asked, on behalf of the family, to notify all beneficiaries."

"You mean Christian's in the Will?" Syed glanced at Christian again. Christian understood why - clearly Syed was nervous about what might have been left to them, when they'd only just managed to put things behind them. Being left something would be that reminder they didn't want.

"You both are, technically speaking."

"Wait, what?" Christian let Syed continue to do all the talking and sat back while Syed leaned forward.

"Mr Banagher made provisions in his Will for various assets, including the businesses he owned. He had very little in the way of family and although they inherit the Estate and any monetary funds left over after funeral costs, he has left each of his four businesses to whomever is the current manager of each individual establishment. Going by all of the records he has, that means that Mr Clarke, as manager of AB-C's Gym at 7 Turpin Road, will inherit that business. Mr Masood, you are the listed manager for the Argee Bhajee Restaurant at 88-90 George Street and will similarly inherit that establishment." Mr Hay looked up at them after reading and took off the reading glasses he was wearing. "Are there any questions?"

"Plenty," Christian finally said. "But I'm not sure you can even answer them."

"I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to you both and I am aware of the circumstances surrounding Mr Banagher's death, so I can understand your shock. Before Mr Banagher's... _mental breakdown_... he did have the best interests of his employees at heart. That's why he wanted to see the businesses continue on as they were by giving them to those he trusted as managers."

"Will it be a long process? Signing over?" Christian asked.

"From a legal standpoint on my end, maybe not as long as you'd think. Mr Banagher wanted the businesses to be able to continue on in the interim regardless so you can go to work, you can pay your employees, you can order in new stock. Anything that would go with the day to day running should be able to continue as normal. Mr Banagher has done his best to ensure that. Legally."

"Okay." Christian leaned a little toward Syed and gripped his hand under the table again.

"Like I said, it's a bit of a shock. I can call back tomorrow at the premises themselves and we can organise more of the handover. In the meantime, I can leave you both to discuss everything."

"Yes, well, thank you for... everything." Christian stood and wiped his hands on his jeans before heading round the table to show Mr Hay out the door. Leaving his card with them, the solicitor took his leave and headed down the steps.

Closing the door, Christian leaned back against it, took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Syed approached him slowly.

"We were just going back to normal and then he somehow rears his head again with this. How are you?"

"I'm fine." Christian shook his head while he said it. "I mean, I know what we said last night about the reminder of the past but it's not every day you get a business just handed to you on a plate like this. Two businesses, even."

"I know, but do we really want to take them on?"

"We did before, that doesn't have to change."

"But this time, we wouldn't have Alec to fall back on if they failed. Instead it would be us who could lose everything."

"If the worst came to the worst, we could sell on, but we can't go into business expecting it to fail. There's no reason why they can't be a success. Everyone needs to eat and plenty of people need a place to work out. Think about it, Syed. Us. Business owners. Successful." He grabbed Syed's hands. "We can have all those things we talked about before."

"Before?"

"You know. Get a house, start a family. Become boring old fogies whose lives revolve around taking care of the kids, doing housework and paying bills."

"You make it sound so appealing," Syed said, sarcastically.

Christian's face turned serious as he reached a hand out to take one of Syed's. "I mean it. I want us to start a family together and this is still the same 'perfect opportunity' that it was a few months back."

"Well," Syed thought about it. "I quit the restaurant because I didn't want Alec in our lives anymore. It's the same reason you quit the gym, but he's dead now. I guess he can't do anything to us anymore."

"Precisely. Let's move on with our lives and maybe make something of what he did to us."

Syed nodded his head and Christian beamed a smile at him and pulled him into a hug.

"Maybe we should go house hunting at the weekend. You know, at least find out pricing and stuff. Or we could look into surrogacy, since we'll need to know more about it-"

"Woah, hold your horses a moment. We've still got a lot of work ahead of us yet. The gym needs re-opened and the Argee Bhajee never actually got its grand re-opening because the refurbishment hadn't been finished. Just slow down and we'll get there."

"I'm sorry, I'm just excited. I want everything to be perfect." Christian pulled back enough to plant a kiss on Syed's lips.

"It will be. Just give it time."

"Slow down...? I can do that." Christian pulled Syed back into a hug.

*

Walter snuck around the back of house and into the converted garage where Alec was lying on the cot bed. Walter had designed it as a bit of a lad's pad with a pool table, darts board, sofa, television and fridge stocked with beer, and now here he was letting his cousin crash on a cot bed while trying to evade the Police.

To be fair, the Police were no longer looking for him, not after he'd identified a random body as being Alec's. Now they just had to work out how to get him out of the country.

"The Solicitor read the Will yesterday," Walter said.

"You're welcome," Alec spoke back. His bandaged arm was covering his eyes so the light didn't affect them after Walter flicked the switch on.

"I told him he could go tell all the others what you'd left them in it."

"They're welcome too. All my years of hard work and now it's all being given away. Still, this is why one has money stashed in places nobody knows about. At least I had that foresight."

"We need to get you out."

"I'm not going yet."

"It's not worth the risk, Alec. This Christian bloke, he can't be that special. Not enough for you to be going through all of this. For you to be needing all of this from me."

"You've never met him, how would you possibly know if he's worth it or not?" Alec sat up and swung his legs over the bed and onto the floor, fixing Walter with a glare. "He's ten times the man I am and he deserves the world. All I want to do is give it to him."

"He picked the other guy though."

"He didn't PICK Syed!" Alec shouted, before lowering his voice in concern. "Muslim boy has some sort of hold over him, I don't know what it is but I'm going to break it."

"This is insane, Alec. You need to give this up, and get out of here while you still can."

"No!" Alec threw the pillow at Walter. "After everything that's happened, I won't leave without seeing this through. I have unfinished business in Walford and I'm going back there."


	4. Chapter 4

"All I ever wanted for you was a loving family... but this..."

"I know." Syed nodded his head as his mother talked.

"I don't know, Syed. Being 'gay' is one thing, but raising a child?" Zainab nursed her coffee and spoke in relatively hushed tones as they sat in the coffee shop somewhere in North London.

"When Christian first brought it up that was my first thought. That it's morally wrong."

"Then why agree to it?"

"Because it's still a dream of mine too. To have a family with the person that I love. To love and raise a child... it's something I know I can do. I'm no different to how I was before. I'm still me. If Amira had been pregnant, and I had stayed married to her despite loving someone else... wouldn't that have been more wrong than the honest and happy relationship I'm in now?"

"Syed, I'm still struggling with this."

"I know." He reached a hand out to cover one of his mother's. "I know. But I just want to explain how my faith hasn't changed, it's just... shifted. Expanded. Everything I was ever taught is still in here." He pointed to his head. "I've just been able to re-interpret it, to understand other ways of thinking, and it's made my faith stronger."

"So what, the rules go out the window? Because you want them to?"

"None of them have. Look... I told you that I prayed to Allah to bring Kamil and Christian back to us. He did. If he disapproved of me, wouldn't he have punished me by taking those I care about away from me? That's not what happened, mum. Christian is with me, Kamil is with you and right now, we're drinking tea together. If it hadn't been for everything that happened, we wouldn't be here. This is what was meant to happen. We've been given this chance to heal."

Zainab's face softened as she turned her hand in Syed's and gripped it tightly. "I've always loved you. Throughout everything. Things like that don't change. But my youngest son was taken from me, leaving me distraught. And my middle son was attacked. And my eldest son has been shunned by his community for living a deviant lifestyle. All of that? It sounds like punishment to me."

"And like I said. It's all in the interpretation. And we won't know which is right for a very long time."

*

"I don't get it, babe. I thought it's what you wanted."

"It is. I do." Syed answered from the sofa while Christian pulled a new jumper on so they could go out to the pub. "It's just, I'm spending all this time with her and she's still having a hard time accepting everything, and it's just... tiring... to always have to be careful what I say."

"You're doing your best, that's all you can do. Show her you're happy as you are, concentrate on being you and give her some time." Christian came over and leaned on the back of the sofa, bending down to kiss Syed upside down.

"Orange really isn't your colour," Syed grimaced and earned himself a slap around the ear for his comment.

"You said you liked it when I bought it."

"I said that to keep you happy."

"Then why tell me now? Urgh!"

*

"Okay, it's been an hour, I think we've been stood up." Syed pushed his sleeve back over his watch.

"I can't believe she stood us up. What on Earth could have been more important?"

"This is Roxy we're talking about..." Syed received a glare in response.

"I know you don't like her-"

"I like her plenty!" Syed laughed. "I'm just saying that if she found something better to do, well, she isn't the kind of person who thinks to ring you and let you know. She's flaky."

"I know she is. But she's my best friend. And she's the one who wanted to do this. She's the one who wanted to check up on me after everything. I'm not stupid; I know that all these people suddenly arranging to spend time with me are doing it for the same reason."

Syed leaned over the table and put his hand on top of Christian's. "They just want you to be okay. Everyone does."

"They've been doing it to yo, too. Hasn't it annoyed you yet?"

Syed shrugged. "It shows they care."

"Yeah," Christian scoffed. "But only when they actually show up. Come on, let's go find her."

*

Glenda let them in and Christian commented when they went up the stairs. "She's not answering the door or her phone."

"Maybe she doesn't want to see you."

"She's the one who made the plans," Christian replied.

"We got worried," Syed threw in.

It was at that moment that Roxy's head popped round the door of a bedroom and as she stood there in nothing but a towel, Christian couldn't help but mouth 'what?' confusedly.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Lunch in the Vic remember? It was your idea. You're an hour late. We got... concerned."

"There's no need." At that moment another face popped out from behind the door; a newcomer to the Square who Christian hadn't even met properly but he'd overheard others talking about him. Michael Moon.

"I can see that," Christian began. "You know what? Forget it. Come on, Syed." Christian grabbed Syed's hand and backed down the stairs, planning on storming out and getting a bit of a deja vu for it where Roxy was concerned.

"Christian, wait, I'm sorry! I forgot! I'll make it up to you!"

Christian dropped Syed's hand, shook his head and went back up a few of the steps to look her hard in the eyes. "I'm pretty sure the whole point of lunch was to cheer me up. Well done on that."

"Are you two...?" Michael asked, gesturing between the two of them.

"Oh grow up, be serious." Michael put his hands up and backed away into the living room behind him as Christian continued, "I thought you wanted to be here for me. I've been through a lot recently, Rox... I needed my friend to be there for me."

"I am!"

"No, no you're not. There's been one person there for me this entire time, and it's not been you. Come on, Syed." He said Syed's name pointedly, making Roxy entirely aware of how much of a crappy friend she had been recently, and he stormed back out, almost running into Jack and baby James in a pram as he bolted off with Syed in tow.

Syed's hand dropped from his at some point before they hit the gardens of the Square and then he heard Syed call to him. "Christian, wait!" And somehow, like an obedient dog, he stopped when he heard Syed's command.

As he turned to Syed he wiped his face and then Syed bundled him into a hug and they stood there, near Arthur's bench, just hugging; once more feeling like they only had each other to get through everything.

What they didn't see was the figure in a dark hoodie watching from the end of the row of houses.


	5. Chapter 5

Syed propped himself up on both his elbows as he watched Christian pad around the flat in the early morning light.

"You're walking funny," he said, his head tilting to the side slightly as he appreciated the view.

"Yeah, I know," Christian answered as he leaned down to pick up his jeans and t-shirt, carrying them into the other room to dump in the washing basket. Coming back out, he continued. "It's all your fault too." As he clocked Syed's grin he continued, "And don't look so smug about it."

"What?" Syed grinned. "This isn't smug; this is... basking in accomplishment."

Christian decided to leave the 'getting dressed' part of the morning until later and climbed back on top of the covers beside Syed who was safely nestled below them. "I wouldn't get cocky about it if I were you. I'll get my revenge, you know I will." He grabbed onto Syed's hair and pulled, forcing Syed's head back as he attacked his neck and ear with his lips and tongue.

"Ah!" Syed exclaimed, trying to force his way on top of Christian but getting the covers tangled around them, making it difficult. Eventually he managed, and pinned Christian below him. "I look forward to it."

"Challenge accepted." Christian growled.

The alarm went off on the table beside them, indicating it was time for them to get a move on and start their day properly. The gym was open again and Syed was once more hard at work in the Argee Bhajee, putting the finishing touches to the restaurant ahead of a grand opening next week. They were settling back into their lives, which now had a lot more structure to them, and that was helping normality resume.

Syed watched as Christian leaned over to put the alarm off and then pouted at Christian. "Just five more minutes..."

"We can't. We have to go to work, and your 'five more minutes' always turns into ten, then twenty..."

"Fine. We'll just have to go to bed five minutes early tonight."

Christian smiled, "That sounds like a plan I can get behind..."

*

Christian smiled and even hummed on his way to work that day. Both men walked down Turpin Road looking every inch the happy couple, with Christian's arm slung over Syed's shoulder and Syed holding onto Christian's hand. They parted ways as they reached the Argee Bhajee and Christian gave Syed a peck on the lips before heading off further down the road to the gym.

The smile faded as he approached the front door to find it unlocked. He frowned, as he was convinced he'd locked it up the day before... in fact, he remembered clearly that he'd been talking to Sylvia as they left and as she had mentioned about taking her son to the cinema that evening, he had pushed against the door to check it was locked, he remembered it clearly!

He walked in with trepidation and called out a quick hello in case there was someone inside. The place was silent except for the low hum of electricity as he switched on some of the lights and powered up the computers and television screens. He walked through the rooms carefully, ducking his head into the office for a look and then into each of the changing rooms and toilet cubicles... he pushed the doors open with force in case someone was hiding behind, but there was nothing.

All the equipment looked fine, and there didn't appear to be any signs of someone searching for anything.

Maybe he hadn't been as careful as he thought when locking up?

He sat at his desk with a thump and leaned back, rubbing his eyes as he tried not to think about the fact that maybe he was going insane. He opened his drawer and pulled out the key for the safe from the hidden compartment under the top drawer and opened the cupboard it was in. He needed to get the last week's takings over to the bank and get change as well before they opened up for the day.

That was odd.

The petty cash box wasn't where it always was at the back of the safe. Had he moved it for some reason? He couldn't remember having done so... it must have been there when he'd last opened the safe, but then maybe because he was so used to seeing it there he hadn't bothered to look. He'd have to have a hunt around for it later on but he didn't have time right now.

He closed and bolted the safe, ready to go back out quickly, this time making sure everything was securely locked and double checking it all as he left.

*

He'd seen them from the window on the top level. He'd only been checking that the coast was clear for him to leave and he'd kept hidden behind the blinds but when he'd seen Christian walking down the street below he had to stop and look. The only problem was that his image was spoiled by the sight of Syed at his side. Both men smiling, arm in arm and looking like the perfect couple. It made his blood boil. That should be _him_ with Christian! It should be _him_ making Christian that happy! When he thought about Syed, when he only even heard his name it just made him want to lash out. It was a hatred that filled his being, making him see an awful shade of red. A red as bright as the blood rushing through his veins. He imagined doing to Syed what he and Mickey had done to that druggie. He imagined seeing Syed's lifeless body on the ground underneath him. Then he imagined it like he'd imagined his parents' deaths - with Syed screaming and choking on smoke from a fire that he couldn't escape. It all seemed so marvellous to him - and he needed it to become a reality.

Once Christian was out the door and Alec could hear the doors being locked he emerged from the hiding place he'd sought out quickly when he realised Christian was coming in. It was pure dumb luck that Christian hadn't checked inside the cleaning cupboard. Alec could hear doors opening and closing all over the place and knew something was up, that maybe he'd been rumbled. The closet was so small that Christian probably didn't even think of checking it, not expecting that anyone could be in it. And Alec had come close to giving the game away but he'd caught the broom handle before it had whacked into the door.

He thought he'd done the right thing. He hadn't taken a lot of money - just enough to keep him going for now - and he'd taken nothing from the actual takings. He may be in trouble right now but he'd never cooked the books and he wasn't going to start now. He just needed enough ready cash for the moment and he'd be able to access foreign bank accounts once he and Christian were out of the country. He hated the fact that he was stealing but since he'd be able to make it up to Christian later, he was able to reconcile that in his head.

He was careful as he pulled himself out and then padded down the stairs. This time he decided to use the back entrance to leave. It was after 9am now and people would be in the streets so he had to keep himself properly hidden.

The old delivery door at the back had stayed locked for weeks but he still had all the keys for every one of his businesses and after fumbling through them to find which one was for this door, he made his way out. Pulling the dark hoodie over his head to hide himself from Walford's finest, he disappeared again down the dank alleyways of London.


	6. Chapter 6

Christian absentmindedly mumbled along to the song he could hear floating up the stairs from the gym below while he fast forwarded through DVDs of security footage from the night before. The door being unlocked that morning was still playing on his mind and while on the phone with Syed, his partner had recommended checking the footage.

It had taken him quite some time at first as the cameras captured plenty of drunken idiots up until about 2am, but since then he'd been able to buzz through pretty quickly. It was when he'd reached 7am that he'd spotted a dark figure in the footage but that person had only appeared briefly and, as far as he could tell, gone nowhere near the door.

He rewound it though, to watch again, and leaned forward in his chair. The figure only ever skirted the edges of the camera's vision, which made him wonder if whoever it was knew they were being recorded.

He was going insane.

Nothing was taken, the locks were in perfect working order and as far as he could really tell it was only the regular drunken idiots of Walford who had been anywhere near the building overnight. It made no sense for it to be a robbery and what other possible use could anyone have to come into the gym?

Speaking of, he still hadn't found that petty cash. But that had been in the safe and nothing else had gone missing from it. Still... no! He was being overly worried about it. He'd probably just not locked the door after all and he must have moved the money from the safe to somewhere else at some point.

He'd been distracted plenty of times this first week back, considering the memories he was trying to wipe clean of things in here, and he'd picked up and moved many items that had belonged to Alec.

Everything was fine.

He checked his watch and then quickly got his skates on - Lesley was coming in for a session in the next ten minutes.

*

"I looked but I really think it's all just my imagination," Christian said in answer to Syed's question as they made dinner.

"But maybe it's not. If there's anything I've learned in these past few months it's not to ignore a bad feeling about something."

"This is different. There's nothing wrong with the place. It was probably me after all, just in a hurry to get home." He smiled and sidled up behind Syed, hugging around his waist.

"I can't imagine why." Syed pulled the spoon out of the pot and held it up for Christian to taste, earning him a nod of approval in response.

"It's ready, babe." Christian pulled back but kept his hands on Syed's waist as he continued. "I dunno though, funny feeling or not, I don't think there's any way to pursue this except to just keep an eye out. And double check behind myself when I leave at night."

"You should be doing that anyway."

"I do," Christian said unconvincingly. "I did today."

"Go. Sit." Syed pushed Christian away with one hand while the other held the pot. "Dinner will be right out."

*

After dinner they sat on the couch together. Christian's arm was behind Syed's shoulders and he held a glass of red wine in the other hand, while Syed leaned in against Christian with his fingers tracing lazy circles on Christian's jean-clad thigh.

Right when Christian was beginning to get tired of watching hospital dramas there was a knock at the door.

Syed turned into Christian, "You expecting someone?"

"No," Christian shook his head as he extricated himself from the sofa and went to the door. Whoever it was had made it up from the bottom door so they must know the person - strangers didn't usually test to see if that door was unlocked and most would have enough manners to ring the actual doorbell. He was surprised to see the mop of blonde hair when he opened the door. "Roxy."

"Hi," she shuffled her feet and knit her gloved hands together as if nervous and repentant. "Can we talk?"

"Got time for us now, have you?" Christian asked sarcastically, as he watched Syed join them out of the corner of his eye. No doubt he was giving Roxy one of his glares.

"Look, please don't say 'I told you so' alright? I really thought Michael and I might have something."

Christian immediately softened. Roxy always had a way of winning him over without even doing much of anything in the way of convincing him.

"What's he done?"

"Nothing really, I think that's the point. He was with another woman in the Vic."

"Come 'ere." Christian pulled her into a hug.

"I could use a drink; do you want to come out with me? R&R?" Roxy moaned into Christian's chest.

"Not tonight, babe. Syed and I are having a night in with the television." He pulled back from her a little. "You can join us if you'd like."

"Yeah, that sounds good. So long as I'm not interrupting..." she caught Syed's eyes, wanting his approval too.

"It's fine." Syed said. It was off-the-cuff and Christian couldn't fully tell if he meant it genuinely or was saying it to be nice to her and Christian, but right now he'd let it slide.

*

Roxy was on one end of the sofa, Syed at the other, and Christian was feeling as if he was trapped in the middle; only because both of them kept close to him as if staking a claim. He felt like he needed to offer Roxy some comfort after everything but there was no way he was going to neglect Syed either. At the moment he'd settled on holding Syed's hand while putting his arm around Roxy along the back of the sofa.

"Where's Amy tonight?"

"Mum's got her," Roxy said absently and as Christian pouted she turned to him. "What? You wanting more babysitting duties?" She laughed as she looked at Syed as well.

"He's broody," Syed said with a slight smile, and Roxy laughed.

"Seriously? I thought you liked the fact you could hand Amy back to me when you were done."

"I just, I dunno..." Christian looked down at his hands. "I want a family and now that Sy and I are doing well, it seems like a good time." He turned his head to Syed, "I just need to convince him of the fact."

"You do have one problem though, Christian," Roxy said, and he turned back to her. "Neither of you are actually able to get pregnant."

"There are ways and means, you know that," Christian replied.

"We can take our time and work everything out," Syed said looking between them both.

Roxy slapped Christian on the thigh. "Right, I need the loo, be right back."

Once she was out of sight, Syed turned his full attention to Christian. His gaze distracted Christian enough from the television that he had to meet Syed's eyes. "What?"

Syed leaned in and murmured in Christian's ear, "Get rid of her... and I'll do that thing you like..."

Christian swallowed and watched as Syed pulled back slightly and licked his lips. "With your...?" He motioned towards his tongue, his throat suddenly dry and unable to get the word out. Syed just nodded slowly through a smile and Christian couldn't help himself as he closed the distance between them and kissed Syed with all his might, their tongues duelling for dominance between them as hands roamed, forgetting that they still had a house guest.

Roxy re-emerged after a few minutes and threw herself back down on the sofa. "Not interrupting anything, am I?" She pulled her phone out and began texting as Christian broke away from Syed. He was slightly startled as the sofa had moved under him as she'd plonked herself back down.

Turning to her while keeping his arm around Syed he said, "Shouldn't you be checking on Amy now?"

She pointed to her phone. "That's what I'm doing. I'm texting mum."

"Texting? I really think you ought to go over in person."

"What is this? You on a promise or something?" She laughed a little as she looked between the two men, but it seemed to be slowly sinking in that they wanted her gone for a reason.

"You could say that." Christian stood and pulled Roxy to her feet.

"Okay! Okay! Give me a minute, will ya, he'll keep!"

"Where's your coat?" Christian fussed, trying to find everything and handing over her bag.

"Hold your horses, I'm getting there," she said as she pulled her purple coat on. "Aren't you going to show me out?"

"You know where the door is," Christian huffed.

"Hey, Mister, there's such a thing as manners, show me out properly!" Roxy scolded him and with a roll of his eyes he took her by the arm and led her out.

*

Syed sat for a few moments but then decided to get ready for Christian's return and tore his shirt off over his head and made his way to the bed where he yanked down the covers to make room for them.

He undid his belt and unfastened his jeans and while he was pulling them down he heard Christian push the door shut and bolt it. For some reason Christian was taking his time, as Syed would expect him to be bounding back in to get his promised 'reward' - and yet there was no sign of him for a surprising number of precious seconds.

"Christian?" Syed asked. "Is something wrong?"

Christian made his way slowly into the room properly again, seemingly distracted. "Roxy, she uh..." He scratched his head. "She just offered to have our baby."

Syed's eyes widened in disbelief. "She what?" He stood and almost tripped over his own jeans as he kicked them off properly.

"She said she'll be our surrogate."


	7. Chapter 7

"She's offering to do this amazing thing for us."

"I know. But she offered after getting depressed over a bloke - not exactly the best time to be making a decision like that!"

"She's my best friend. She wants to do it because we love each other."

"Which 'we' do you mean here? You and me or you and Roxy?" Syed scowled.

"Oh, okay, is that what this is about? Are you getting jealous again?" Christian rolled his eyes; he'd never thought Syed would get jealous of woman but he was certainly getting that impression right now.

"Yeah, right. I'm jealous of Roxy." Syed scoffed.

"It sure sounds like it."

Syed looked away and sighed. "I just want us to take this slowly. Think everything through. Have a proper discussion!"

"We did."

"No, we didn't, not properly. We threw around some possibilities and 'what if's... that's not a discussion."

"Fine then, we can talk about it later. Roxy said she'd meet us for dinner."

"You arranged stuff without talking to me?"

"I got a text while you were in the shower!"

"Fine, look... let's all have dinner and discuss this properly. I need to get to work."

*

Christian wandered down the road on his way to the gym. This was the first morning in a while that he hadn't walked with Syed, saying goodbye when they reached the Argee Bhajee with a quick kiss. After arguing this morning, Syed had, basically, stormed out and, though he was tempted to follow, Christian thought it best to give him some room to breathe.

He was beginning to wonder if they really were moving too fast. Roxy hadn't been in the best of states the night before but it wasn't like she'd been drunk and hadn't known what she was saying. He couldn't help himself when he got excited and once he had his mind set on something he preferred to grab it with both hands and quickly. But now he was with Syed he really did have to learn to compromise a bit more on these things - Syed was the thinker, Christian was the doer. Of course that meant they complimented each other well - but only when they actually listened to each other.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Roxy's number. It was probably best to cancel dinner tonight. Maybe instead he'd surprise Syed and take him out so it was just the two of them and they could have the proper discussion that Syed wanted.

He promised Roxy that they'd get together properly later instead and he popped his phone back into his coat pocket.

He wasn't entirely looking where he was going, lost in thought, and a few seconds later he bumped straight into someone coming from the opposite direction. He apologised but the man quickly kept going without a word, the hood of his jumper right up over his head, which meant Christian hadn't even been able to recognise him to apologise properly.

Instead he just rolled his eyes at the rudeness.

*

The other man turned, braving a look behind him once Christian had walked away. Hiding under the cover of the hood he pulled his own hands out of the front pocket of the sweater and produced a silver phone he'd suddenly acquired, beginning to scroll for a familiar name in the phone book...

*

Syed had to go to the printers. The Argee Bhajee was due to open in a few weeks now so he was getting fliers made up for it. On top of that he had to get prices from the paper for advertising and he had to sort out job specs for getting hiring under way...

He knew that Christian was well aware that he had a busy day ahead of him but when he got the text asking him to meet him at the Bhajee at noon he didn't really think anything of it. Maybe he wanted to apologise. Still, it meant he'd have to go back to the restaurant when he hadn't planned to, but if it meant them making up in some form then he'd be fine with it. After all, he hated when they were at odds, it always made him lose his appetite, for one, when his stomach knotted up.

He texted back a quick 'okay' and then got distracted by thinking about what they might discuss and how he'd phrase everything to get his point across.

He wanted children but he had to tread very carefully. He'd been brought up to believe that two gay men shouldn't raise a child, but then he'd also been raised to believe being gay was wrong. Yes, he'd been able to reconcile that but it had been a long road and really, he needed Christian to give him time to reconcile this as well. And he couldn't kid himself that, with his relationship with his mother getting slowly back on track, he really didn't want to rock that boat yet.

He hoped he wasn't being selfish but they had plenty of time to think about having a family once they had built up these two businesses.

And he wanted more time to spend with Christian first - just the two of them.

*

Ian was tying the apron around his waist when he spotted the mobile phone sitting on the counter beside the till.

"Marie, what did I tell you about having your phone out in front of customers like this?"

"It's not mine, it was handed in."

Ian held the phone up and tried to see if it was locked so he could work out who it belonged to. "It should be taken to the Police Station, not here. What am I, some sort of community service?"

"No, the guy who found it said he was sure it's Christian's. Thought we'd see him first to give it back to him."

Ian shook his head and put the phone back down. "So now I'm Christian's errand boy?"

"No need, I phoned the gym, told them to pass on a message that it's here for him."

"Oh... right. Well, then. I should charge Christian rental space for keeping it here, then, shouldn't I?" He grinned at Marie. It was a joke, of course, but actually not a bad idea. Maybe he should consider putting in storage lockers... maybe in the chippy...

*

"Hello?" Syed let himself into the restaurant. Christian had keys for it too, so it was entirely possible that he was already here. "Sorry I'm late, delays on the Tube..."

He took a quick wander around and checked in the office and behind the bar area. "Hello?" he called again. Not seeing anyone, he thought he must have beaten Christian after all.

He pushed through the swing door into the kitchen and immediately stopped dead in his tracks. His face drained of all colour when he saw who was standing there.

It wasn't possible.

"Hello, Syed."

"Alec."


	8. Chapter 8

"You got my text then." Alec looked up from where he was leaning against the silver countertop.

"What text?" Syed asked warily. He wasn't sure what to do and felt frozen to the spot. Alec was alive?

"To meet me here."

"That was from Christian." The situation slowly sunk in. It was from Christian's number... but Alec must have sent it. "What have you done to him?"

"Nothing, he's perfectly fine... I expect he's hard at work at the gym... probably wearing one of those tight workout vests..." Alec smiled, but it seemed far too sinister to Syed. The man was clearly still infatuated, but more importantly, why was he still alive?

Syed swallowed. "You're supposed to be dead."

"Yeah... that didn't quite happen."

"You came back."

"And you're stating the obvious. Of course I came back. I've got unfinished business and I think it's time we settle this once and for all."

*

"Hey." Christian greeted Ian as he came into the cafe. "I think you've got my phone?"

Ian roughly shoved the phone over the counter-top. "I'm not a lost property service, you know."

Christian smiled tightly at Ian, putting up with the comment. "Thanks."

As Christian turned to leave again, Ian stopped him, "Hey, hey, hey!"

"What?"

"Aren't you going to order anything? Maybe even sit down and have some lunch...?" Ian plastered a completely fake smile on his face.

Christian rolled his eyes. He'd got his phone back and he was pretty lucky for that, considering whoever had found it had realised it was is. Though it would have to be someone who knew him well enough, and yet, why hadn't they just given it to him themselves? "Fine, can I have a cup of tea and a bacon roll then..."

He sighed and took a seat at one of the tables as he began checking through his phone, just to make sure it worked okay.

*

"There's nothing to settle." Syed was feeling braver now, though he was very wary of what Alec could do or had planned. "If you want to treat it like some competition then fine - I win. Because Christian is my fiancé, we live together, we eat together, we _sleep_ together... you were never anything more than a friend to him. And you even managed to screw that up."

"I got a bit crazy, I know... but he knows why. He knows what happened by the canal. What was said."

"What are you talking about?" Syed edged his way around the kitchen, being sure to keep the hot plate counter between them.

"Didn't tell you, did he?" This made Alec grin, like he'd achieved some sort of victory. "He was coming with me. We were going to run away together. It was you and the stupid police that got in the way of that. He told me he wanted to go with me."

"He didn't mean it." Syed knew it was true. He knew that Christian had only been saying things to Alec to keep him calm. He had heard enough of that during their brief phone conversation. Christian had never told him what had actually happened in the warehouse and truth be told, he didn't want to know - probably because he knew it would be something like this. And fake or not, lies or not - he didn't want to hear it.

"That's what you want to believe. You accuse me of thinking my relationship with Christian is some fairytale I've made up in my head. But maybe it isn't - maybe it's _you_ that's made up some ideal relationship..."

Syed refused to let Alec play mind games with him. Of course he wasn't making anything up. He and Christian were happy and healthy and engaged to be married. Alec was the one who had done wrong by kidnapping Kamil and putting everyone through that trauma. Christian had been distant at times since then but it was down to the shock of the events and nothing more. Their relationship was surely stronger now than ever before, if that was even possible.

"No..."

"You didn't look too happy this morning... you left the flat on your own and that's not normal, is it?"

"We had a fight. But that's none of your business." Alec had been watching them, and that made him shudder. He really had to remember not to let Alec manipulate him. His private life was just that and he had no reason to justify anything to this man.

"Christian always confided in me about his worries, you know. About you two... the age gap, the difference in religion... there's plenty in there to worry about, to clash over. Christian and I don't have those problems. We're much better suited to each other; surely even you can see that."

"Whatever differences Christian and I have, they make us stronger as a unit. We respect them in each other."

"Oh for heaven's sake, Syed, open your eyes! You have no future with him! You'll break his heart one day." Alec moved closer and leaned forward over the counter between them. "Do him a favour... break it off before someone gets hurt."

Syed kept his head down. All these things were worries that of course had always played on his mind, but he'd happily dismissed because they loved each other. Hearing someone else bring them up made him feel guilty, yet he had nothing to feel guilty about. He couldn't place why he would feel that way but then, after everything he'd put Christian through before they finally got together properly... he felt he owed Christian so much and he was petrified he would do something to hurt him again.

"Syeeeed..." Alec sing-songed, and Syed snapped out of it. He couldn't let Alec get the upper hand now, he had to be strong, he had to face up to him... and he had to alert someone to what was going on. But not Christian. He couldn't put Christian through this yet. He tried to pull his phone from his pocket without arousing suspicion so he could call the police.

"Cat got your tongue?" Alec goaded. "Did I hit a little too close to home for you?" He smirked and even laughed as he riled Syed up, but it was then that his expression suddenly changed, as he noticed what Syed was trying to hide. "Give me that." Alec demanded.

"What?" Syed tried to remain innocent, but the act wasn't fooling Alec.

"Your phone. Hand it over now." He shot his hand out across the counter. "I have a gun in my pocket Syed, don't make me get it out."

Syed paused for a moment and then shoved the phone across the counter. He closed his eyes to try and hide the disappointment in them that he'd been caught out. When he opened them again, Alec had hidden the phone from his sight and he assumed it must be in a pocket somewhere.

"What are you planning?" Syed asked. It was time to get to the point of this whole charade.

"I propose we settle this now." Alec came around the counter and Syed stood his ground, not wanting to show any weakness.

"And how would we do that?" Syed asked.

Alec reached into his pocket and brought out a lighter.

Syed frowned. "That's not going to do much good."

"Not on its own, no. But we're in a kitchen. One I designed... and not only do I know where the gas line is, but I know where the oil is. And where I poured it."


	9. Chapter 9

As Syed backed up against the wall, he opened his mouth in disbelief. Alec dashed front of house - an area that Syed had ignored while coming in, and set alight the first table he came to, and then the second. Syed followed but threw his hands up in front of his face to protect himself as the first table went up in flames.

"What are you doing?" he shouted, as he tried to get to Alec to stop.

"The rules!" Alec shouted triumphantly as he surveyed the flaming table tops. "Whichever of us makes it out of here alive, wins!" He pushed one of the tables over, letting it light the carpet underneath.

Syed tried to run for the door but Alec made it there first and locked it, before pulling out a hidden padlock from behind a potted plant and locking it over the heavy wooden door they'd had put in as part of the restaurant's redesign. Alec had had this all planned out, giving Syed very little chance of escaping.

Syed ran back into the kitchen, knowing he could beat Alec there, but the back door - a heavy metallic door like those found on a fridge - was impossible to move. Alec joined him in the kitchen and turned on all the gas cooker tops, letting the gas permeate the air around them. This room was the only one not on fire yet but it was also much more of a dead end than anywhere else in the building and would do them no good. Not unless they could hold out until emergency services arrived, but that would only be once a member of the public alerted them. And the smoke was already making its way through the cracks in the flimsy swing doors.

Alec was far too calm as Syed grabbed a table cloth to cover his mouth and nose. The man was almost laughing; it was like he knew something that Syed didn't. Maybe it was just his craziness - his confidence in his world view and that he would survive this and get to live happily ever after with Christian.

Syed ran back into the main room of the restaurant once more. The windows were still boarded up but if he could find some sort of tool to prize them away, then maybe he'd be able to smash them and get out. He looked around himself blindly, trying to suppress his first coughs as the smoke infiltrated his nostrils and began to choke him. What was it they said you should do? Stay low to the ground?

Syed banged on the door and tried to call for help, hoping someone outside would hear him, but since he couldn't see out, he had no real way of knowing what was going on out there and the fire was louder than he'd ever truly imagined, nor remembered from when the Vic had been engulfed. Whether he'd blocked that out or not, he didn't know, but then he'd been concentrating on getting his family out and had also been woozy from the stampeding herd. Now he was only worried about himself and he couldn't think over the din of the flames. He could only wonder if this was how Christian had felt once Stacey had reached the ground and he was trapped alone on the top floor of the pub.

Alec had found a box of matches and was idly lighting them and throwing them around the various tables. He then walked into the bar alcove and began grabbing bottles and smashing them. Syed had only just acquired a liquor license the day before but had already begun stocking up on alcohol and as he watched Alec spread the flammable liquid around he felt there was very little he could do to stop him. The priority now was escape - let Alec have his fun with the fire-starting.

*

"Maybe we could so some sort of deal though for a healthy sandwich and a drink, and you could send everyone over once they're done sweating... weight lifting... whatever." Ian was trying to get Christian to send clients to the caff for food after a work-out with a new money-making scheme but so far he really hadn't offered Christian any incentive.

"I don't know, Ian. Most people who are dedicated to working out have specific diets or have everything they need at home. I don't think they'll be coming in here for a tuna sandwich."

"But we can do something specific that caters to that crowd; you can give me some pointers."

"I'll think about it." Christian just wanted to get away from him now.

"You do that."

There was a commotion outside as Christian pulled the door closed behind him. People were rushing past and he heard the word 'fire' a few times. It wasn't any of his business but like anyone else would be, he was curious as to what was on fire. Looking around himself he began to see some smoke in the air... it must be close, whatever it was. Probably some idiot let a bonfire get out of control.

"... the restaurant apparently..." He heard from someone as he passed them by.

What restaurant...?

"... it's not even opened yet either, it's such a shame, I hope no one's in there..." Two older ladies walked past him as he headed back down to the gym and then in an instant he broke into a run, hoping against hope that all this gossip wasn't right and that the obvious conclusion was wrong. Not the Argee Bhajee. Not Syed.

He pulled up in front of the red building beside the bridge and could immediately tell that it was the Bhajee... smoke billowed from the gaps between the roof and the bridge and he could see the bright orange flames licking out from one of the window boards that had now caught light.

"Syed!" he called out, but he had no idea if Syed would even be in there. He knew his fiancé had plans all over Walford today but would this have happened at that rare point today when he'd been in? He could only hope not. He pulled out his newly recovered phone and rang Syed's number, mumbling '...come on, come on..." over and over under his breath as he felt his heart racing with worry as he got no answer.

He hung up and tried again. Maybe he was in a meeting, or on the Tube? Maybe he had it on silent and couldn't hear it ringing?

Before he tried a third time his text message alert sounded and, seeing it was from Syed's phone, he sighed in relief as he opened it. But his heart caught in his mouth when he read it. " _Syed vs Alec. We finish this now._ "


	10. Chapter 10

Syed huddled himself down in the corner that was furthest from the flames. He'd lost track of Alec entirely as the smoke filled the room with barely any way to get it out. With the dish towel held securely against his mouth and nose, he felt his eyes watering as he tried to look around for anything else that might help him but as far as he could tell there was nothing. He'd already tried to smash a chair to use the leg of it to pry off the window boards but he'd not been able to get it to break apart, and in that moment he had cursed the craftsmanship.

As he huddled he felt he had little alternative but to pray and he did so - for the safety of everyone he loved and that they'd be okay if he was gone.

*

Christian banged on the door but got no response. He tried to open it using the brute strength of his own shoulders but that didn't help either, and all it did was gather attention to him.

"Don't just stand there, there are people inside!" He turned to those behind him and shouted to them, his voice breaking.

Frantically he looked around himself on the ground and by the wall, looking for something he could use to batter the door down and, dashing to the side of the building under the bridge, he found some scaffolding that was being used in the remodelling. Grabbing a random bystander, he urged the man to help him ram the door and with all of their might they were able to break the door off its hinges in three attempts.

Christian covered his mouth as soon as the door began to open and the smoke edged out of the gaps. He pushed it in the rest of the way and called out Syed's name at the top of his lungs. With a quick look behind him at the other people who weren't willing to go rushing in, he tore his jacket off and, leaving it outside the door, took a deep breath and ran in just as he began to hear sirens in the distance.

Stopping before he hit a wall of flame he covered his face with his sleeve, but kept pulling it away to shout for Syed.

The rush of oxygen from the open door had just fanned the flames, giving them more power. The smoke was now heavy and thick in the restaurant and he couldn't see anything in front of him. Faintly he heard his own name being called and turned to the side. Hunching down he called again and little by little he was able to find where Syed was against the side wall.

He grabbed hold of Syed's shoulder and crouched next to him. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay," Syed coughed.

"The door! We have to get to it!" With a nod, Syed braced himself against the wall and they helped each other to stand. Hand in hand they tried to make their way over, but the fire had spread and was now blocking the way Christian had come in.

"Wait!" Syed said, pulling Christian's arm to make him turn back to him. "Alec!"

"He's really here? He's alive?" Christian had some strange hope that the text was a prank in poor taste or that someone had a vendetta against them relating to Alec. He had been sure Alec was dead - his body had been identified!

"He's in here too," Syed nodded, talking closely to Christian's ear. "We can't leave him."

"Why not? He did this - let him deal with the consequences!" Christian shouted back over the roar of the flames.

"No! Christian, we can't let a man die if we can save him!" Syed managed to stop coughing long enough to look earnestly into Christian's eyes to communicate how he felt about this. Christian knew exactly what he was doing. It didn't even have to be about religion - it was the moral thing to do.

"Fine," he reluctantly agreed. "You check the office, I'll check the kitchen. If you don't see anything, get out..."

"I'll come find you."

"No, a quick look each and then out! Do it!"

"Promise me you'll do the same. Get out as soon as you look."

Christian nodded before grabbing Syed's head with both hands and pulling him in for a hard kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

It was left unsaid, but he had badly wanted to say he wouldn't be able to live without Syed. Hell, he wanted to give an entire soliloquy about how he felt but he had no time as it was precious right now. All they could do was seal everything in a look and break apart in either direction to go hunting for a missing murderer. And all because they had to be the better people in this.

*

Christian covered his hand with his sleeve as he pushed the swing door to the kitchen. The heat and the flames made it difficult to touch anything and he didn't want to risk burning himself.

His instinct had been to turn and run. To go grab Syed and get out right now. He'd forever feel guilty if anything happened to Syed when they could have escaped this. He'd also feel guilty if someone died who he could have helped - even if he had absolutely no training to do so. It was absurd. But then, he also had to know - he had to see - he had to have that proof that Alec was alive and terrorising them once again.

"Alec!" He called out, the thick smoke in the kitchen mingling with a thick, foul, smell, but the flames hadn't reached here yet, not properly. But that smell, he knew what it was and he knew its danger - gas. It could take the whole place out in an instant.

"Christian?" He heard the voice come back at him from the other end of the room and he recognised it straight away.

"Alec! Come on, we need to get out!"

"You came for me!" Alec shoved himself away from the wall and came towards Christian. "You shouldn't be in here, you were never meant to be here!"

"Let's go!" Christian tried to tug Alec's arm to get him to move but the man just stood there with a confusing grin on his face, looking far too calm for someone caught up in what was fast becoming a death trap.

"But you came for me! I knew you cared!"

"Syed is looking for you too, we need to get him and get out of here now."

"Wait, Syed... you went to him first, didn't you?" Alec began to shake his head, his bubble burst and his smile fading. A sadness overcame him within moments and Christian didn't know how to deal with him. "It's always about him. I'll never be good enough for you, no matter what I do. He's got some sort of hold on you." Alec clutched at the front of Christian's shirt. "But I can try harder, just give me a chance."

Christian felt a twinge of guilt hearing those words but it wasn't for Alec, it was for Amira. They reminded him so much of the night his relationship with Syed was revealed and now here was Alec uttering the same words that were once said desperately to Syed... only now he was the one receiving them.

"No, Alec... I love him."

"But what about us?" Alec begged.

"There is no 'us'... there never was." There. He'd said it. He didn't know how much plainer he could be. It was then that he heard a cry of his name from far away, and realised Syed was searching for him again. So much for checking and getting out, he should have known - and deep down he really had - that Syed wouldn't leave without him. He would have done the same thing, after all.

But hearing Syed's voice at just that wrong moment had angered Alec and his face turned ice cold, in deep contrast to their surroundings. He shook his head vigorously. "You were supposed to be with me."

"No I wasn't."

"I had it planned out. All of it."

"You shouldn't have."

Alec ran his shaking hands through his hair, reminiscent of when the tide had turned in the warehouse and his sanity collapsed in on him.

"It's all your fault!" He pointed an accusatory finger at Christian.

"What is? What are you talking about?" He heard sirens outside - finally the fire brigade had arrived. He couldn't hear Syed anymore, and he could only hope he had got out after all.

Alec pulled a box out of his pocket and, opening it, there was one match sitting inside. He pulled it out and Christian's eyes widened in fear. He backed away slowly until he felt the swing doors at his back. The firemen were here, he could just get out right now; he had to get out.

"I can't do this without you, Christian. Everything was for you. You've reduced me to this."

"No, Alec... don't do it, don't..."

And then it all went into slow-motion. The steely look in Alec's eyes, the despair and sadness. And the resolve. It didn't matter what Christian said or did at this point - Alec's mind was made up. Christian held his hands up - as if that would do him any good - and yelled out an incoherent 'no' as he watched Alec run the match along the side of the box - the spark lighting the gas and causing the room to light up in a fireball.


	11. Chapter 11

Christian fell through the doors and landed hard on the floor beneath. He covered his head with his arms as the ball of flame tried to push its way through the door that his body was now blocking.

The shock of having fallen backwards had brought a haze over his mind and in his instant reaction to escape the flame-ball he knew was coming, he had gone quite literally from the frying pan and into the fire. He'd landed heavily on the burning carpet. Having taken off his jacket outside - thinking movement would be easier without it - he had stripped himself of a protective layer. Now in just a blue cotton sweater, the fire easily burned through his clothing at the top of his back and shoulder.

He turned onto his side as heat registered in his brain. It hadn't even been a reaction to the heat but the sensation of his skin burning and an acrid smell of it invaded his nostrils.

A distant childhood memory flashed through his head of fun and games on a playground and the phrase 'stop, drop and roll' and he moved about on the ground trying to put himself out, but being on his back meant he couldn't be sure and it was too painful on the pull of his skin to try and twist his body around. He scrambled around, trying to escape flames licking awfully close to his head, and he pushed open one of the swing doors again. Looking up he could see the end of the fireball rolling like a mushroom cloud up to the ceiling but the sight that disturbed him beyond any other he'd seen before was of Alec, fully covered in flames, writhing and screaming and flailing like a madman. Even if he had been determined to kill himself this way, he was going through horrific agony to do so and his gut reaction to pain had brought out a terrible, soul-wrenching cry as his skin blistered and burned through, turning red and black until he no longer looked human. His nose seemed to disappear and his eyes that were once so expressive seemed to be just blackened and gone.

Christian could do nothing and when he felt hands on his arm he automatically tried to twist away from them, partly in pain and partly in worry that something bad could happen to him still. Finally he managed to see the people trying to drag him away and when he identified the black and the yellow of the suits and the helmets covering their faces, he knew he was being pulled out by rescue workers.

They picked him up between them like he weighed practically nothing in a well practiced move and pulled him out into the daylight and cleaner air. He choked and coughed as his lungs still felt filled with bad air and smoke and he was rushed straight to paramedics who were by an ambulance, who immediately covered him in a sheet and encouraged him to lie down in the ambulance. He flinched and yelped when anything touched where he'd been hurt but it wasn't from pain - it was from the expectation of pain. Tears were streaming down his face that he hadn't even known were there. His ears felt dulled by his concentration and stress but he could still make out sirens, the sound of the fire brigade battling the flames and words being shouted around him from close up and from a distance. He couldn't make anything out because there were so many sounds.

Two paramedics were helping him and he began to feel coolness on his skin as cold compresses were put over his shoulder and back, and they were asking him questions but all the while they were trying to put an oxygen mask on his face. For no reason he was angry as he was inundated with a sensory overload. He tried to push everything aside in his mind but it was clogged up, hazy from the smoke, and he had memories of the fire at the Vic flashing back at him and then, without warning, he turned on his side and threw up, pulling the mask from his face and watching as the vomit fell over the floor of the ambulance.

"Syed." He said with a wheeze around the oxygen mask that was being forced back onto his face. "Where's Syed?"

"I'm right here." He heard the voice and had to turn to see Syed right beside him sitting on the stretcher, and yet he hadn't seen him there already.

"Sy." He raised a hand to reach out to him but winced as the skin of his arm was pulled and he had to stop.

"Don't," Syed said, and Christian could see Syed was shaking. He raised his hands and cupped Christian's face. "Christian," he breathed with a wobble in his voice, "You're going to be alright. You're going to be fine."

"What about you?" Christian felt his voice catch in his own throat in response to how bad Syed sounded.

"I got out before... Christian, I thought I'd lost you." Syed's words were distracting Christian while the paramedics worked.

Despite the pain, Christian smiled. "It'll take more than this to get rid of me."

"It bloody better." Syed wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his sleeve before lightly kissing Christian's lips, not wanting to hurt him in any way.

The paramedic cleared his throat. "Are you staying in here with him? We need to get him to the hospital. Now."

"I"m staying." Syed spoke with conviction. "I'm never leaving his side."


	12. Chapter 12

Jane burst through the hospital doors with Roxy and rushed straight to the desk. She had a horrible feeling of déjà vu and was, frankly, sick of running to the hospital when Christian was injured. She knew it wasn't his fault and in no way thought badly of him for it, but it pained her to see him hurt and gave her a horrid feeling in the pit of her stomach. She loved her brother too much for this, but she had to be strong for him and support him through any problems.

All she knew was that he'd been brought in by ambulance after a fire at the Argee Bhajee. There were rumours flying about on the conditions of those brought out, but she knew Syed had gone with him so he must be okay, however she couldn't see him in the waiting area. "Christian Clarke, please, he's been brought in by ambulance. I'm his sister," she told the receptionist while Roxy glanced about for Syed.

"Where is he? He was brought in too, do you think he got hurt?" Roxy asked quietly.

"He was with Christian when they came in, maybe he's still with him. That could be a good sign," Jane replied in a hushed tone, watching as the receptionist looked everything up.

"If you take a seat I'll get one of the nurses out to speak to you." The receptionist smiled at her. Jane recognised him from before but it was clear that he saw so many people that he had no clue who she was.

She smiled her thanks at him and, fidgeting with her bag, she and Roxy went and sat where they could get a good view of anyone approaching. Roxy took Jane's arm and they supported each other while they waited.

Not too long after, a familiar face came bursting through the front doors with such a clatter of arrival that it made the two women turn around. Jane's mouth opened in shocked confusion when she saw who it was. Zainab?

It made very little sense for her to be here, considering she hated Christian. But then, if Syed was at the hospital, Jane realised, maybe this was the prod that Zainab had needed to realise how foolish disowning her son was.

Zainab saw them, and though clearly reluctant, she walked over to them. "Have you heard anything?" She mumbled to Jane.

"No, not yet. We're waiting for someone to come out to us," Jane replied.

"Surprised to see you here, Zainab," Roxy put in, her mouth running away from her at a time Jane considered to be inappropriate, but then she wasn't about to tell Roxy to shut up either. "I'm sure Christian will be touched to know you came, though."

"I'm not here for him." Zainab answered, not letting Roxy's words get to her. "I want to know Syed is okay."

Jane pulled her bag onto her lap. "I think he's fine, Zainab. He was in the ambulance with Christian and from what I heard, he made it out okay. It's Christian that's..." she couldn't finish it. Was he hurt? Injured? Was his life on the line? She didn't know and she didn't want to speculate out loud as it would just catch in her throat.

Tamwar and Afia came in through the A&E doors, in a calmer fashion than Zainab had, and managed to sidle up to them without drawing attention to themselves. "We got a good parking space." Tam said, clearly at a loss as to what to say, and Afia gripped hold of his hand tightly in support. "Not too far... just right, I guess... just like porridge."

"Porridge?" Afia asked.

"Like in Goldilocks. Not too hot, not too cold."

"You could have picked chairs, or beds, if you wanted to reference Goldilocks and the three bears - why porridge?"

"Chairs and beds are far too ambiguous. No one would have understood the reference without explanation."

"You had to explain it anyway with the lame porridge reference though, so it really didn't make a difference in the end which one you picked."

The inane conversation of the young couple blurred into the background while they waited, and Jane bounced her leg up and down, watching it hypnotically as they waited until a hand shot out and stopped her from doing it. She looked up at Roxy's concerned face and gave a weak smile.

*

Syed stood outside the curtained off area, refusing to leave where Christian was. Being in another room was too far at the moment. He stood with his arms crossed, occasionally biting at his nails and trying to keep still despite the pent up energy and frustration.

He could hear the faint murmur of the medical staff talking but he had no clue what they were talking about, either because of the language and words or because it was too faint to hear properly.

The Doctors had only managed to force him away from Christian's side by insisting he get checked over too. He'd kept telling them he was fine but they'd managed to pull him away long enough to test for themselves. He was perfectly aware of the smoke inhalation they would flag up but he'd been given oxygen at the site, and then again in the ambulance, and he felt fine. And if they even tried to tell him his racing heartbeat was cause for concern he was prepared to tell them exactly why it was racing.

He was just glad that this time he was here through the whole thing. That he'd been in the back of the ambulance with Christian, that he'd been able to hold his hand. He'd learned his lesson from before - he'd told the medical staff with full confidence that Christian was his husband and they hadn't blinked. It was lucky that they trusted him and could see rings on their fingers and it didn't seem that they would actually check up on it in great detail. It had meant they'd kept him up to date as much as possible. But if he went five minutes with no word, it was enough to set him off worrying again.

"Mr Masood?" A soft voice asked from behind him and he spun, hoping it was someone with news. The young nurse stood there and did her best to smile and appear sympathetic to him.

"What's going on?" He asked, hurriedly.

"Mr Clarke is being well taken care of. You need to let the doctors do their job and it'll still take a while longer. There are people asking for you in the waiting area. Friends and family. Maybe you should go and let them know."

"I need to be here for Christian." Syed shook his head.

"He's not awake for the treatment. He won't know if you go away for half an hour."

"But I'll know..." Syed insisted.

"The others out there, they're probably just as worried as you are. They need to know you're okay too. Please..." She put an arm out to guide him and reluctantly, with a look back at the drawn curtains, he shuffled away with her to go and see who was out there.

He was surprised to see a small group of people and not just Jane there when he went out. He saw his mother and Tam and had no idea what to really say with both of them there. He was still getting used to his mother looking him in the eyes. Jane pulled him into a hug, one he realised he needed when he felt her arms close around his shoulders. He saw Zainab's face, downcast, clearly guiltily thinking she should be able to offer this kind of support, and a rebellious side of him wanted her to see that he was going to have plenty of support from other people. He was surprised when Roxy hugged him too; she had never been affectionate with him yet hugged Christian on a regular basis just as part of saying hello to each other.

As he pulled back he asked, "What's everyone doing here?"

"We wanted to make sure you were alright." Tam answered, "We heard you were at the hospital after the fire. We were worried."

"Thanks, but I'm fine." Syed nodded. "Christian, he, uh..." He put a hand over his mouth as he gathered himself. "They rushed him here. The fire got him."

Jane covered her face with her hands and sat down as she took in the information. Roxy put a hand on Syed's shoulder. "Syed... there was a body bag..." She didn't want to alarm him. They must have all thought at first that one of them had been killed and he understood now why they had all come to the hospital. Jane must have been terrified at first. He could only imagine their relief to know that an ambulance had taken them, but knowing someone had died must have made them anticipate the worst.

Syed looked back up at Roxy; he knew exactly who would be in that body bag. For sure this time. "Alec." He answered quietly. Letting them digest the information, he looked at his mother sympathetically, considering how much Alec had also hurt her when Kamil had been taken.

"But he died, before." She was shaking her head, scared.

"He faked it, somehow. He came back. He started the fire."

"He's gone now." Roxy stated. "Properly gone, yeah? He can't hurt anyone anymore." She rubbed his back and he tried to smile in appreciation of her words but knowing he came back in some form a first time, no matter how impossible it was that he could come back from this, he still heard a voice at the back of his mind telling him to be wary and look over his shoulder.


	13. Chapter 13

Syed was holding Roxy's hand when the Doctor came out to speak to them with a proper update on Christian's situation. Roxy squeezed his hand and they gave each other support through the physical contact, coming together despite their differences. Syed had already a vague notion of what he was going to be told and with some sort of morbid fascination he couldn't help but watch everyone else's faces as they found out the grim details.

"...he has burns over about fifteen percent of his body: over his right shoulder and the top of his back. When he came in he was still in shock from the fire, which caused him to vomit, but since he's been here we've had him sedated. He's also suffering from smoke inhalation and is wearing an oxygen mask but there's no reason to be alarmed about that as it's mainly just a precautionary measure..."

Syed saw Jane and Roxy tear up; Roxy clutched at her jacket with her free hand and Jane hugged herself tightly.

"Is he in pain?" Jane asked, her voice betraying her as it caught in the back of her throat.

"There are areas of his skin that are tender and will hurt, yes. Though for the worst of them, it's unlikely. We will need to keep him here for a couple of days to keep an eye on him."

"How long will it take for him to get better, then?" Asked Roxy.

"It's hard to say. Mr Clarke is a fit and healthy man, which will help. From what we've treated this afternoon it is possible he'll need to have one area skin grafted. There will be scars but the majority of the skin will heal over time."

"Thank you, Doctor."

He nodded. "I'm sure you'll have more questions once you see him. Feel free to ask anyone about your concerns. He's still out at the moment but if you'd like, a few of you can go in and see him again?" He looked at Syed, as Christian's 'husband', to take some sort of lead.

Syed let Jane and Roxy go in, knowing the others here had no real reason to do so and were there to support him. He didn't like that thought. He knew his mother needed time to come to terms with his lifestyle, his sexuality, and his relationship, and before this moment he fully understood that she needed time. Even Tam, as accepting as he'd always been, still felt uncomfortable to a degree around Christian and unsure of what to say. But right now Syed just wanted to shake them and tell them to get over themselves. There was a man who he cared so deeply for lying hurt in a hospital bed. If there was ever a time to think about priorities, it was now.

But he didn't. He stayed silent and sat with his head in his hands, staring at the freshly mopped linoleum while he waited to go back to Christian.

Slowly Tam reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder in support, and that was enough to cause the first tear to fall.

*

Jane and Roxy had headed back to the waiting area, allowing Syed in to sit next to Christian as he lay on the hospital gurney. He was still unconscious. It must have been the morphine. When they'd come in, Christian hadn't even been sure if he was actually in pain but the doctors had knocked him out so they could remove his clothing from where it had burned into his skin. On his upper back it was red raw in places and in others looked almost black, like charcoal. Christian had thrown up another two times while in the ambulance and when he was being rushed in, Syed had followed behind the gurney as the paramedics filled in the doctors and threw medical jargon around. He had heard it all again from the doctor as he told everyone else but at no point had he fully taken in anything he'd been told. Everything he knew about how bad this was he had gathered simply by looking at Christian.

While the doctors could work on Christian, Syed had been forced away to get himself checked out. Everything had been frantic and he'd fought them to stay behind but they wouldn't let him as they swarmed around Christian's bed.

Now everything seemed calmer.

Christian's skin seemed angry, red and black and yet his face seemed more peaceful with the way it was turned towards Syed. Syed rubbed his thumb over the back of Christian's hand and just stared at him for minutes on end.

He sniffed and swallowed a lump in his throat. "I'm going to take care of everything," he said, even though Christian wasn't awake. His voice caught in the back of the throat but got slowly stronger. "I'm going to take care of you when we get home and before you know it, you'll be well again and we can get back to normal." He tried to smile, to put some enthusiasm into his words, for Christian's sake. "The doctors haven't told me how long it'll take for your skin to heal but it'll be okay... whatever I can do to help, you know I will... maybe those massage classes will come in useful..." His voice changed to a whisper. "Alec's behind us now. I promise. He's gone for good this time."

Syed picked up Christian's hand and kissed it before laying it back on the bed. He rubbed a hand up Christian's wrist to his elbow and back down again before keeping it hovering over the pulse point.

"I just want us to be okay." His voice cracked.

*

Syed had contemplated getting up and going to stretch his legs, go to the toilet, get a cup of tea. He'd been sitting for a while and though he didn't want to go he eventually gave in, thinking if he did it all at once, he could do it quicker and get back to Christian sooner.

As he walked down the corridor he passed the waiting area where he could still see his mother sitting, her bag held tightly in her lap, her face etched with a mixture of worry and bashfulness. He couldn't see Jane or Roxy but he knew they were still around somewhere. He just hadn't expected to still see his mother there, as he figured she had no reason to be around.

"Mum?" He tilted his head as he walked closer to her. "What are you still doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." He said as he sat next to her. "I can walk, I am uninjured, just inhaled a bit of smoke. You can go home now, see dad."

"I know that you got out okay and I thank God for that but..." she trailed off, unsure how to phrase what she wanted to say.

"But... what?" He prompted.

"You aren't 'fine'. I may not approve of your choice in... partner... but I know that if that was your father lying through there... I wouldn't be 'fine'." Syed lowered his head but kept his hands warming on the cup of tea in his hands as she continued. "You and I have always been alike in that. Right now you are hurting yourself with worry. I just want to be here for you."

Syed took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, doing his best not to well up again, but here was his mother being sympathetic and with the stress he felt worrying for Christian, it was a great weight on his shoulders to take care of him. He was willing to do it, very much so, but it was a commitment nonetheless.

"I don't know mum... I just... feel so guilty."

"Why? None of this is your fault, it's that man. That... Alec. He is to blame for everything that has happened."

"I know all that, but... it's Christian who always gets hurt. And this time he did it protecting me. He came running into that fire, not even thinking of himself. He did it to come after me."

"He loves you. That's what we do for people we love. Your father did it for me, too."

"I don't feel like I deserve it, mum."

"I know, Pappu." She reached out for him and took his face in her hands. "I felt the same way, back then. But that's love, Syed."

Tears fell from Syed's eyes once again and rolled down onto his mother's hands. "I love him so much, Mum."

"Come here," She pulled him into her and embraced him in her arms. "Let it all out... I'm here."

*

"What do you mean, 'he's gone'?"

"Mr Clarke's bed opened up on the ward, the porters took him up a few minutes ago." The nurse answered.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"We thought you knew, sir, I'm sorry. I think they thought you'd gone home for the night."

"I've been here for hours, of course I wouldn't go home until... well, until much later. Where is he? I need to go see him."

"I'm sorry, sir. The wards have visiting hours, you'll need to wait until tomorrow afternoon, now."

"No, that's not fair. He doesn't know that he won't see me until then, I need to go to him first."

The nurse was clearly thinking he was nuts and he couldn't blame her. He recognised the clinginess in himself but he didn't care. He was being clingy; they'd just have to deal with it. "Sir, he's still asleep and probably won't wake up until the morning."

"Maybe not, but it'll make me feel better. I can't go home without saying goodnight to him."

"I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do. You should go home and rest. Come back tomorrow." She took off away from him as fast as she could and he could see her comment to someone who then looked over at him. He must have been earmarked for trouble.

He rubbed a hand through his hair and turned around in a circle, trying to work out where to go. He took off down a corridor, trying to follow signs. They'd wanted to get him into ward four so if he followed the signs he should be okay.

"Sir?" A voice called from behind, male this time. He didn't turn. "Sir," it said again, and since he was the only other one down here right now it had to be for him. "Sir, please, you can't go up at the moment."

"It's ridiculous!" He said turning, glaring at the security man. "If I want to see my husband then there's no reason why I should be prevented!"

"This is a hospital, sir. You can't disturb the other patients. I'm sorry. I need to see you out now. Come back tomorrow."

"Come back tomorrow, that's all you can all say to me?" Syed turned and kicked out at a vending machine that had done nothing to him and then leaned heavily against it. He shrugged off the security man's hand. "I know... I know, I'm going..."


	14. Chapter 14

As Christian slowly woke he felt a chill through the bed covers and instinctively tried to roll onto his side to hug into Syed, but as he tried to turn he felt a strange pull of tightness over his skin and wondered if he was wearing something in bed. He hated sleeping on his back and never felt comfortable that way and he grimaced as he tried to move.

Then he began to realise that he wasn't in his own bed. Opening his eyes in the dark, it didn't make much difference, but light seeping in from a nearby door cast enough of a low hue for him to see other beds in the room. The smell of antiseptic and the beeping of equipment began to swim around his senses and it all came together as he fully woke up.

Hospital.

He hadn't enjoyed his last experiences in hospitals and he already hated this one because he couldn't roll over in the bed and hug Syed. And he missed Syed. He missed him so much that it hurt and he felt a desperate need to see him. And then his memories flooded back to tell him why.

Alec. The restaurant. Fire. Ow.

That would explain why his skin felt so sensitive when he moved. He wanted to look but didn't want to be confronted with something awful - but if he didn't try to look then he'd imagine the worst. The decision was really taken out of his hands though as it was dark, he had no real idea where to go to get a mirror and, as far as he could tell, he was hooked up to a drip as he could feel the needle in the back of his left hand.

He knew he was hurt, but he didn't really know where. From what he could remember it was his back and his right shoulder that had been burnt but despite the strange sensations and a little bit of pain, he couldn't understand why he wasn't bandaged up or something. Maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought?

He lifted his hand, careful of the drip needle and gingerly patted his shoulder. As he did so, he hissed an intake of breath. It was just an instinctive reaction, it wasn't because it hurt. In fact, it didn't feel too much worse than sunburn felt, yet if he was being kept in the hospital, it must be worse.

He hated not knowing what was going on!

He looked around himself as best as he could. Everything was so clinical, metallic, bare. The bed was nowhere near as comfortable as his own and the sheets rubbed against his sensitive skin. He swallowed as he pushed his head back into the pillow. There were probably people in the beds around him, hospitals rarely had empty beds. He was surprised he hadn't woken on a gurney in a corridor as it was.

Being alone in the room with strangers made him uneasy. For no real reason either, he thought, and frowned. He'd never had a problem with people being around him in hospitals before but this time, there was something inside him that just made him feel... _uneasy_.

He took a deep breath and it came out stilted, as if he was on the verge of getting upset.

He wanted Syed.

As he lay there, he remembered the last time he saw Syed was in the ambulance, when he was trying to be soothing while Christian emptied his stomach of his lunch. He remembered Syed's voice being calming while they took him out of the ambulance... but then nothing.

Fire.

The image flashed into his mind of the fire all around him... them. He'd been so frantic to make sure he could get to Syed. He'd been so scared they wouldn't make it out. He'd been so frightened of what Alec was capable of.

Alec.

He closed his eyes and behind them danced visions of Alec striking the match that ignited the kitchen. Of Alec's face, that last second before the place went up. Of Alec's agony and him being helpless to do anything as he watched a man die in front of his eyes... to watch him die in the most horrific way possible, his body fully alight. His screams still echoed in Christian's ears. He'd never heard a scream like it before - a mixture of hate, pain and resistance. The last act of a desperate man, a man who had become so evil that he would do the things he'd done. A man so deluded and crazy that he barely had any idea what he'd done in the end. And that scream, maybe it was a result of Alec realising what he'd done to himself and others. Maybe it was a scream that blamed Christian for everything... for his death. A death he could have prevented by doing what had been asked of him.

He couldn't shake it. It didn't matter that it was dark because there was light behind his eyes as the fire came back to life in his mind and wouldn't go away. His head was full of images... of what had happened and 'what if's.

What if Syed had been right there? What if Alec had tried to actively kill one of them? What if some other poor person had been caught in the crossfire? Alec had killed his parents by setting their house on fire. Maybe it was some form of poetic justice that Alec would eventually perish in the same way? Maybe he had to think like that, think coldly about him, and not let him take up any more of his head, of his worry and guilt...?

But this was who he was. He felt too much at times. He hated caring. But that's how he had always been. Sometimes it had given him the greatest things imaginable, like Syed. After a year of caring too much for each other they'd finally been able to stop hiding and stop pretending and be who they were and openly love each other. But then, at times like this, Christian's capacity to care too much about others and what they thought of him was making his mind go into overdrive with worry and fright and guilt and hurt.

It could easily all be his fault.

Alec was his client. He must have been too friendly and welcoming. Had he led him on? Had he spent too much time with him? Hadn't he been clear enough?

_It could be his fault._

Christian forced himself onto his side, not caring about his skin as it chafed against the bed sheets. He pulled them around him as he felt the chill in the air and he hid his face down as low to the covers as he could. Pulling his legs up, he was practically in a foetal position as a tear fell from his eye and rolled down his cheek.

He needed Syed.

He wanted Syed here.

Syed would be able to help him.

He needed Syed.

_He needed Syed._

_Where was Syed?_


	15. Chapter 15

Christian stayed still as the nurses bustled around the ward. When breakfast had come they'd helped him to sit up properly without aggravating his burns and he'd eaten what he could. He hadn't even felt thirsty at all as the drip had given him the fluids he'd apparently needed, but he did need help getting to the toilet as he'd become tangled up during the night.

He'd shied away from the nurses' hands as they'd helped him and they seemed to think it was due to his skin, but in his head he knew it was because he simply didn't want them touching him. While the nurse waited outside for him he took the opportunity to look at himself in the mirror.

He looked older, somehow. Maybe it was worry lines or frown lines. Maybe everyone in a hospital looked old and depressed. He felt no reason to smile and as he let his eyes leave the reflection of his face he turned to get a look at his back.

He thought he'd be shocked by what he saw but he wasn't. The angry reds and peeling edges of his skin, burned off at different depths, didn't seem too bad. The black patches didn't hurt and looked like someone had put stickers on him, and he couldn't feel them... it made him feel detached from himself, like the reflection in the mirror wasn't actually him.

He was lucky to be alive; a few burns meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. He would heal one way or another. The remaining question would simply be how much it would scar him, and how fast everything would return to normal. He could use some 'normal' in his life again. It was the only way to put Alec behind him.

A knock on the door told him the nurse was getting worried at how long he was taking in there and he pushed the squeaky drip in front of him as he went to open the door, taking a breath before facing the world, he was entirely aware of himself forcing composure into his face.

*

The doctor had come to see him once he was back in his bed. He carefully looked over Christian's burns, asked the nurses to help, made sure Christian was getting the pain killers he needed and mentioned some kind of ointment or gel he'd need to use. Christian had been quiet and didn't have many questions; in fact, he'd barely listened to them and just nodded when he felt it was appropriate to do so.

He lay still and went through the motions once again when they brought lunch for him. Other men in beds around him seemed to sense that he was in no mood for conversation so he let theirs drift around him. At times he tried to focus on what they were talking about so that he could stop getting lost in his own thoughts and maybe make time speed up but it hadn't worked. He didn't have much time for football and barely recognised the names they were saying to each other.

He knew there would be a visiting hour in the afternoon and he just wanted to get to that. Maybe if Syed came then he'd be able to breathe properly again. Something didn't feel right at the moment, like his heart was beating erratically even though the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him. He worried briefly that Syed might not show up, and he had to quickly squash that thought back down and not listen to it. Of course Syed would be here.

He pulled the covers up over himself and lay looking at the ceiling, already feeling self-conscious about his body. He didn't want any visitors coming in and seeing him like this, staring at him and feeling sorry for him. And not just his own visitors but the strangers that would appear around him too.

When he saw Syed in the door, his face changed for the first time since he'd been awake. He smiled as Syed came towards him, a small bag in tow.

"Hey," he said, feeling an inadequacy at the greeting but unable to express himself any other way.

"Hey," Syed answered as he pulled a seat in closer. "You're awake. How are you feeling?" Syed reached out and clasped Christian's hand and the contact made Christian sigh in relief.

"Much better now you're here."

"I brought you some stuff. Magazines and a book and your iPod..."

"Why?" Christian asked. Now Syed was here he didn't need anything.

Syed just looked at him for a moment, slightly confused. "Well, you need something to do to pass the time when I'm not here."

"What?" Christian said, equally confused. "There's no point, I'll be out of here soon enough."

"I don't think you will," Syed replied. "What did the doctors say?"

"I uh..." Christian looked away. Why hadn't he paid attention properly before? "I don't know. I didn't... understand..."

"It's okay," Syed cut him off and squeezed his hand. "I'll have a word with them, get everything sorted. But I'm pretty sure they're keeping you in here for a few days, and don't argue," he said, before Christian could butt in. "You've been through a lot, it's better if you stay in and they make sure it's all okay."

"I just want to go home."

"Me too." Syed squeezed Christian's hand again. "Look, I'll go hunt for the doctor, I'll be right back." It took Christian a moment to be able to let go of Syed's hand and he watched intently as Syed walked out to the nurses' station and started asking questions. Christian couldn't hear anything but he wasn't going to take his eyes off Syed until he was back with him again.

Syed returned, took a seat again and leaned his elbows on the bed. "They're going to send a doctor over."

*

They sat together, their hands locked, thumbs stroking against the others' skin. Christian kept catching Syed's eyes flicking up to his shoulder even though it was covered as much as possible with the sheet.

When the doctor came over, Syed dropped Christian's hand so he could shake the doctor's, and Christian immediately felt the loss but put it down to the worry about what the doctor was going to say. The doctor began by telling Syed the basics of what was wrong with Christian and although he tried to pay full attention, Christian couldn't. It was like some mental block whereby he just didn't want to know how bad it was going to be and instead he got lost in just looking at Syed's concerned face.

He did catch bits and pieces. Words and numbers... 14 percent of his body covered by burns... in his head he began to try and work out if that was a lot and then missed some more of the conversation. Somewhere in there it was explained why he had pain in some places and not in others and how they were monitoring it with pain killers... that might explain why he constantly had that slightly woozy feeling and maybe his lack of concentration. Then he heard 'skin graft' and he switched off. That sounded too serious.

He turned his head away, heard the slight break in the discussion as they both must have clocked what he was doing, and then it continued on.

After the doctor left, Christian saw Syed wander around the bed so he could look at Christian again, this time from the other side.

"I know it's tough." Syed said. "But the operation, you need it."

"What operation?"

"You really weren't paying attention, were you?"

"I..."

"Christian, the burns... they won't heal. Not without help. They need to do a skin graft. They've got you booked in for tomorrow morning."

"Skin graft?"

"It's fine, it'll be okay." Syed leaned on the bed and stroked Christian's face with the back of his hand. "They're just going to take skin from somewhere else and move it to your back."

"But... I like my skin where it is." Christian was worried, he knew he sounded like a scared child but he couldn't help himself regressing like this.

Syed ducked his head, needing a moment to control himself and figure out what to say. "I know, but you need this. Please, just trust me that once you get this done, the sooner you'll get home, okay?"

"Okay..." Christian nodded.

*

Syed had to leave between visiting hours and it had been difficult. Christian had refused to let go of his hand and only did in the end because Syed promised he'd be back in a few hours.

It was strange. Maybe it was part of the shock and the trauma but Christian had seemed so innocent and childlike and he'd never seen him so quiet before. It was lucky then that Christian hadn't paid too much attention when the doctor had said Christian might need counseling after all of this.

He really didn't want to break that news to Christian, who prided himself on being strong and independent and proud of who he was. Their relationship may have mellowed a lot of that in Christian - he knew when to ask for help. But would he take it when it was freely offered like this? He'd really only mellowed as far as Syed was concerned; he still had trouble dealing with Roxy on occasion.

Syed let himself into the flat and went to the sofa, cuddling a cushion into himself as he started to cry.

He knew he had a lot to deal with but Christian came first. He'd get Christian better, he'd look after him. That was his priority now.


	16. Chapter 16

_Fire._

_He could feel it against his skin. It didn't touch him but the heat was palpable around him and he could still smell the gas in his nostrils._

_As he saw the match light it was like everything went into slow-motion and he couldn't even get his lips wrapped around the word 'no' before he felt himself flying back, his body slamming through the doors and landing on the wooden surface of the table. His shoulder and back erupted in pain, but it took a moment for him to register it in his foggy brain._

_He saw, through the doors, the shocked expression on Alec's face. Had he meant to do it? Or was it all a dramatic gesture gone horribly wrong? Did the man have any sense of what he was doing or had he gone over the edge and truly become crazy? The expression lingered in Christian's eyes and seemed clearer now._

_The sound of the crackles of the fire, the stench of burning flesh and the shock of inevitable death._

_He couldn't bear to look and yet there was nowhere to turn; his head felt locked into position and he was being forced to watch a man die. Right in front of him. Horrifically._

He woke in a cold sweat. Breathing hard. Feeling far too hot under the covers of the bed, he pushed them down.

It was a dream. All a dream. But there was so much truth in it. It wasn't something his subconscious had made up, it had happened. He'd witnessed it. Alec had died in front of him and now his mind replayed it for him in full technicolour.

He felt... awful. And that seemed such an inadequate way to describe it.

His brain - it couldn't compute what was going on, it couldn't deal with what had happened and he felt like he was stuck on some instant replay until he could, but he didn't want to! He didn't want to understand, or push it aside or 'deal with it'.

He just wanted it to have never happened.

He kept thinking about it. Images continued to flash in front of his mind, but at least while he was awake he felt like he had more control over them. When asleep, he was at the mercy of his subconscious, but when awake, he could replace the images with much happier ones and force them onto himself.

It was no good. If he wanted to combat this, he'd just have to stay awake for the rest of the night.

*

The night passed slowly; there was only so much of staring at the ceiling that could be done and the rhythmic sound of machinery beeping had lulled him to a few dozes but he'd somehow managed to force himself awake as soon as anything to do with the fire came into his mind.

By morning he was exhausted.

He knew staying awake had been stupid but it was only a few hours. If he was fit and well that few hours would have made little difference, it was just because he was injured that it had taken more of a toll on him. At least that's what he told himself, and in the hours he'd been awake he'd managed to convince himself of its truth.

It had been hard going but it had only been a few hours until the morning and as the nurses began their day, they saw nothing in Christian of his tiredness. He decided that meant it was perfectly fine to have gone with only that first few hours he'd had in the night.

"Good Morning, Mr Clarke, all ready for surgery?"

"I'd almost forgotten," he said, trying to force a smile for them.

"We're going to take you up now."

The nurse motioned for the porters to come and help move Christian onto the gurney and then wheel him away.

He stared at the ceiling as it passed over him hypnotically along with the sound of the wheels over the linoleum. They went up in the lift and eventually arrived at the sterile room. Christian looked about him but wasn't enthused by the metallic cleanliness around him, not to mention the covered trays of instruments.

People bustled around him and he felt he was being ignored as they prepped him. The odd smile came his way as things were moved... as he was moved...

A man behind his head lowered a mask over his face but he fought it off quickly.

"We need to anaesthetise you for this one. Don't worry about it."

"No, wait... I don't want to sleep."

"I wouldn't recommend staying awake." The doctor said, trying to make light of it, as Christian sensed the man's condescending smile from behind the surgical mask.

"I'm just... I don't like..."

"Mr Clarke, it's okay," one of the surgical nurses put in. "Just relax for us, okay, and count back from ten..."

He took a deep breath to force relaxation into his body and as the mask was placed on top of his face once more he began the countdown out loud.

He didn't want to be put to sleep. He'd already worked out that staying awake was the best way to combat his mental stresses. Now the physical issues were at odds with him and he could feel the urge to cry overcoming him but he didn't have any thoughts left in his head as he became groggy. And before he'd even reached the halfway mark of his countdown, he was already gone.

His last thought was more of a prayer - please don't let him see fire in his dreams.

*

It was much later in the day when he felt his eyes begin to open again. He had no memory of what had happened that day, and no memory of anything that had come to him in his sleep. Maybe he was okay now? Maybe he wouldn't have another nightmare, like last night.

He turned his head and there was Syed, sitting back in a chair reading a book. When he caught sight of Christian's movements he looked up and smiled. "You're awake."

"I seem to be." Christian tried to sit up but Syed's hand went to his shoulder quickly to stop him.

"Don't move, you need to stay still. You'll be tender from the surgery."

Christian pushed his chin into his chest as he looked down over himself. He had gauze over parts of his shoulder now and it felt like he had more on his back as there was no longer the feeling of just his skin against the bed sheets. He also felt more coverage lower down on his leg. "My leg, what's wrong with it?"

"That's where they took skin from... to put on your back."

Christian pulled a face. "Urgh, this is horrid. I feel like Frankenstein's monster."

"You're much better looking."

"Hopefully a little less green too... but then again..." Christian felt like he might throw up but the nausea didn't last long. He decided he must have still been woozy from the drugs and then seeing himself bandaged up and knowing what they'd done to him; it had all just been a bit strange.

Syed rubbed a hand up and down Christian's arm. In those few moments he'd grabbed a pan from somewhere and was prepared in case Christian needed to be sick. "Okay now?"

"Yeah, it's gone. I just... they moved parts of me to other parts of my body." He shuddered again at the thought.

"Soon enough it'll all just look normal. We need to be careful, apparently, about taking care of your skin to try and minimise scarring. The doctor says there's an oil we'll need to keep putting on you once you're out. I guess my massage skills will be coming in handy."

"There's always a silver lining," Christian flirted back. It was nice. Relaxing. Part of it was the familiarity of being with Sy, part was that he'd actually woken up to see him there. He didn't want him to go when they chucked out visitors later.

"Any word from the doctors about when I'll be free of this place?"

"They need to monitor you for the next few days, but if there are no complications, you'll be home then."

"I want to go home now."

"I know you do. You said the same thing yesterday. You'll probably say it tomorrow too."

"You know me far too well."

"Good."

"Good?"

"That's how it should be." Syed leaned in closer. "We share everything." Syed raised Christian's hand to his lips and kissed it lightly. "I can't wait to marry you."

Christian liked it when Syed was like this: romantic. It always made him grin and he needed that right now. Perhaps it was something about his burns being covered up now, or that he felt released from a world of nightmares for the first time since the fire took place, but he did feel lighter. Happier. And as far as he was concerned, that was because of Syed. He owed him so much, he couldn't even begin to express it and any response right now to Syed's comment would feel inadequate, so he simply said the only thing he could, putting as much feeling as he could into the phrase, his eyes trying to radiate the true meaning to Sy. "I love you."


	17. Chapter 17

It was later that evening, after the final visiting hour, when Christian was greeted by a male nurse who looked familiar to him.

"Just going to check on your dressings here, make sure everything looks okay." The nurse looked at the clipboard in his hand with Christian's information on it.

"I recognise you from somewhere," Christian said, before reading the name tag. Daniel. He looked like a Daniel. He did feel like he'd met this guy before.

Daniel looked up from the clipboard and then back down before placing it back in the pouch at the end of the bed. "I think maybe you do."

"Boy bar?" Christian asked.

Daniel smiled but then said, "Nope."

"Sports bar?" Christian asked. Not that he went in many but it was possible.

"I'm not much into sports," Daniel answered.

Christian looked at him again, then pulled a face. "Girl bar?"

Daniel laughed out loud at that one. "Really, no. I was thinking something more along the lines of hospital."

"The hospital doesn't have a bar. If it did, I'd be there right now." Christian answered a bit smugly, not really knowing where the humour was coming from; but he'd been feeling a bit lighter since Syed had been to see him, and then Roxy and Jane had also joined them that night. They'd all chatted like he was fine and didn't walk on egg shells and it made him feel much better about things because of that - the normality.

"I mean," Daniel leaned over him, eyes on the dressings and concentration ninety percent on what he was doing, "that you were in here a few months ago. I'd say you remember me from that."

"Ah." Christian flinched a little as the gauze was pulled back, and he tried to look at the doctor's handiwork. "This is nowhere near as fun a meeting place."

"No it's not. But I feel like I'm always here so it's the most likely case. It's happened before." Christian gave Daniel an inquisitive look and the nurse clarified, "Repeat visitors remembering us. I don't like it though. Once you're discharged, the point is that I don't want to see you again. I'd much rather be staring at an empty ward."

"You became a nurse for a reason though, right?"

"Of course. I want to help people. It doesn't make seeing people suffering any easier though, trained for it or not." Daniel pulled back, his work done.

Christian liked him. He had an odd feeling of wariness, a need to be careful with how friendly he was and how he came across, but he tried to shove it aside. At least he knew where it was coming from - his guilt over everything with Alec and whether or not it was his fault that Alec thought there was something between them. But he was changing day by day and that was down to Syed's influence. Gone was the flirty party boy, but parts of that went slowly and cropped up again from time to time. So long as he was aware of it, maybe that would make it easier to overcome it.

"It must make it difficult to meet people then, if you're always working. Not that I don't admire what you do," Christian said.

"It can do. Maybe it's the reason that hospital workers tend to socialise with each other... and eventually breed. I'm sure it's the same in plenty of professions though, offices and all that."

"Not so much for me. Self employed." Christian put in.

"What do you do?"

"I'm a personal trainer."

"Ah, well... that makes some sense," Daniel said and Christian knew he meant based on his body type. "But that means you're healthy. That'll help the healing period, you just need to be good and rest properly though. No weight lifting before you're told you can." He smiled at Christian. "So how did you meet your husband then?"

"Husband? Oh we're not married. Not yet." Christian felt a bit flustered, he wasn't entirely used to people assuming he and Sy were married, though it was a pleasant thought. "We will be. We're engaged."

"I was sure he said he was your husband. Oh well, so how did you meet..?"

"We uh... oh, well." Christian blushed, realising he was about to prove Daniel's point. "We met at work."

"See! I did tell you."

"Our families owned a business together. The two of us are out of it now but that's where we met."

"So how long have you been together?"

"That's complicated but I guess it's been a year and half or so. We've been living together for 7 months."

Daniel smiled. "You know your face lights up when you talk about him. It's sweet."

*

Christian's conversation with Daniel was the last reason he'd had to smile that evening. He'd made some modest, polite conversation with some of the other men nearby, the one with the broken leg, and the guy who been in a motorcycle crash, but soon enough the evening drew fully in and the ward went into a night-time mode.

Christian immediately began to feel apprehensive. He felt foolish, like a child scared of the dark, of a boogeyman who would come to get him from under the bed. And yet if that happened he'd be fine because at least it would be something tangible to fight off. Instead he was worried that the nightmares would return. His drugged up state that morning may have alleviated him of them but that didn't mean that with all his faculties back, his mind wouldn't throw up all sorts of things into his path.

Luckily, because he'd been out of it all morning and into the afternoon, he really wasn't tired, so as he lay in bed he listened to the snores from the bed nearby and to the faint noise of traffic outside and he tried to relax properly. He tried to think about Syed, about being with him, about being with him... about a wedding... about a wedding night...

He drifted off slowly, hoping that as he slept, those happy thoughts would follow him into his dreams...

*

Syed sat on the end of the bed with a thump.

He turned slightly and ran a hand down the duvet and just stared at it before lifting his head and looking around the flat.

It just felt wrong for it to be so quiet - so empty. He had become so used to the night-time routine that he shared with Christian and it felt strange to be brushing his teeth alone, putting the dirty washing in the basket alone... turning down the bed alone.

Christian was constantly in his thoughts, and he caught himself still acting like he was there. He expected him to walk through the bathroom door right now with a smile on his face and shove Syed over to his side of the bed so he could be closer to the kitchen - the side he preferred.

Syed pulled the covers back and slid between the sheets. He took his side but he turned Christian's pillow to the side and hugged it close as he leaned over to check the alarm was set for the morning.

He'd head to mosque and then go in to see Christian. Hopefully he'd be improving again and soon enough they'd be back to their old selves.


	18. Chapter 18

It happened again, only this time it felt worse.

Christian woke in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. He wiped his face and collapsed back against the thick pillow.

This time it hadn't even been Alec he'd seen in the flames. It was Syed. Everything he'd witnessed in real life - the pain, despair and agony - all transferred in his mind to Syed and he could do nothing about it, and in that moment the overwhelming sorrow and grief he'd felt had been just as real to him. It took him far too long to remember it had been a dream, only a dream. That Syed was fine. He was safe at home.

His problem upon waking was that he couldn't turn and see Syed for himself and for an instant, he'd truly thought Syed was gone - everything had been so vivid.

He patted his chest, feeling his heart racing and willing it to calm down. Images from his dream replayed in his head on a loop and he hated himself for it - hated his subconscious - why would he dream such horrible things?

And the smell, it was still just as vivid, as much as the screams and the flames and smoke.

He'd thought he was over the worst but clearly he wasn't. The drugs they'd used to knock him out for surgery had helped somewhat - he'd slept through it without anything invading his mind but any kind of natural sleep was tough. He couldn't keep going like this. He didn't want to see these images behind his eyes whenever he shut them and he didn't want to be plagued by the insecurity and worry that Syed was gone from his life for good.

He lay there, still, under the NHS bed sheets and swallowed the lump in his throat.

He stared at the ceiling.

He wasn't going to sleep again tonight.

*

Syed had visited again twice that day. Jane had come along in the evening as well. Daniel had taken care of him during the afternoon when he'd been on shift.

All three had tried to keep conversation light which Christian had been perfectly aware of. He knew he'd been withdrawn again and a bit quiet, though he had felt that so long as he was able to hold Syed's hand that he felt much better, and safer. He'd even dozed a little while Syed had been there in the afternoon but had been so scared of what might happen that it had only been for a few minutes at a time. He'd also not wanted to waste a moment of having Syed there with him.

He knew he'd have to stay in the hospital a few more days and he was mentally willing his skin to heal faster, and correctly, so that he'd be able to get home as soon as possible.

That night he'd fallen asleep to another bout of terror. This time when he woke he didn't know where he was at first as there was light still coming in from the nurses' station that glowed a faint orange, and for that moment he thought he was back in the Argee Bhajee again during the fire.

This time his nightmares had somehow mingled and incorporated the fire in the Vic as well. He'd seen a wall of flame standing between him and Syed, with Alec on his side pulling him back, not letting him go to his lover, and he couldn't fight back as his arms felt like lead. Once more he'd seen Syed be the one to die in the fire, right in front of him, and once more he'd woken unable to cope with the imagery. And once more, he didn't let himself fall back asleep.

He repeated a similar day, feeling worn out despite lying in a bed and on his rounds the Doctor asked him how he was sleeping. He'd been on automatic pilot as he replied with a quiet 'fine' and gave a tight smile as part of his reply, but it can't have fooled anyone. There was a problem and even if Christian thought he was covering it up, or misleading himself into thinking everything was fine, he wasn't fooling the professionals.

During the next night, his sleep was filled with spectres and frightening imagery and he was beginning to lose his grasp while in the dark. He hadn't meant to fall asleep but the ward was quiet, everything seemed to be running to a rhythm around him and it lulled him despite his best efforts - just as it had the night before. There was only so long he could continue staying awake, but each time he finally succumbed to sleep, he felt worse the next morning - whether that was his awful sleep pattern, or whether it was a result of the nightmares.

That day he did his best to get out of the bed. With the drip still in place making sure he stayed hydrated to help his skin heal, he had plenty of trips to make to the bathroom. On top of that he sat in the chair by his bed, stood looking out the window or took slow meanders down the corridor with his squeaky wheeled drip beside him.

He was beginning to have difficulty eating, his heart just wasn't in it, but he forced enough down to please the nurses. He told himself that the hospital food was the only reason he didn't have much of an appetite. After all, it had a reputation for a reason.

*

Daniel came to take his dinner plate away and regarded Christian carefully. He'd been watching closely for the past few days and he'd seen Christian's eyes darken and flatten. The life just wasn't in them as he could have sworn it had been before. He kept asking Christian what was wrong and Christian just shrugged and said it wasn't anything...

"You don't fool me." Daniel replied. "You're supposed to be in here to get better. I don't see any progress."

"Doc said my skin graft is taking."

"The physical problems are healing, yes. But the rest of you... Christian, you look terrible. I don't think you're getting enough rest."

Christian scoffed. "I'm in a bed practically all day. I'm resting."

"Not properly." Daniel sat in the seat by the bed. "The night nurses say you're awake a lot of the time when they look in."

Christian turned a confused look to Daniel. He'd never noticed any of the nurses checking at night time, he never saw them around, unless maybe when new patients were brought in during the night to an empty bed. But even then, they were much too busy to even glance at Christian, surely. Christian swallowed. "I don't know what you're getting at."

"You look like you haven't slept in days, Christian. I'm trained, I know the symptoms. You can't hide that kind of thing around here. The doctors are getting worried, too."

"There's no need. I just... need to get out here. Back home."

"And I'm sure home would do you the world of good. You always look better when Syed's here. More relaxed. But a word to the wise - if you don't get some proper rest soon... the doctors will have to look into it."

"What?"

"They'll refer you."

*

"I know he doesn't look great but he's just been through something traumatic, isn't that to be expected?" Syed asked.

Daniel had taken him aside before the visiting hour, hoping to have a quiet word with him and share some concerns. Syed had been surprised when he'd brought up the idea of a 'referral' and what that might mean.

"That's my point. I've seen similar things before after various types of incidents. Sometimes people have trouble coping with what they've seen. It's post-traumatic stress. If he can't come to terms with things on his own he'll need to get help."

"What did the doctor say?" Syed crossed his arms, concerned.

"I think they might bring in someone tomorrow to talk to him. See if they can work out what it is that's bothering him."

"Well, I'm pretty sure that being trapped in a fire for the second time in a matter of months doesn't help."

"It's probably a bit deeper than that. An aspect of what he saw or did that bothers him. Like a feeling of guilt hanging over him."

Syed thought for a moment. It was possible. Maybe Christian felt guilty about Alec's death. It wasn't his fault that the man had killed himself and there was nothing he could have done. If anything, Syed felt guilt for maintaining they should find him before leaving. If they hadn't, they'd both have made it out much sooner and Christian wouldn't be lying in hospital with multiple burns over his body.

He took a deep breath and bit one of his nails. "Okay, well... I can try having a word with him, but whatever is necessary to get him back to his old self, that's what's important. If he needs extra help with that, then so be it."

Daniel put a hand on Syed's shoulder and squeezed lightly before walking off, letting Syed head in to see Christian.

Putting on a smile, he walked into the ward, where he saw Christian by the window. "Hey," he said, walking up behind him and reaching up slightly for a quick peck on the lips. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine, ready to go home."

"You know that's not possible until Monday."

"I know." Christian looked down, resigned. His stubble was longer than it had been before, covering the pallor of his skin and the lines around his eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Syed tried to be subtle but clearly it couldn't have worked as Christian affixed him with a stern stare.

"Nurse Dan spoke to you, didn't he? I'm not stupid. Besides, I saw you both outside the ward."

"He's concerned, and rightly so. I am too, Christian. Everyone just wants you better and home." Remembering what Daniel said about this maybe being about guilt he turned Christian so he could look at him properly, the light shining through the window making him seem more gaunt than before. "You do know that none of this is your fault, right?"

"I... yes." He didn't sound convincing. "It's just, it's not about a guilt thing, alright? I just have a jumble of things in my head and they just need sorting out. You know... I need to file them all away in the right places."

"And you're struggling."

Christian bit his lower lip to stop himself from breaking at the tender look in Syed's eyes. "Yeah, I am."


	19. Chapter 19

Syed came out of the Minute Mart, clutching the thin carrier bag and squinting against the early spring sun. It was perfect weather for a training session and he missed the sight of seeing Christian out in his gear coming back from a run.

He heard his name being called from somewhere nearby and spun around to see Jane coming from the direction of the Caf.

"Syed, wait!" She called out, as she approached him. "I thought you'd be at the hospital, isn't it visiting time at the moment?"

"I'm not going in until tonight," Syed answered.

"But, does that mean he's not got anyone in with him this afternoon?" She seemed worried, which surprised him. She hadn't even been to see him since about two days before.

"He's been taken to an appointment elsewhere in the hospital so there was no point in going along at the moment."

"Wait, what, Syed? You're being cryptic. What's going on?"

Syed glared sternly at her. "Like you care." He'd had enough of tip-toeing around her and Christian. He could see that sometimes she wasn't the most supportive of sisters yet all he'd ever seen from Christian for her was love and affection. Okay, so he was biased towards Christian and knew much more about his day to day life and how much he always tried to help his sister, but he was still pretty sure the whole relationship had a tendency to be lopsided and he hated to see Christian being taken advantage of. "You haven't been to see him in days; this afternoon won't make much difference to you."

"Syed, I'm trying..."

"I don't care," he butted in. "I really don't care. All I know is it's me taking care of him and everyone else is just... in the background."

"I'm his sister. I'm concerned for him still. What's this appointment he's got today?"

Syed rolled his eyes when she mentioned being his sister. "He's seeing a psychiatrist... or a psychologist. They're worried about his mental state."

Jane looked at Syed, her mouth open in surprise. "I don't understand; he seemed fine. This is _Christian_ we're talking about." She only half meant it jokingly but it only caused Syed to erupt in return.

"If you'd been to see him lately you'd have seen how bad he is. He's been going downhill these last few days. He's worn out, stressed, pale... I'm told he's got no real appetite and he's withdrawn when talking with the doctors. They're worried about him and I am too. If this is what he needs, to get some professional help, then so be it."

"Surely once we get him back home... I mean, he just needs to be with the people who care about him."

"People? Try PERSON!" Syed moved closer to Jane, not caring if he attracted an audience out in the open. He then let his voice drop to more of a menacing whisper. "It's ME. I'm the one who cares. I'm the one who is there every day in that hospital. I'm the one who'll be taking care of him when he gets out. I'll be the one with him from first thing in the morning all the way to going to bed at night and all his friends and relatives who give him the odd phone call or pop round for dinner - you think all these people are going to take the time to talk to him, to help him? What he needs is ME. And he'll get me. Maybe if you can tear yourself away from the Beale empire for long enough, you might come visit us, but don't pretend that you know what he needs right now, or how he's doing. I'm the only one who knows, and I'll be the one to make the decisions."

He turned and walked away, not giving her time to reply. And he really hoped she talked to other people about his outburst. The likes of Roxy needed to hear it too. He didn't want 'hangers on' once Christian was home. If need be it would just be the two of them, holed up in the flat, taking care of each other. They could help each other get back on track. All they had ever needed was each other.

*

Christian was wheeled back into the ward after being away for the majority of the afternoon. Or it felt like it, certainly. He'd had to wait outside the psych office for ages before being taken in, and then had to wait for a porter to bring him back. Being in the wheelchair felt silly but it was hospital policy that patients had to be in them when going around the place for appointments and such.

He resented having to go speak to someone and had fought against the counsellor for the first part of the session but his exhaustion proved his undoing and he'd become angry. And then resigned. And then he'd actually welled up. He discussed with her that his main worry was losing Syed and that the whole time he was in hospital, he couldn't bear being away from him.

He didn't mention anything about Alec beyond being glad he was finally gone and could no longer hurt them. The fact that there was relief there seemed convincing enough for her.

His tiredness? He maintained he had trouble sleeping in hospitals.

Whether she bought it or not, he wasn't sure. It wasn't entirely untrue though. He'd never had so much trouble sleeping and this was one of the few times he'd been in hospital - the correlation did exist. But it wasn't the hospital he dreamed about when he closed his eyes. What he saw then, he didn't want to share with anyone, and he didn't want to inflict that imagery on anyone else. It was like watching a horror show but he couldn't hide by shutting his eyes, because that's where the horror was coming from. He still hoped it would all just fade and go away.

And apart from that, he just wanted to go home.

She was going to make some recommendations to the doctors involved in his care. She seemed positive, but that may have been an act. He just had to wait and see and hopefully soon he'd get what he wanted.

*

The next morning, after another mostly restless night with another nightmare to face up to, Christian's doctor came to see him early on. He didn't say much, just that he would be back later on to talk to him about what had happened the day before.

Christian shook his head, impatient. The NHS was so slow. Everyone had to wait for results of tests and paperwork to be filed before anything was said or done for fear of being sued for malpractice or something.

In the afternoon, Syed visited. Christian had been keeping an eye on his watch and Syed appeared like clockwork at 2pm, just like he did at 7pm for the evening visiting hours. Last night he'd already asked how it had gone with the therapist and Christian had been cagey enough in his reply that Syed hadn't pushed, even though Christian could see he was dying to know more.

"So what have the doctors said this morning?"

"The usual. Physically I'm doing well, as for my head, apparently we need to wait while everything is discussed."

"He didn't say if you were still getting out tomorrow?"

"Not yet. But if they take that back, then I'll just discharge myself."

"Christian-"

"No, I mean it. I need to go home. I need to be in my own bed, drinking my own tea, watching my own television."

"And I agree." Christian looked up abruptly as the politely smiling doctor invaded their area of the ward. "I know you're anxious to get home, Mr Clarke. After speaking with the counsellor, she has argued that home would be the best place for you. Your injuries are healing well, so you're still on track to get out of here in the morning."

Christian smiled what felt like the first genuine smile in days and grabbed hold of Syed's hand tightly at the good news.

The doctor hugged Christian's medical notes to his chest, "There will be a lot to go over in the morning about the care of your skin. Mr Masood, you'll probably want to be here for that as you'll need to give him a lot of help. Ask for me when you arrive and I'll take the time to talk with you then."

He took his leave, letting them enjoy the remainder of their time together for that afternoon.

Syed stood and leaned up to kiss Christian on the forehead. "Finally getting you home, then! I guess this means I'll have to chuck my new boyfriend out into the streets... he was settling in so nicely too."

"Oi!" Christian whacked at Syed's shoulder. "Don't joke about that."

"You know I don't mean it. You're the only one for me. Forever and always."

"Always." Christian stroked Syed's hand in his. "Just, you know... give the flat a hoover at least before I get in, yeah?"

"I'll even do the dusting." Syed smiled.


	20. Chapter 20

Syed had arrived at the hospital early and asked to see the doctor as he'd been told to the day before. He was anxious to get Christian home and kept checking his watch constantly, knowing he wouldn't be happy until they were going up the stairs to their flat together.

The meeting he'd had with the doctor was not as upbeat as he would have liked for a patient getting out of hospital. He'd had more explained to him about how Christian's injuries would heal over the next few weeks and what he needed to do to help him. As the burns were on Christian's back, he couldn't reach to take care of them himself; this was a given. Syed had no problem with helping; he just hoped Christian wouldn't take umbrage with the idea of 'being taken care of'. The Doctor had once more expressed concern for Christian's mental health as well, and though they were letting him out, it felt to Syed as if the Doctor expected Christian to need a lot of help to get over it.

So what if most burn victims needed counseling after an incident? Surely that was for disfigurement, and Syed could understand the need for that, but Christian's were out of sight for the most part and they would heal, hopefully with little scarring. As for the idea that he could suffer from depression, that just wasn't the Christian he knew. Mind you, there was the time he'd been beaten and displayed symptoms of agoraphobia for a few weeks... but Syed had helped him get over that without the need for professional help. He had nothing against counsellors - he just felt that the idea of needing one might hinder Christian's recovery. What if Christian began to feel inadequate? Or developed depression because he'd been told he probably would and that idea lingered in his head? Christian didn't need to be treated with kid gloves, he just needed to be at home where he could be taken care of and recuperate. What Syed was sure Christian needed was normality. And they just needed each other right now.

He'd promised the doctor he'd keep a proper eye on everything and call a number he'd passed on, should any help be needed. He'd been tempted to throw the card away but then... well, he'd better not.

Once out of the hospital, with Christian now in street clothes for the first time in over a week, they linked arms as they made their way into the taxi and held hands loosely in the back of the cab as they drove through Walford.

In his grey tracksuit, Christian unzipped the hooded top and discarded it once inside the flat so that the air could get to the skin on his back, which was now only hidden by a white vest. Syed watched as Christian looked around the flat and swiped a finger along the tabletop checking for dust. He grinned at Christian, though the other man hadn't even turned to give him a playful look like he'd expected. He plodded over and sat on the end of the bed before looking back at Syed who was hanging back by the door.

After a moment of silence passing between them, Syed perked up, "I even did the washing up."

Christian's head dropped slightly as he huffed a small laugh. "At least that's one thing I don't have to do then."

"Hey," Syed said as he came over, sitting next to Christian on the bed and putting an arm around him. "Now get this into your head now, I'm in charge and I'm telling you that you're not to do housework. You're not supposed to stretch your skin so you're to lie in bed or on the sofa and watch TV... that's it."

"I can still do some things."

"Aa! No. You do as you're told," Syed said sternly.

"Yes, sir," Christian said as he leaned his head over onto Syed's shoulder.

"Are you still tired? We should get you into bed."

"Well, yes, but I'd rather just relax with you. I can sleep later."

"Are you sure? You look like you could fall asleep on your feet given half a chance."

"I'm sure." Christian pulled back a little, sitting up again. "I just want to put everything aside for a few minutes. If we just sit and watch some TV..."

"Okay," Syed agreed, hoping that maybe Christian would fall asleep on the sofa anyway. The doctors were right - he clearly needed some proper rest that he hadn't been able to have in the hospital. So long as he got it tonight then that was fine anyway. Until then he'd be happy to just wait on Christian. He'd get his rest today regardless, even if he didn't get to sleep until later on.

*

Sometime around mid-afternoon, after Syed had cleared away the lunch plates and actually done the washing up (impressing Christian in the process by doing it straight away), he went into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle that he had on hand from his courses - the plainest possible mineral oil.

"Seeing as you're just sitting there, it's time we put some of this on." He waved the bottle in the air.

"I think this will be the first time you'll have ever innocently rubbed oil into me."

"Who said this would be innocent?" Syed smiled deviously. "Come on, you should lie on the bed for this, we don't want oil on the sofa." He felt like he was practically quoting Christian on that - he'd always insisted they use the oil on a surface that was washable.

Christian pulled a pillow underneath his chest as he lay flat out and Syed straddled his hips. This was the first time he'd get the chance to examine Christian's back properly. He'd seen the damage, before and after the graft, and he'd clinically discussed the technicalities of the injury with the doctors... but this was him actually looking at the damage and at what had happened to Christian. And this was him doing his small part to try and ease some of the suffering, as inadequate as it felt to him to be able to do nothing more than rub oil on his back.

He tenderly stroked against the skin with the tips of his lightly oiled fingers, tracing around the edges where the skin was knitting together. He wiped his face against his shoulder and other arm as he felt the tears build behind his eyes but he was determined to not let them fall as he needed to be strong for Christian right now, even while Christian had his face down in a pillow.

He leaned down and placed small, butterfly kisses around Christian's shoulder and back where the worst of the other burns had been, though those were healing on their own. His forehead came to rest on the back of Christian's neck. "I'm so sorry." He whispered against him.

"Don't, Sy." Christian's voice was muffled by the bedding.

"I know," Syed responded, hoping his voice came over comforting, knowing Christian didn't want a fuss or pity.

Syed craned his neck to that he could kiss Christian's cheek and jaw before pulling back. He cleared his throat and took a breath as he continued. He was being cautious as he rubbed the oil over Christian's skin. It did have a sensual feel to it despite its necessity to provide hydration for new skin that had no defences of its own, and he spread his hands out to cover more of Christian's back and both shoulders. He hoped it might help Christian nod off if he did it right, but even when it was all over his back, Christian was still pointedly awake despite having heavy eyes.

Syed could read Christian easily. He saw that his lover needed and wanted to close his eyes and sleep, but was staunchly staying awake and wouldn't take kindly to being told, yet again, to get rest after days in a hospital where they'd expected him to get more. Seeing it for himself, he could understand the frustration the nurses like Daniel had felt.

*

"Did you tell Jane I was coming home today?" Christian asked as he came out of the bathroom after dinner.

"Uh, yeah. I'm not sure if I said when today but she knows not to go to the hospital to visit you."

"Okay."

Syed could easily detect the disappointment in Christian's voice. No one had come round to see them today. After Syed's rant he was surprised - surely Jane would have wanted to see her brother now he was home? And what about the likes of Roxy? She was supposed to be Christian's best friend and yet where was she?

"Maybe they wanted to give you some time to settle in again at home before inundating you." He hated making excuses for them, but he didn't want Christian to think they didn't care.

"Maybe." Christian tried to smile but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Besides, we don't need them, do we?" Syed prodded Christian lightly. "Just the two of us. Together. That's all we really need, right?"

Christian reached out and ran his fingers over Syed's hand before taking it in his. "Yeah, just us."

Syed felt like having another rant at Jane tomorrow. He couldn't believe she hadn't been round today, of all days! He was angry. Very much so. He was doing his best not to show it in front of Christian but it was harder knowing that he was angry because of the upset he could see etched on Christian's face. Seeing that hurt in his expression just made him more annoyed, in a vicious cycle.

Syed pulled his legs under him on the sofa and, twisting towards Christian, he raised himself so he was kneeling on the sofa and he pulled Christian into a hug. With Christian's head resting on his shoulder, Syed felt Christian's arms go around him and clutch into the fabric of his shirt. He kissed the top of his head before pulling back slightly. "Tell you what, why don't we put on a movie and I'll make us some hot chocolate?"

Christian smiled as he pulled back, wiping his eye but covering it by scratching at his forehead after. "Sounds good. Not Titanic though, it'll just depress me."

Syed indulged Christian with a smile. "Good, because I hate that movie. I have no idea why you have a fascination with it."

Christian's eyes widened in surprise. "You told me before that you liked it!"

"I told you that so that I could get you into bed." Syed thought back. It had been a long time since they'd first watched it together, flicking through channels one night and finding it on and almost finished. Christian had wanted to watch some of it and Syed had readily agreed after seeing Christian smile. It had been back near the beginning of their relationship - if you could call it that back then - and Syed had agreed with Christian about a lot of little things. And he'd done it for a reason: he hated the look of disappointment on Christian's face when he was forced to leave and go back to his family. If he could limit that look to only when they parted, then he would do so. So it was true, that he'd said it to get him in bed. Their time was precious back then and he wanted to spend it with Christian, not Christian and Leonardo Di Caprio.

"Why don't you pick, then?"

"No. I picked last night."

"I wasn't here last night."

"Doesn't matter, you pick."

"Fine!" Christian threw his hands up in exasperation. "Fine..." He screwed his eyes up in concentration and then an evil smirk crossed his face.

Syed knew instantly what movie his man was thinking of. "Oh, for heaven's sake."

"You said I could choose."

Syed picked up a cushion from behind him and threw it at Christian's smug grin.


	21. Chapter 21

Syed was woken by an elbow to his chest, but it took him a minute to clear the fog from his brain. With a sudden rush of adrenalin waking him up, he realised that it was Christian thrashing around in the bed that forced him awake. At first, he wasn't sure what to do, but he gingerly reached out to Christian, who, although no longer moving about, was looking tense in his sleep and had a sheen of sweat on his brow.

"Christian," he said quietly. "Hey, it's okay," he said as his lover moved around again.

Christian's eyes opened and he pushed himself up to a sitting position, leaving Syed behind on the bed, leaning on his elbow. As Christian made no move to lie back, Syed sat up to be closer to him but he didn't reach out to him, not yet... not when he took in the tenseness of Christian's muscles and his shallow breathing.

"It was just a nightmare, everything's fine," he said, hoping his voice was a soothing as he was aiming for in the quiet of the night.

"Yeah," Christian responded, his head now turned more towards Syed. "Yeah, I know."

"What was it?" He reached a hand out now and gently massaged up and down Christian's spine.

"I don't really remember much."

"So it wasn't like that one from before? The one where Fatboy kept putting 'bling' around your neck until you couldn't breathe?" Syed smiled a little at the memory. Of course that nightmare had happened in the middle of an afternoon, when Christian and he had fallen asleep after making love and Syed had insisted that Christian keep his tie on but discard the rest of his suit. The tie had become caught up between them as they slept and tightened around Christian's neck. It could have been more serious but they'd laughed it off and Christian had had a thing about playing with Syed's ties ever since.

But this seemed more serious. Especially when the smile Christian gave in response to the reminder had seemed for show rather than being genuine.

"This one was different," Christian nodded, and even if he was telling the truth about not remembering much, he seemed scared by what he'd seen in his sleep.

Syed kept his hand on Christian's back. "Was it about Alec?" He didn't want to ask but if he was going to help Christian, he had to know.

"I think so. Maybe. I dunno... I remember seeing fire, I guess." Christian was cagey in his response but did seem to genuinely not remember much and Syed could only consider that a blessing. He may not have seen what Christian had in the fire but he knew it couldn't have been pleasant. He just wished Christian would open up to him more, but then, he always found it difficult to ask considering that he really didn't want to know. Being a supportive boyfriend meant that he should, and he really wanted to be there for Christian and try to ease any burdens. He just had very little clue how to go about it without upsetting either of them.

Christian turned into him and they both collapsed back onto the bed together with Christian's head safely tucked into Syed's neck, while Syed kept his arms around him. He stroked his fingers over the back of Christian's head as Christian's breathing slowly returned to normal and he could feel his heartbeat slowing again.

"You should try to go back to sleep. You need it," he said quietly.

"I wish people would stop saying that," Christian sighed.

"Well, if you didn't need it, we wouldn't keep saying it."

"Let me have a minute first though, yeah? I'm wide awake now, anyway."

"You still look exhausted. Look at those bags under your eyes, have you looked in the mirror lately?" He didn't want to use Christian's vanity against him, but maybe it would work.

It took Christian a few moments in the dark before he replied, probably weighing up what he should say. "I'm so tired," he eventually let out, quietly, but like a burden had lifted by admitting it.

"I know." Syed could only be supportive right now.

"There's so much in my head, whirring around."

"Maybe I can help you shut it up, yeah?" He didn't mean it to sound like he was suggesting sex, but he belatedly realised that it could be taken that way - but Christian didn't laugh at the innuendo, like he normally would. It seemed to go over his head for once. That in itself was worrying.

"I don't want to put all this on anyone else."

"Hey," Syed pulled back a little and tilted Christian's head up so he could try and see his eyes, even though it was dark in the room. "I'm your boyfriend. I'm going to be your husband. It's not about 'putting it on me'. It's about me trying to help the man I love."

Christian worried at his bottom lip then leaned in and kissed Syed. "I love you, too," he said before settling himself back down, this time with his head slightly lower on Syed's chest.

"That wasn't why I said all that."

"I know but just... let it go for the moment. Please."

Syed was glad of the dark, so Christian couldn't see how frustrating he was being. Syed didn't want to start an argument so he did as asked and let it go. Mostly. "Fine. Let's go back to sleep."

Christian sighed but didn't respond; he just placed a small kiss on Syed's chest where he was lying and settled in against him. Syed's thoughts turned again to worry for Christian. If this wasn't his first nightmare then it would explain why he was so tired, if he wasn't getting any sleep while he suffered from them. It would make sense. The only question would be how long it had been happening for. Of course, he also wanted to know why Christian hadn't said anything to him about it. Though, maybe in that thick head of his he hadn't thought it important since the doctors hadn't done or said anything about it... they must have assumed his tiredness was a result of his injuries.

He didn't know what to do, except be there and make sure Christian realised that whatever he saw in his sleep had no bearing on real life.

As Syed considered everything, it took him a while to fall back asleep himself. He had hoped to stay awake until Christian had but he couldn't hold out...

*

Christian hadn't meant to fall asleep again, but being in the comfort of Syed's arms and listening to the beating of his heart had lulled him, and before he knew it his dozing turned back into sleep and eventually back into his nightmares.

Luckily when he woke with a start this time, his head flying up from where it was against Syed, it wasn't enough to wake his partner. He flattened a hand against the beating of his own heart, feeling it so loudly banging that he was almost scared that would wake Syed. He kept his hand pressed against himself, trying to suppress it, trying to slow it down with light rubs.

Carefully he placed a kiss against Syed's temple and then moved his own pillow into the spot he was in to keep it warm as he backed out of the bed and padded into the kitchen. He got himself a glass from the shelf and poured some water for himself, drinking it quickly before placing the glass in the sink and leaning over it, thinking... not sure what to do.

He'd had vague hopes that being home and being with Syed would help put a stop to the nightmares. He'd hoped they'd only plagued him when in hospital, where he could hear all the strange noises at night and was surrounded by strangers.

But apparently not.

Whatever this was, this... chronic nightmare problem, it was beginning to have a bigger effect on him that he was struggling to deny to himself and hide from the people around him. He was supposed to be healing but what Syed had said earlier was right - he'd seen himself in the mirror and he wasn't stupid, he knew how gaunt his face looked and how old it made him look. And feel.

He wiped a hand over his face and slowly made his way over to the sofa, grabbing his dressing gown on the way. He sprawled himself out and picked up a magazine. He tried to read it but his thoughts were distracting even for news on Cheryl Cole.

He was losing track of the images in his dreams. The first few had been vivid; he'd seen garish images of Alec's death, then seen that person become Syed and witnessed the horror of losing the one person he loved more than anything else. And his mind had started making up new horrors as well... there was one nightmare he had a memory of, where he saw Alec in the morgue, opened up the body bag and found all sorts of insects and disgusting creatures eating away at the burned flesh, escaping the bag and attacking him, trying to get to his back and shoulder.

It was little wonder he was being put off eating sometimes.

Tonight, so far, he had little memory of the specifics of the dreams. The feelings they left behind though, those were unmistakable. He had fleeting images of fire again in his head of faces that were in pain and frightened. And blackness. There was a lot of black and of darkness the colour of charcoal. In that blackness, when he thought back on it, it had a feeling come to him akin to loss, or of grief. Everything in his head was so negative. When it was night time and dark outside, his entire being just fell into negativity. So long as it was light outside he could do his best to ignore it all, and to enjoy himself and his time with Syed. Heck, he'd even crack a few jokes when his mood was at its best.

He was beginning to fear the night, like a frightened child. And he had no clue how to get over it. But to ask for help for something like this? Who would he ask? And he still hoped it would pass over time. He hated feeling this way but what could he really do right now?

He'd never asked for help over a year before, when he'd felt like a prisoner in his own flat, but somehow Syed had helped him break through that barrier. He didn't want to burden Syed with his problems like this again. They'd got through it before with Syed just being there for him. And here he was again.

Christian turned and looked to the bed where Syed was peacefully hugging his pillow.

Yes, all he needed was for Syed to be there, and somehow he'd get over all this. He didn't need any other help.

As the sun began to rise in the early morning of spring and peeked through the slats of the blinds, Christian was able to go back to reading this week's gossip and marvel once again about why they always had to print trash about Katie Price...


	22. Chapter 22

"Hey." The sleepy voice came from the bed. Christian turned his head.

"Hey," he answered, as he watched Syed's confused, half-asleep face as he realised he was hugging a pillow to his chest.

Syed pushed the duvet down and leaned up to see where Christian was. "What are you doing over there?"

"Couldn't sleep. I got up a while ago."

"Did you even go back to sleep at all?"

"Yes. I did," he said, smiling at Syed's concern. "But I woke up again and here I am."

"What are you doing?" Syed clambered out of the bed and grabbed his own dressing gown from behind the door, shuffling over to the sofa.

Christian held up the magazine. "Reading about the fascinating exploits of our nation's finest celebrities."

Syed flopped down beside him as Christian turned himself so that he was sitting up. Syed reached a hand out and cupped Christian's face with a smile. "How are you feeling, anyway?"

"I'm good." He tried to be convincing and somehow, in the light of day, he felt he could be more convincing but it still took effort, which was concerning. "How about some breakfast?"

"Sounds good. I'll take a shower first." Syed stood again and after walking the long way around the sofa he trailed a hand over Christian's shoulders, leaned down briefly to kiss the top of his head, and then moved off, walking into the bathroom. Christian watched until Syed disappeared from his view before getting up and heading into the kitchen.

He looked out the bread, put some in the toaster, grabbed the cereal from a cupboard and then pulled the milk out of the fridge. He left a filled bowl out for Syed, but he knew Syed didn't like soggy cereal so put everything out for him, ready for when he got out of the shower. He headed to the table with his own bowl and ate quietly.

Syed came out, rubbing a towel over his hair. "Do you smell that?" he asked as he headed into the kitchen area.

"Smell what?" Christian turned around to watch him.

"Christian!" Syed growled through his teeth. Christian looked over and watched as Syed popped the toaster up to reveal the burnt slices of toast that had been blackened entirely. As the smell assaulted Christian's nostrils he turned away, feeling a sudden panicky sensation. He could hear Syed lifting the bin lid to get rid of them and turning the toaster off.

"Hey, it's just toast, we can put some more on," he heard as Syed came round to see him.

"Yeah I know." Christian looked up and forced a smile on his face. "Sorry, I forgot I'd put it on, and I can't have set it right either."

"Sit down, I'll get some more sorted."

"No, don't bother, I don't think I want any now, but don't let me stop you."

"How about I make us some waffles instead. I think there are some in the freezer still."

*

The buzzer went for the door and Christian looked up automatically from where he was sitting at the table on the laptop. Syed was in the back room tidying up their laundry so he got up for it.

"It's me!" he heard as he buzzed in Jane. He heard her coming up the stairs and took a deep breath to ready himself to be polite. He wanted visitors but at the same time, he didn't. He felt like just cocooning himself with Syed, but he loved his sister and his friends and would welcome the break from everything else. Still, having visitors meant using up energy to be welcoming and part of him couldn't be bothered with that.

He grabbed a loose shirt that he had laid aside. Syed had already been at his back with the oil again and he'd been letting it soak into his skin. As he pulled it down over his chest he opened the door for his sister who stood there holding a bunch of flowers and a box of what looked like home baking... which was probably cake from the caf.

"Hey, Sis."

"It's so good to see you home." Jane wrapped him in a hug. "You should come to the Vic with everyone later, I'm sure they'd all like to know you're doing okay."

"I don't know. I'm not sure that I'm up to all that yet."

Jane put the box down on the table and turned a sympathetic face to her brother. "Everyone misses you. It'll do you good to get out into the fresh air."

"Fresh air in the pub?"

"You know what I mean."

Syed came out from the back room, having heard the voices, and walked over, putting an arm around Christian as they all chatted. He smiled tightly at Jane. "We had plans for tonight, Jane. Sorry. Maybe in a few days once he's up to it."

Christian mentally thanked Syed for the out. "Sorry, sis."

"You know... I know you need time to get better but don't shut yourself out, hun, okay? You need to get out there and get back to normal."

"I know. I will."

"Good." She looked warily at Syed. There was clearly something Christian had missed and he made a mental note to ask Syed about it later, even though he knew he'd probably forget about it anyway. Something had happened between his two closest family members though, and it didn't look like it was something good.

"How about we have some tea and a proper chat, eh?" Christian asked, breaking the tension. "You can tell me about the horrid things Ian has done now."

*

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Don't see it as a proper work-related visit; more that of a concerned neighbour." Yusef stood casually in their living room as Christian kept his hands folded over his chest. He was well aware of the body language he was projecting, and Yusef knew it too.

"I'm fine. Everyone at the hospital was very helpful and now I'm just glad to be home."

"I hope Syed is taking good care of you."

"He always does." Christian didn't mean to sound defensive, or confrontational. But something in him felt that Yusef was here for some one-up-man-ship over Zainab and Masood. Everyone knew of his relationship with Zainab now and what had happened. Of course, Christian had known for a bit longer thanks to Tam and Syed and he truly felt for her, for them both. Now he felt he had more in common with them too, strangely.

"It may not be my place, but as your doctor I only want to make sure you heal properly. I've been through something similar. Perhaps my personal knowledge will come in handy. I want you to know you can come to me about anything while you recover."

"Thank you. That's kind. But I'm sure I'll be just fine."

"I did promise the hospital I would follow up. I believe it was mentioned upon your release. I won't take up much of your time, but it would be best if I could take a look at your back."

"Right. Uh... yes, they did say..." Christian had completely forgotten most of what the doctors had said about his release. He'd heard that he was going home, figured they'd tell him what to do to his back and then he'd be gone. Syed had been the one to take in the most of the information about his back anyway, since he'd volunteered himself to the doctors to take care of Christian, as Christian couldn't exactly reach everything properly. But now, he had a vague notion of a mention of the local GP.

He'd been forgetting a few things lately. But he was tired, these things happened occasionally.

Syed arrived back from the Minute Mart just as Christian was pulling his shirt back on again and Yusef was tidying up his bag. He looked to Yusef politely, "Is everything okay?"

"It looks good. Your care is definitely paying off," Yusef nodded.

"Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee?" Christian asked.

"Tea would be nice, actually. Thank you," Yusef replied.

Christian made his way into the kitchen and looked around himself. As he got some mugs down, he put the kettle on and shouted over to ask if Yusef wanted milk and sugar. He looked around for tea bags but couldn't see any. "Sy? Did you buy tea just now? I can't find any."

"It's where it always is, there was some there this morning."

Christian ducked his head around the pillar and saw the two men standing by the sofa. "I don't see it."

Syed turned his head to look past Christian into the kitchen. "I can see it from here. It's behind you."

"It is?" Christian looked confused as he turned back, missing the curious expression on Yusef's face as he did so. "Oh. Sorry. You're right." Christian spotted the box now and was unsure how he could have missed it before. He then dropped a tea bag into one of the cups, only belatedly realising he'd put milk and sugar in it already, which he didn't normally do. After pouring the water into the three cups he realised, having done things slightly out of order, he no longer was sure which mug had whose tea in it. "Sy? Can I borrow you a minute?"

Syed excused himself from Yusef and came into the kitchen. "What is it?"

"I uh... I don't know which is which."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't remember which mug I put sugar in, and which I didn't."

"It's not a big deal," Syed said, sensing the tenseness in Christian, like this was some big conundrum that couldn't be solved. "We'll just try them and see."

"Right. That makes sense."

"Are you okay?" Syed asked as he used the spoon to test a mug and determined it to be the one meant for Christian. "You seem wound up."

"I'm fine, just... my head's a bit sore." Why had he made such a big deal over a cup of tea? It was normal, every day... He'd made a silly, easily fixable mistake and then acted like it was serious. Why had he done that? Why was he stressed about three cups of tea? The more he wondered, the more he got annoyed at himself. He felt suddenly like an invalid, like he had a part of him not quite working properly and was getting frustrated at not being able to use it properly, like a broken leg.

He couldn't get his head around it.

"Is everything okay?" Yusef asked, having snuck up on them more. He was now standing, leaning against the pillar with his hands in his pockets.

"It's fine, he's still tired. You know what it's like trying to sleep in a hospital with everything going on around the place, his sleep is all out of whack."

"Of course," Yusef said. Buying it or not, he seemed willing to let it slide, as if it was something he was never supposed to witness.


	23. Chapter 23

Syed's fog-addled brain slowly came to life as he woke in the dark. It took him a few moments to register being awake and what had woken him, but then he realised it had been Christian's movements next to him in the bed that had done so. He reached over to find a warm imprint where Christian had been lying and as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he saw Christian sitting up in the bed once more.

Instantly he was fully awake, and sat up. He draped his arms around Christian from behind and rubbed down the length of his arm. "It's okay... it was just a dream."

Christian stayed quiet and Syed could feel him trembling underneath him. His hand rubbed against Christian's chest, over his heart. He felt the strong pulses there racing and beating out of Christian's skin and worried once more about what Christian was going through when he slept.

Syed pulled him in tighter to him. "Your heart's racing. Take a deep breath, come on..."

As Christian breathed he turned himself into Syed, tucking his head into his neck and breathing deeply. A few moments later, once Christian seemed to be calming down, a new problem arose for Syed as he felt the wetness of tears against his skin where Christian's face was pressed against his shoulder.

"Hey, it's okay."

"No it's not." Christian's reply was muffled. "It's pathetic."

"It's not pathetic. You've been through a lot. Tell me about it, it might help"

Christian pulled back enough to see Syed in the low light. Syed brought a hand between them and rubbed Christian's eyes to dry his tears. He still didn't say anything, instead seeming to be weighing up what to say or where to start, so Syed prompted him, "Do you remember tonight's dream?"

"A little bit but not so much."

"Was it about the fire again?"

"I think so. It always is, but not at the same time. I mean... I see fire, in different ways. I have some dreams where I'm blocked in by it and can't get out... or you're trapped and I can't get to you... or I'm pulled back and not allowed near you. Every time I just feel helpless and scared. Sometimes, it's not fire though... sometimes I see body bags or blood and dirt or I just hear screaming and crying..."

Christian trailed off, unable to even look into Syed's eyes, and after swallowing a lump in his throat Syed raised Christian's chin and looked at him, hoping he could show his support in his eyes. "Christian... how long has this been going on?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Ever since I was in hospital. They started straight away."

"Christian..." Syed didn't mean to moan but he was frustrated with Christian for not asking for help or support. The stupid man was either too proud or too scared to talk about them but that was silly, and Syed had to make Christian realise that.

"I didn't want to burden you."

"You're no burden, you know that!"

"And it's silly... they're bad dreams. I should be the one doing the comforting when Amy gets them... not having _you_ calm _me_ down when I wake up screaming."

"Hey. Amy's bad dreams involve falling out of bed and being scared by Disney monsters. Yours are a lot different and you need to realise that there's nothing wrong with that. Since I've known you, you've been beaten up twice, trapped in two fires, almost killed by a madman who kidnapped my baby brother and been in hospital enough times to drive me to an early grave. Christian... it's enough to drive the sanest man to the brink. You've got no reason to feel bad about any of that. You're my hero, and always will be."

"I don't feel like Superman anymore," Christian pouted, sadly.

"You still are to me."

Christian took a deep breath. Their conversation may have eased him slightly, and he may be getting to a point where that evening's nightmare was beginning to fade in his mind but he still looked haunted.

"Are you sure there's nothing else bothering you about these dreams?" Syed gently prodded.

"You mean besides the fact that they keep recurring? No... I don't think so."

Syed eyed Christian suspiciously. He still felt like he was holding back but he'd have to be careful. Getting Christian to fully open up may take some time. He'd never liked to appear weak or like he couldn't handle himself. Syed put it down to his childhood and running from home after coming out to his mother. He'd supported himself from a young age and as such was staunchly sure that he didn't need help with 'big' things. He'd never been in a relationship like this before, so he was still learning that Syed was fully there for him. Of course, Syed wasn't any more experienced than Christian in these matters. But the more they could rely on each other now, surely, the sooner they'd be able to deal with things and move on.

"Come on, lie back with me, beautiful." Syed kissed Christian's temple as they relaxed back onto the bed together and he kept a soothing hand stroking Christian's arm. "Go back to sleep."

"What if I can't?"

"Then I won't either. I'm not going back to sleep until you do."

"Don't be silly."

"I'm here for you if you need me. That's final."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"You must have done something good."

Christian turned his face up as Syed spoke and once their eyes met, Christian smiled properly for the first time since they'd woken as he let out a small giggle that infectiously caught Syed as well.

"In my wicked past?"

"One and the same." Syed laughed, "Now go to sleep. And if it helps... try to imagine me in lederhosen serenading you or something... that should put out the fires in your mind..."

They giggled again and before they knew it, both of them had drifted off.

*

"No! No... Syed... Syed, please..."

The insistent tapping at his face woke him and he shook his head to get it to stop. "What...?"

"Syed, come on, babe... don't do this..."

"Hey," Syed's eyes popped open. It was lighter now in the flat and he was better able to make out Christian's face properly, but he didn't like what he saw. The other man was frantic and had tear stains on his face, and the look of panic was one that struck fear into his own heart. He leaned up onto an elbow but was immediately tackled back onto the bed as Christian hugged him tightly.

"Oh my god, I was so scared..."

"Christian, what was it?" He freed an arm and put it round Christian, his fingers playing against Christian's hair. "Another nightmare? Christian, talk to me..."

"It felt so real." Christian's voice was strained and almost a whisper as he answered. "I thought you were dead..."

"I'm not." Syed pulled Christian's face up so they could look into each others' eyes. "See? Look at me, I'm fine. We're both fine." He did his best to radiate warmth from his eyes, and determination and strength... everything he felt Christian needed from him. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you or to me, do you understand?"

After a moment, Christian nodded. "I'm so sorry... I don't know why I panicked like that."

Syed hugged him close. "It must have been awful. It's okay."

They hugged each other tightly, neither able to get back to sleep now, both worried about the next time it would all happen again.

*

"I need your help." Syed looked towards the door to the bathroom, making sure it was still shut as he paced around the flat. "It's Christian, please... look, I know but I'm just not sure what to do, please... I really need you to help me... thank you."

He hung up the phone and went about everything as normal. He put the kettle on and then knocked on the bathroom door, being rewarded by Christian answering through what sounded like a mouthful of toothpaste that he was just finishing up. After that Christian disappeared into the other room to get dressed and that was when there was a knock on the door.

Syed had buzzed the door below already as he didn't want the sound of the phone to startle Christian with the knowledge that they were getting a visitor. The small knock drew his attention and he took a breath as he opened the door. "Mum."

"Syed." She seemed awkward and ran her hands down her thighs as she looked around. She may have been starting to come to terms with everything but she wasn't going to be attending a pride parade any time soon and Syed knew to be wary around her still. "What's the trouble?"

He showed her in and pulled out a seat for her at the table. "It's Christian. I don't know what to do mum, he's really struggling..." He wiped his eyes, not wanting to give in to his tears as he was trying to be the strong person in the situation.

"You look exhausted." She reached a hand out to his that he took gratefully.

"I was up half the night with him. He's having nightmares. Awful nightmares. I don't know what to do to make them go away."

"You be there. That's all you can do."

"I'm trying, mum. But I feel next to useless because whatever I say or do, he just gets another one, and another... he tried to hide them from me at first but last night he thought I was dead and..." Syed sniffed loudly and wiped at his nose with his sleeve. "Did this happen to you? After the fire?"

"I suppose... there were times I found it difficult to handle. And every single time, Mas was there. Eventually, it gets better. You find a reason to put everything behind you and move on. For me, that was you."

Syed looked at his mum, surprised by her declaration. "Me?"

"Having you, it gave me purpose. I, we, your father and I, we were blessed with a gorgeous little boy."

Syed's eyes widened. "I don't think that's something I can give Christian quite so easily."

Syed was thrown a sarcastic glare by his mother. "You will find something to break through to him... what about your... uhm..." she cleared her throat, "partnership... thing?"

He knew she was still struggling to come to terms with them marrying. He didn't expect her to be there for him, he was, frankly, surprised she'd alluded to it at all. "Our mar..." She shot him a look and he didn't continue the word... "our... union? I'm not sure picking tablecloths is distraction enough from what he's going through."

Christian was smiling when he came out from the back. To Syed he looked exhausted, but he could see how much Christian was trying to put on a brave face too, which fell when he saw they had a visitor. "Zainab?"

"Christian," she said, not quite meeting his eyes.

"I didn't know you were coming over, sorry, I'll leave you two..." Christian gestured that he'd go back into the other room and just as Syed was about to tell him there was no need, there was another knock at the door and they exchanged confused faces.

Syed answered to see Yusef standing there with his doctor's bag and a friendly grin on his face. "I thought I'd stop by again, see how my favourite patient is doing."

"I'm sure you say that to everyone." Christian responded, still trying to put on the happy front when they had guests around.

"Zainab, it's a pleasure to see you again." Yusef smiled at her but she looked uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Yusef." She didn't meet his eyes but turned to Syed. "I was just leaving anyway; I'll let you get to your... work."

Syed saw her out as Yusef put his bag on the table and turned to Christian. "How are you today? Any discomfort?"

"I'm fine." Syed closed the door behind his mother and glared at Christian's response but Yusef couldn't see the looks shooting back and forth between the couple. "I don't think you really have to bother being here."

Syed walked back over to be next to Christian who was leaning on the couch as Yusef continued. "I'm sure you remember our conversation yesterday, I said I'd be back this morning."

Christian scratched the back of his head. "I don't... oh. Oh, right, yes, sorry. I remember."

"It was an interesting conversation." Yusef continued.

"It was." Christian nodded.

"Not least because it never took place."

"Sorry?" Christian asked, eyes narrowing in confusion while Syed remained silent, watching the exchange. He could tell Yusef was up to something with this and was going to let it play out unless he really felt the need to intercede.

"We never discussed it, Christian." Yusef leaned forward. "I just wanted to test you."

"Test if I remember something that didn't happen? That's some great medical expertise there." Christian shook his head and Syed leaned out to touch his arm and gave him a warning, saying his name quietly and under his breath to get Christian to calm down and listen.

"Have you found yourself forgetting a few things recently? Little things here and there... your concentration not being as sharp as it should be?"

"Yes, he has." Syed answered for him.

Yusef nodded. "You're exhausted, but you're not sleeping well. Insomnia can be like that, you find yourself unable to get your head around simple things that would normally come easily to you. Like yesterday, when you struggled to make cups of tea for us."

"I didn't realise..."

"There have been a few things," Syed said, and turned to Christian to clarify, "Zoning out when we talk, and forgetting what we've agreed on..."

Christian looked bashful as he spoke up too, "It did take me about four attempts to do up the buttons on my shirt properly this morning."

"Apart from the fact that you look haggard from lack of sleep, your memory loss presented itself as another obvious symptom to me. If you'd like I could prescribe a low dosage sleeping pill that should help you get some rest. Normally I wouldn't like to, as a natural cure is often the best remedy, but I'd hope that after a few nights with them everything may return to normal for you."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks."

"Now, let's double check that graft and Syed can pop out and pick up your prescription for you."


	24. Chapter 24

_Christian couldn't speak as he saw the fire swallow Syed whole. Flames erupting from Syed's body, he watched as the clothing withered from him, his skin mottling, disappearing, exposing everything underneath, but the fire kept going, kept taking Syed from him. He tried to reach him but the invisible wall was constant, he couldn't break through to get to him no matter how hard he pushed against it._

_Syed's eyes pleaded with him to make it stop, to make it go away, and he tried desperately but as he watched, those eyes turned lifeless, cold and disappeared; consumed along with everything else that made Syed the wonderful man that he is. Was._

_Somewhere in the back of Christian's mind he screamed out to wake up from the nightmare in front of him but he didn't. Couldn't. It felt so real. He stared down at where Syed's body had collapsed, the fire still raging._

_The wall disappeared; he was able to go to him even though it was too late and he fell to his knees in front of Syed and reached out, needing to touch him. He grasped either side of what remained of Syed's face and the fire transferred itself over to him, leaving Syed on the ground, blackened. Ash._

_He looked down at his hands. The fire consumed his skin and he did nothing to stop it._

_If Syed was dead then how could he...? He didn't want to..._

_He watched his hands burn but no pain came. The fire blistered his skin, it turned red, it boiled and burst with the flames and turned black and yet it never hurt._

_And it never continued past his wrists. He was on fire, he wanted it to consume him but it refused to._

_He heard his name. Someone said his name over and over with a menacing tone. As he turned his head he saw nothing, but when he looked down again, Syed was gone and instead Alec knelt in front of him. He reached out. As soon as Alec's hands touched his, the fire was gone. It was out._

_Alec wouldn't let him be with Syed. He wouldn't let him be. Alec took his choices from him. Alec had scarred him._

*

"Christian... Christian, wake up."

Christian breathed sharply as he woke up, his arms flailing around him, pushing the person holding him away with all of his might.

"Christian, stop! It's me!" Syed grabbed hold of him again, around his shoulders, trying to hug him close to reassure him, but Christian's mind took precious seconds to realise this and let go of the nightmare.

Once he did he began sobbing. He could barely shed any tears but he sobbed as he leaned back into Syed's embrace.

Syed rocked Christian's body back and forth, doing his best to be soothing as Christian's sobs wracked his body. The sound he made tore at Syed's heart. The pain seemed to come through in a hollow, plaintive, throaty whimper that sounded like someone in mourning. He just held on as best he could as Christian came back down from what he'd seen in his sleep.

"Christian, I'm so sorry..." he whispered, unsure what to do or say, knowing right now that all he could do was hold on.

It took a while for Christian to settle, clutching himself to Syed's chest. He'd taken one of the sleeping pills Yusef had prescribed before going to bed, but now Syed was worried that they were the reason that tonight had been worse. The nightmare had held on to Christian for longer, putting him through more torture.

Syed pulled Christian back from him and lifted his chin. "Let me in, sweetheart. Talk to me about it. If I know what it is I can help you. Please."

Christian pleaded with his eyes not to have to relive them for Syed's sake but the younger man had had enough of this. Even if it would upset him to hear what Christian had to say, it was nothing compared to what Christian was seeing first hand. He had to know what was causing the distress.

"I keep seeing people dying. You dying. Right in front of me."

"But not just me?"

"At first it was Alec. I kept..." Christian hesitated, but only after did Syed realise why. "I kept seeing him dying. Again. Like I did..."

Syed's eyes widened. He knew Christian had been close, but assumed that as he had been knocked over in the fire, he had been unaware of the nature of Alec's death. "Like you saw...?"

Christian nodded.

"You saw him dying?"

"He said it was my fault." Christian's face screwed up like he was going to cry again but he held it back. "He said it was because of me that he did it."

"Did what?"

"He set himself on fire."

"I didn't realise..." Syed began. He didn't realise at all that Alec had meant it to happen. His death had been listed as accidental, not suicidal, but if Christian was right then he'd done it on purpose and truly was the madman they thought him to be. But how this was affecting Christian was his priority. How that man could have such a lingering impact on Christian - blaming him for his own death. It was weighing heavily on Christian, Syed could see that now. The gentle, sensitive man he was so in love with had never lifted a hand to anyone and here he was, thinking it was his fault someone had died...

"He filled the room with gas..." Christian carried on, Syed nodded, knowing about the gas as the reason for the explosion. "He lit a match and the flames just took hold of him and I fell..." he indicated his back, and his scarring as a reminder, "and then the doors... I could see through and I saw as he... his body... and his screaming..." Christian raised a hand to his head as if reliving the screams once more.

Syed grabbed hold of the hand and pulled it down between them, gripping tightly to him. "Christian, you have to believe me, none of it is your fault. Alec wasn't stable, you did nothing wrong. He wanted a parting blow, he wanted to hurt you, but we're not going to let him."

Christian nodded, taking in Syed's words, but whether he believed them or not was another story. Even if he took them in and fully understood, there was always that irrational part in the back of the mind that gave into the worries and 'what if's.

They were quiet for some time, just holding each other as they lay in the dark. Syed's mind whirred as he tried to put to rest what Christian had told him and tried not to imagine it for himself as it played out like a horror movie in his mind. "I'm so sorry," he croaked. Christian nodded against him and they lay together.

*

Oh no.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep. How had that happened?

Syed woke to find Christian gone from his arms.

He was supposed to be there for him! After everything they'd discussed in the middle of the night, how had he fallen asleep? It was only after a weird dream of his own (that bordered on a nightmare, but nowhere near the level of Christian's) that he'd woken to find the bed cold beside him.

He sat up and took in the time on the clock, which was reading just after 5am. The light was only just beginning to come in from outside but the flat had a glow to it that made seeing the clock easier. He looked over to the sofa where Christian was sitting, curled up with his knees close to his chest under a blanket, watching television.

He got up and moved over to him, seeing Christian concentrating on the screen while absently stroking the stubble lines on his neck.

"Christian?" he asked quietly, not wanting to break the silence too much. "Christian?" he said again, and finally Christian looked up at him, but with a rather blank expression.

Syed frowned. "What are you doing?"

"Watching TV... but I didn't want to wake you."

Syed looked at the screen again, the BBC test card indicating that programmes began at 7am. "Christian, there's nothing on."

"What?" He looked back at the screen before back at Syed. "Oh..."

Syed slid onto the sofa next to Christian, who lowered his legs to make way for him, and he cuddled Christian close to him again. Whatever was going on, he was worried it was getting worse, not better.


	25. Chapter 25

"I didn't know who to call; I just called everyone," Syed said as he closed the door behind Jane, who joined Zainab and Roxy at the table in the flat.

"This sounds serious," Jane said as she sat down.

Syed joined them after briefly looking to the bathroom. "Christian's in the bath, I didn't want him knowing I called you but I don't know what to do." Zainab reached out and took Syed's hand gently.

"Is he worse?" she asked.

"Worse?" Roxy put in. She had been further out of the loop than others but as Christian's friend, Syed thought she might be able to help him put things behind him.

"Christian's been plagued by nightmares since the fire. He can barely sleep, he doesn't have much appetite and last night... he took a sleeping pill the doctor gave him to try but it made things worse. He still had the nightmares but this time he had trouble waking up. I finally got him to tell me about them and I just... after what he told me... I'm struggling to get through to him."

"What happened to him?" Jane asked, keeping calmer than Syed expected of her.

"Christian witnessed Alec dying. He set himself on fire after blaming Christian for making him do it and Christian saw. Everything. I think it's seared in his mind and now he can't let go of it. It's tearing him up inside and no matter what I say..."

"Why didn't he tell us?" Roxy asked, though no one had an answer, not really.

"He's always been like this. He'll take on other people's problems, he'll stand back and take the harsh words and the blame. He acts like it rolls right back off him but it doesn't," Jane put in. She leaned her head on her hand and shook it in disbelief. "I can't believe he saw all that and didn't say anything."

"He's distracted, forgetful, even distant at times. He's not moving on... I don't know... maybe he's got depression?" Syed asked.

"I don't think so," Zainab answered, a reassuring smile on her face. "I think he needs help to deal with what happened but it's not long term."

"Mum, you know more about what he's been through than anyone else. Can't you think of something to do to help him?"

"It's not as easy as that. Everyone is different in how they deal with stressful situations. I was able to rationalise everything in my head, and tell myself that in my religion, that what happened to me was for a reason and that I had other things, other people. But it still took time and it will for him too."

"I love him so much, I just want the old Christian back." Syed dropped his head as hands reached out to his. They heard the shower turn on in the background and Roxy turned to the sound. "I thought you said he was having a bath."

"He is. Maybe he needed more hot water..." Syed said but he barely believed himself. He got up and went to knock on the bathroom door. "Christian? Is everything alright? You've been in there a while now..."

He got no answer and looked back at the table where the women were all sitting, watching expectantly. He knocked again. "Christian, answer me."

He looked back at the others again and then put a hand up to stop them as Jane stood as if to make her way over. "Christian, I'm coming in."

It was a good job he'd made Christian leave the door unlocked and when he made his way in, there was more steam in the room than he expected. Christian was sat in the small bathtub with the shower-head in his hand, letting the water stream down over his other hand as he watched. The water continued to fill the rest of the tub slowly as Christian stared blankly at his hand. As the steam cleared slightly, Syed could see Christian's hand was red and the tub was dangerously full. He rushed over, turned the water off before it could overflow and grabbed the shower-head out of Christian's hand, putting it back in its place.

"Christian!" He said, hoping to jar him out of his distant state. "Christian, come on!"

Jane appeared at the doorway. "Oh my god, Christian!" The sound of other hurried footsteps behind her came, followed by worried intakes of breath.

Syed turned to them. "I'll take care of this, give me a minute." He looked back at Christian, who was blinking and flexing his hand, which was now tinged red with the heat from the boiling hot water. Syed had noticed the temperature was turned to its highest level as he'd turned it off. "Christian, your hand." He grabbed the face cloth from the basin and ran it under the cold tap before wrapping it around Christian's hand. He pulled the plug to let the water drain and surrounded by the sound of it gargling down the drain he reached out over the lip of the bathtub and pulled Christian to him.

"What are you doing?" he asked, almost despairing at Christian's actions, feeling like Christian was trying to hurt himself.

"I just needed to make sure I could feel it."

"What?"

"It hurt. I fell asleep. In the dream... it didn't hurt and Alec won... I just needed to know I was awake... and you weren't here... you're usually here..."

"Oh god, Christian." He kissed the top of Christian's head and as he hugged him he noticed Jane had come closer into the bathroom, her hand covering her mouth in shock at Christian's state, guilt for not realising how bad things with her brother were, and grief for what he was going through. Both Christian and Syed. "Jane, can you help me with a towel."

"Of course." She grabbed a big fluffy towel from the side and helped Syed wrap it around Christian as the water all but disappeared from the tub and together they raised Christian from the bath as he tried to protect his sensitive hand. It wasn't badly burned, certainly not compared to what had happened before, but the skin would be sensitive for a short while and could probably use some cream on it.

"Jane, what are you doing here?" Christian asked and Syed could sense his embarrassment at having his sister babying him as they both helped him put some clothes on.

"I came to see how you were doing." She tried to smile but it looked entirely fake around her worry.

"Oh," Christian answered. "Yusef says the graft is taking really well. Syed is taking good care of me."

"I can see that," Jane said. "Oh Christian," she gave in, unable to keep up the act of ignoring what was going on around them. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't coping?"

She hugged him and after a few moments Christian put his arms round her and hugged her back.

Together they took Christian out to the living area but as soon as he saw Roxy there, smiling, trying to pretend everything would be okay, and Zainab making cups of tea for everyone, his eyes widened and he turned and bolted into the spare room in fear, closing the door behind him. Before Syed could open it, Christian had blocked it with his own body, and Syed heard him sliding down against the door.


	26. Chapter 26

"I don't get it," Roxy said as she leaned on the table. "Why didn't Syed say something? I'd have been round here in an instant."

"Maybe you should have been round anyway," Zainab answered from where she sat on the opposite side.

"You're right." Roxy nodded. "God, I'm a terrible mate. I should have been here for him when he got out. I should have gone to see him more in the hospital. I didn't even realise..."

"Well, now you do. Being in a fire like that... it doesn't just scar you on the outside." Zainab wrung her hands.

"What are you doing here though?" Roxy asked. "You don't even like him."

"I'm here for Syed."

As Christian appeared in the doorway with Syed and Jane, Roxy turned to them and gave what she thought was her best and most reassuring smile. But Christian took one look at her and Zainab and turned tail, like he couldn't get away fast enough, and the next she heard was a door slamming shut behind him and Syed saying his name.

Roxy turned back to Zainab. "Syed should have asked for help sooner."

"He did. He asked me."

*

"Christian, open the door, it's just me."

He could hear Christian on the other side, he knew he could. He could envisage him sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up close. Syed crouched down and, after a quick glance to Jane, who stood to the side of him, he turned back to the door and spoke more gently.

"Come on, sweetheart, let me in and we can talk about this. I need to know you're okay in there." Syed tapped his fingers lightly against the door, willing Christian to move, to open it up. A moment later it creaked open slightly.

"Just you."

Syed nodded to Jane and then slipped in the door, closing it behind him. Christian had moved to the other side of the room and stood there, his head down and his hands clasped in front of himself, his whole frame shaking slightly. Seeing this, Syed was over to him in a flash, taking his hands between his own to calm them and pulling Christian close. The touch seemed to be what Christian needed and after some deep breaths he was able to feel normal again.

"What's going on, Christian?"

"What are they doing here? Why didn't you tell me you'd brought round half the Square?"

"'Half the Square'? There are three other people besides me; that's not a lot."

"I'm sick of it, Sy. People coming around here telling me what to do, telling me I'll be fine if I do this, or do that... I just want them to leave me alone, leave US alone, why are they here?" Christian's eyes begged Syed for a good answer.

"I..." He felt he didn't have one though, not that would assuage whatever Christian was thinking, which seemed difficult to interpret. Was he scared of having people around? "What... they just want to help."

"They're not helping. None of them are helping. The Doctors fixed me up but even they couldn't help so what makes Roxy think that turning up now is going to help? Huh? A quick trip to the Vic and everything will be alright again?"

Syed put a hand on Christian's shoulder, trying to stop him getting worked up. "I don't think she feels quite like that."

"Or Jane with her helpful advice before about going outside, like being paraded around Walford is going to make me feel better. Or Yusef and his sleeping pills, which are making the nightmares worse in the end... or Zainab. Zainab... is she here to gloat? Watching me fall apart in front of her; I bet she's loving this..."

"Christian, stop!" Syed grabbed Christian's face in his hands. "It's not like that. You might think it is but it's not. They want to help, they know there's no overnight fix."

"There's nothing they can do to help. I just want them to leave us alone, yeah? The two of us against the world, just like always, and we'll get it sorted."

"You and me," Syed smiled. He wanted Christian to understand just how much he was standing by him but there were other things to consider. "It'll always be you and me, Christian."

As Christian smiled at Syed in return, he became serious. "I noticed something, though. It was something Jane said before about us hiding away. We can't keep doing that. I love being with you while the world goes by but we can't just always be 'us on our own'. We need to let some outside help in."

Christian's smile disappeared from his lips as he digested Syed's words. "But the last person we let in is the one who did this to us."

"And he was one man. We've got our families and friends. There are more of them than him."

"Yeah, I know, but..."

"I know, too." Syed leaned up and kissed Christian gently. "I think your sister wants to hug you. You can manage that, yeah?"

"Give me a minute, I just need to make myself decent." Christian wiped his sleeve over his eyes and nose and took a breath.

"I'll be right outside." Syed smiled as he opened the door back out to the flat and, closing it behind him, he gave Jane a reassuring nod. "We're getting there."

Syed wandered back into the main area with Jane and looked to Roxy and his mum. "He's getting there, he just needs a minute or two."

*

It had been more than a minute. More than two, even, as they all sat there waiting for Christian to come out of the spare room. Syed turned to the others and voiced what he'd been wondering all along. "Do you think it's like before, when he got beaten up and locked himself away in here? Maybe it's a relapse."

"Well, he doesn't seem keen on going outside. When I suggested it before he looked for an excuse pretty quick," Jane reasoned.

"Yeah but last time it lasted what? Two weeks? He was signed off work. He didn't need to go anywhere except for shopping and we did that for him," Roxy put in.

"You didn't see him when I forced him to go outside though. In his eyes, I could see he was terrified."

"You forced him?" Zainab asked, curious.

"I... bribed him."

"I don't remember you saying much about... oh." Zainab quickly realised the time frames involved and let the subject lie.

"My point is, it's happened before; is it that much of a shock that he's like this again? I just don't know how to make him snap out of it this time. Before... once he knew the thug was behind bars, I got him outside by giving him... something he wanted..." he glanced briefly at Zainab. "This time... I don't know how to approach it."

"Maybe this is where professional help comes in," Jane suggested. "Maybe he needs a counselor."

Syed tapped his fingers on the table then grabbed his phone from his pocket. "I'm calling Yusef."

Zainab stood from the table as Syed searched for the number on the phone. "You know what, I've had enough of pussy footing around. I'm going in there." She pushed back from the table.

"Mum!" Syed reached out to stop her but she was just out of reach. "Uh... hello, yes it's Syed..."

Zainab didn't even knock. She just pushed the door open and strode right in and as the door closed again behind her she stood, surprised, as she took in the sight of Christian standing at the window.


	27. Chapter 27

Christian was wiping his eyes, again, when the door was pushed open. His eyes widened in shock. At first he'd thought it was Syed coming back in but he jumped at the sight of Zainab striding in, a look of determination on her face. Something in him made him recoil and his back hit the wall beside the window, his arms coming up in front of him in protection.

When she saw him, her face instantly softened, though she seemed surprised by her own reaction to him. She stood, silent, and looked around herself uncomfortably.

"Everyone is getting worried. Syed is worried. You've been in here a long time."

"And you thought barging in here would solve something." Christian felt confrontational, but his heckles were always raised when talking to Zainab, and it went back to long before it had been revealed that he and Syed were sleeping together. There were times that Zainab offended him, their world views were so different, and he was always prepared for an argument when it came to her.

"I think it's maybe time someone knocked some sense into you."

"Let me guess, you're just the person for the job." Christian sat on the lone chair in the room, laundry hanging on the clothes horse beside him. He batted a shirt out of the way as it got caught behind his shoulder.

"Syed won't do it; he's too busy trying to be nice to you, pandering to you to take care of you. Jane and Roxy are feeling guilty for not helping you sooner. I don't have those problems, so yes, maybe I am the person to tell you some home truths."

"Please, just leave me alone." Christian heard the pleading tone in his own voice and he had vague hopes she would leave but even as he asked, he knew she wouldn't. He just knew that when he'd seen those people in his flat, he'd felt constricted and needed to get away from them. The thought of facing several people was something he was struggling to reconcile in his head. One on one and he could cope, if only marginally. He was tired of thinking and worrying about what people thought. And he was tired of remembering Alec and what he'd done to him.

He knew himself that things weren't right. He knew that this lack of sleep had affected him. He wasn't stupid, he could see it for himself, and he was well aware of how he felt. And how he felt was rotten. And scared.

"You're like this now because you've been left alone. You need to be around people again."

"I live with another person. I'm around him all the time."

"And only him."

"He's enough."

"No, he's not. You need to be outside. You need to see your family and friends... the important people in your life. You can't hide away in here. What is it? Are you ashamed of how you look with the scarring? Because I was never lucky enough to have a skin graft... they didn't do those things when I got hurt, so if it's that then you need to get over yourself."

"It's not pleasant, having this... but it's not that. I can hide it for the most part anyway."

Zainab took steps over to Christian, ignoring his body language, which told her that having her close to him wasn't particularly welcome. "Then what is it, huh? Tell me, because right now all I see is a big baby, too scared of his own shadow to live his life. Hiding away in here, it's pathetic."

Christian's eyes hardened at the taunt. He was well aware that she was doing it on purpose to get a reaction out of him, yet as deliberate as it was he knew she was enjoying throwing insults at him in the name of tough love. He shook his head roughly and shot back at her, "Yes, I'm scared! Happy now? Scared of the fact that there are always people out there who want to hurt me! It keeps happening, and I don't understand why they want to when I'm just living my life. And it's not always physical... I count you in that category, you know. And Masood. Hating me for my relationship with your son when I can't wrap my head around why, when all we've done is fallen in love. I've never understood how difficult that is to understand.

"And everything with Alec. You should have seen him at the end. I thought he was a friend and yet in that moment all I saw was how much he wanted to punish me. All because in his sick, twisted head he couldn't understand my love for Syed.

"Why can't people see that we love each other?"

Zainab came right up to Christian and knelt in front of him. For the first time, in a long time, possibly the first time ever, she reached out to him and wrapped her hand around his wrist. "You know why I think it's wrong. But... I _don't_... hate you. Not for that. Not anymore."

Christian sniffed. "Syed said before... hate the sin, but not the sinner."

"There is that."

"I don't know what to do, Zainab."

"Well, either you stay in here, hiding from everyone and everything... or you face up to things. I know it seems difficult but you'll make yourself worse if you don't try and tackle it all now. Syed wants to protect you; he's not going to push you, not this time. But if it comes to it, I'll open that front door and shove you out of it myself."

Christian actually laughed at that, but she was being serious through her own smile. "Thank you. I think," Christian replied.

There was a tap at the door and Syed's head popped round it. "Can I come in?" His eyes widened in surprise when he saw his mother comforting Christian as she was, still on the floor in front of him, both of them leaning into each other though their only contact was Zainab's hand still on Christian's wrist. For the first time ever, Syed looked at his mother and his lover together and saw an understanding between them.

Syed ran his hands over his jeans as he came in, not quite sure what to do, but Christian stood to meet him and enveloped him in a hug as he came over.

"Come and have a chat with everyone," Syed said as they broke apart, "They just want to see you, that's all."

"Okay, let's go," Christian nodded and, arm in arm, they made their way back out to the sofa.


	28. Chapter 28

Christian was well aware that his friends were being cautious around him. He understood why, of course. He'd been reluctant to see them so now they were being wary. Both Roxy and Jane had waited until leaving to hug him quickly goodbye but for the rest of their visit they'd let him sit holding hands with Syed and left it at that.

They'd taken their leave after about an hour, when the doorbell had buzzed and Yusef had arrived. Syed had to admit to Christian that he'd called him for an appointment after the incident with the bath.

When Yusef arrived he wasn't alone as he walked in the door. He had someone with him. She was a shorter woman with a little extra weight, which was well hidden behind a floaty shirt, and she wore glasses. She was carrying a folder and remained a step behind Yusef as he stood, one hand in his pocket, and said hello to Syed, who had greeted him amongst the throng of the others leaving. Christian remained on the sofa, his body twisted to see behind him as everyone moved about and he kept out of the way.

Yusef made his way over first and gestured to ask if he could sit. At Christian's nod, he took a seat next to him. "Syed called me earlier, he was concerned about you."

"Yeah, he uh... he just told me."

"What he described to me during our brief conversation sounded much like a panic attack or flashback. It sounds like you are having difficulty coping mentally with everything. I thought it best to bring in a friend of mine. Her name's Annabel. She's got far more experience dealing with this type of situation."

"You mean someone mental."

"Not in a derogatory way, Christian. But maybe talking to her will help you more than I can. There might be things you don't want to say to me."

"I'm not so sure," Christian said. This Annabel was a stranger. Regardless of her profession or friendship with anyone he knew, the fact remained that she was a stranger and one who was being asked to judge Christian in some way. He really wasn't happy about that and he could feel his own heartbeat quickening at the thought.

"Just spend a little bit of time with her. Maybe she'll prove helpful. But first, maybe you'd like to tell me a little more about how things are manifesting."

Christian took a moment and rubbed his hands together, which were clammy with sweat. He wanted to say whatever he was going to in the most succinct and pertinent way. "I thought the sleeping pills would work. When I was in hospital and they knocked me out, those drugs worked. But the ones you gave me, I think they made it worse."

"Made what worse?"

"Nightmares. I've been having nightmares. And last night I couldn't wake up so easily."

"Recurring?"

"Every night. Without fail. And Syed has to put up with me waking at all hours in a panic."

"They affect you physically? Increased heart rate... breaking out in a sweat...? Like you're having a panic attack?"

Christian nodded. "About two years ago I was attacked, in here actually... and for a while afterwards I couldn't bring myself to face the world properly and then it got worse. I felt myself panic when I went outside. I think that's coming back again now too. And all on top of the fact that these nightmares mean that I'm just not sleeping."

"It's not uncommon for you to relapse into past behaviour when a problem like this arises again. I'm sure that, like last time, you'll be able to beat it back with some help. In the meantime, you shouldn't use the sleeping pills as it's not the simple case of insomnia that I'd originally suspected. Why don't you have a word with Annabel about it? If you'd like I can remain with you for a while, Syed too, if it would help."

"Yeah, maybe."

Yusef turned to where Syed and Annabel were talking quietly and a smile and nod were enough to let Annabel know they were ready for her. Syed came over too and sat on the arm of the sofa next to the end Christian was on, putting an arm over his shoulder, while Annabel sat between Yusef and Christian.

"No one likes to speak to people like me, Mr Clarke. But hopefully I'll be able to help in some way." She smiled at him.

"I'm not sure about the whole 'opening up' to a stranger thing," he said, with a quick glance back to Syed for support.

"Well, I'm not going to ask you to suddenly launch into all the reasons why Dr Khan called me. This is just a quick chance for us to meet and then maybe set up a proper appointment with me for later on. How about you just tell me something about yourself that I don't already know?"

"Uhm... okay... like what? Vital statistics? I'm 38, I'm gay, I'm a personal trainer..."

"All of that I know already, by looking at you and talking to Syed a little earlier on. Maybe just tell me something that I can't look up about you, or tell by looking at you."

Christian thought hard about it. One thing to say, well, the difficulty could be coming up with just one and choosing which to say, or, as his mind blanked, what would he WANT to say to a complete stranger? It wasn't something he'd ever struggled with over his promiscuous past. But what could you not tell by looking at him? What was in the front of his head right now that wasn't to do with the fire and its effects on him?

"I know it's not as easy as it would seem, but I'm sure there's something swimming about in your head that you can think of," she prompted him again.

"I've never hit anyone. Ever, in my whole life," he said suddenly. "But I've taken a few beatings in my time."

Syed's arm on his shoulder tightened in support and he felt Syed's hand rubbing against his upper arm.

Annabel nodded. "That's good. That tells me a lot about you and in just one sentence. And you may not even know it but it's probably very significant not just to your life, but how you handle the very situation you find yourself in right now."

"She's good," Yusef said from behind her, leaning forward to see Christian from around her. "I know she can help you, Christian."

"Okay, I'll bite. How much can it tell you about me?"

"You don't want to resort to violence; it's not the kind of person you are. You don't lash out but will try to protect yourself. I know you were involved in a fire recently, that you were hurt trying to help people... adding those things together then I know that you will put things in your life aside and try to help others when you can. You also said you'd taken beatings in your time... I can see from you that you've got strength and muscle, yet the fact that you don't use them for any violent conduct makes me think that the reason you wanted to be strong in the first place was because you're scared that people will try to hurt you again and you just want to defend yourself and those you love from attack..."

"Okay, I think I get it."

"What I'm trying to get at, Christian, is that you can talk to me about things and I can be a sounding board for you, but I can also ask you questions that might make you see things differently. Or see things in your own behaviour that you're maybe even unaware of. If we can talk, you and I, about what's bothering you. If you can let out things to me, even in a stream of consciousness, you'll be surprised at what we can dig up. And maybe, once you're aware of these things, then we can help you accept them and then you'll get some proper sleep again."

"Did you tell her...?" Christian turned to Syed, wondering if he'd spoken to her about the nightmares.

"No, I didn't say a thing, she didn't want me to."

"You look terrible, Christian." She smiled kindly. "Anyone can see you're not sleeping well. How are you for setting up something with me then? I can talk to Dr Khan about anything else if you'd like."

"No, that's fine. But I'm not sure about... I mean, do you come here to see me?"

"I prefer to meet in my office but if that's an issue I'm sure we can work something out. In the meantime, my advice to you is to concentrate your energy on something positive. You're getting married. Maybe take some time to work on the wedding plans..."

"I thought weddings were supposed to be stressful," Syed put in.

"Maybe that's why we should start on the plans now, before we put it all off to the week before," Christian answered him.


	29. Chapter 29

Christian had had a good night. Well... it had been a better night. He'd stayed asleep for longer before any nightmares had taken hold, but inevitably they had and he'd woken in the early morning light. He'd done his best not to wake Syed but it had happened anyway and Syed had made him talk about it, hoping that by getting it all out there that they'd be able to deal with it.

That night, Christian had likened his nightmare to a scene out of _Psycho_. He blamed his subconscious for the images after watching the news that evening and seeing a piece on the rise in knife crime in the country and, somehow, he had knives on the brain after that.

When Syed got up in the morning, he was already running late. He needed to go down to the Gym and check everything was okay. They'd 'deputised' while Christian was signed off and with the restaurant now simply a burned-out shell it meant that Syed had stepped in to help run the gym instead. It was handy that when Alec had been believed dead and the two businesses had been given to them, they'd changed the documentation so that both had equal shares in both ventures. So although Sylvia had been overseeing the admin at the gym, and Paul had taken on some extra responsibilities with the trainers and equipment, it meant Syed could still go in and act managerially... if only to sign the pay checks.

They'd showered together that morning. As nice as it sounded, there hadn't been anything untoward involved. Syed had been worried of a repeat incident like what had happened in the bathtub before so had insisted on helping Christian out. Everything had been above board... well, for the most part. They'd kissed, certainly, and enjoyed being in there together, but since they hadn't actually had sex since before the fire they were both beginning to feel some unnecessary pressure regarding when they would again.

Christian was sorting their laundry in the other room while Syed took care of breakfast. As they both got organised there was a knock on the door. Being that no one had buzzed, Syed assumed it was someone they knew well enough to get that far, which would mean Jane or Ian, as they had the landlord keys. He looked down at himself, wearing only a towel, and figured he didn't care about answering the door like this with his hair still wet. If it was Jane then so be it, and if it was Ian, well, his squirming would be reasonably amusing.

He opened the door with a smile and then immediately frowned at the sight of an older woman standing there, shorter than him, with shoulder length dark blonde hair.

Ignoring his stunned silence, she spoke first. "You must be Syed, then." She looked him over and nodded. "I approve."

Barging into the flat, pushing passed a shell-shocked Syed, she put her handbag on the table as if she knew the flat well. "Can I help you?" he finally asked, confused.

She turned to him with a smile on her face and sighed. "Maybe you should just hug your soon-to-be mother-in-law." She held her arms out and realisation dawned on Syed as to who this person in his living room was, although he still didn't feel comfortable hugging this woman.

"Linda!"

"We've talked on the phone enough," she said.

"I've seen pictures too, I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting... shouldn't you be in Florida? We didn't know you were coming over."

"Jane called last week after everything that happened and I just had to come over and see my son. Where is he?"

"He's in the other room at the moment. Christian!" he called out.

Christian came through, wearing his jeans but no shirt, "Yeah, what is it?... Mum!" He smiled the genuine kind of smile that Syed hadn't seen on him for a while as he gathered his mum into a hug.

"I'm just going to go get some clothes on..." Syed moved past them.

"No need to bother on my account." She appraised him as he walked past, making him blush as he escaped into the other room. "Those pictures you sent over don't do that man justice," she commented low to Christian. "You've lucked out with him."

"I know I have. But what are you doing here?" They both took a seat at the table and Linda reached out a hand to her son's.

"You know why. I needed to come see you were okay. Your sister has been keeping me up to date on everything. Would it have killed you to pick up the phone and ring me yourself?"

"I'm sorry, I just... I guess I've been a bit wrapped up in myself to think about other things." Linda squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"I just about had a heart attack when Jane told me everything. The things you get involved in, I swear I'll be headed to an early grave..."

"It's not like I go looking for trouble, mum."

"Yes, but you seem to attract it enough."

"Not always!"

"How you landed a boy as lovely as Syed, there, I'll never know. I hope he's been good to you through all this."

"He's been my rock," Christian assured her.

"Turn around, then. Let's have a look at this skin graft, make sure the doctors did a good job with my boy."

"Of course they did, mum." Christian rolled his eyes as his mum stood and came round to get a better look.

"Does it hurt?" She asked sympathetically, once she had seen it.

"I don't really feel it at all. I think it has something to do with nerve endings being different with the new skin. I never followed the explanation much at the time; I relied on Sy to take all the information in. He knows what he's doing to help it take... or whatever. So where are you staying while you're here?"

"I got in last night, I'm with Jane at the moment, seems they have some extra room with the twins being with their Gran."

"When are you going back?"

"To Florida? I don't know yet... if it works out I'll just stay here until your wedding. Your father might not be able to join us though, had a few problems with his heart again; he can't fly at the moment and insurance is through the roof."

"Any old excuse."

"Not this time, love. He really isn't able to come at the moment. I take it you've set a date?"

"Not yet," Syed answered as he made his way back through and into the kitchen. "Would you like some tea?"

"Yes that would be lovely, dear." She looked up to Syed, now in jeans and a t-shirt, and then back to Christian. "What's keeping you then? I was never a fan of long engagements. If you're going to get married then get on and do it."

"It takes planning, mum... not just the wedding but a reception, and we don't even know how we want to do it all yet anyway."

"Then sit down and discuss it!"

"We will," Christian insisted. "In fact, we were just talking about it last night."

"Talking about talking about it? Oh for heaven's sake just get on with it properly. If you don't, I'll just go ahead and do it for you. I want to see you married and settled before I'm gone... in more ways than one."

"Well, if ever we were given incentive to sort ourselves out..." Christian began, and got a whack on his arm from his mother for his cheek.


	30. Chapter 30

Christian sat with his mum on the sofa. Daytime TV was on in the background, but he couldn't pay too much attention as his mum was wittering on about Jane and Ian most of the time and how she felt for 'poor little Bobby' trapped in the middle, and how she wondered if the writing was on the wall with their marriage. Christian had 'uh-huh'ed his way through the conversation and it couldn't have been too difficult to miss his disinterest.

Not that he didn't care about his sister and her happiness. But he was sick to the back teeth of Ian and had told her many times over the last 6 months or so. Frankly, he was past caring and was just waiting to lend his support once Jane finally decided to get a divorce.

"Christian, honestly, I don't think your face could get any longer."

"Uh-huh."

"There you go again. Don't think I don't know that you're sitting there practically ignoring me."

Christian lowered his arm from the back of the sofa. "I'm not. Sorry."

"You know, it's a nice day, maybe you should go out. When did Syed say he'd back?"

"He didn't. He's gone into the gym; depending on what they need, he could be a while."

"You must be looking forward to getting back there yourself. Get working again."

"I suppose. Mum, please. You are actually getting a bit annoying now."

"Good. I'm your mother. I'm supposed to annoy you."

"Thanks."

Linda got up and milled about a bit, stretching her legs and then looked out the window at the sunny weather outside. "Jane said you've barely been out the flat since you got out of hospital."

"That's not true."

"Really?" Linda asked, perking up a bit. "So your sister is lying to me?"

"Not lying, just wrong. I haven't been out at all since getting home." Christian kept his eyes focused on the TV even though he wasn't watching it properly anymore.

"Christian, love... you need to go outside. Go to the shop and buy some milk! You need to do something; it's not good for you to be cooped up in here."

"I'm fine where I am, thank you." He finally turned and glared at her. "I just haven't gone outside because I haven't needed to."

"Because you've got other people running around after you, that's why. Don't you think it's time you took control of your life again?"

"I'm perfectly in control! And you've only been visiting for one day; you think you know better than the Doctors... or Syed?" He turned back to the TV and crossed his arms, fully aware of the petulance of his gesture. He felt like he was fifteen again, talking back to his mother.

"Here's what I do know... I know that the man I'm looking at right now is a shadow of his former self. This isn't you, Christian. You're letting some sort of fear overtake you and you're getting away with it because your boyfriend and your sister pander to you. If it takes your mother to give you some tough love, then so be it. You've been through some bad spots in your life but I've never seen you let them get to you like this one has."

"Really?" He got to his feet, creating what felt like a stand-off between the two of them. "Because for a good twenty years you had nothing to do with me, so don't lecture me about what I've been through."

They stood, glaring at each other. Christian was reminded of the days in his youth and the fights he'd had with her back then. He was reminded of the reasons he left and why they hadn't talked in so long. And he also thought about how it had been to have her back in his life again and that they did get on, even though they could argue for Britain. They must be too alike.

After a few quiet moments with nothing but the sound of breathing in the flat and the drone of a gardening programme in the background, Linda finally spoke. "I need to pick Bobby up from school. I promised Jane I'd take him to get a new gym kit."

Christian didn't say anything back, though she hung around a few more moments in case he did, before grabbing her bag and jacket and going out the door. Once she left, Christian returned to the sofa with a thump and began thinking about her arguments.

Logically, they had merit. He just had a knee-jerk reaction when it came to her, and when it came to people telling him what was good for him. For a few days he had been feeling like Syed was doing all the hard work while putting up with him in this state and he felt it was unfair on Syed to be constantly seen as caring for him. He wasn't an invalid. He was injured and signed off work, but none of that prevented him from going outside.

What was doing that was his own fear.

He'd been here before; he recognised the signs. Hell, he'd recognised them creeping up on him in the same way as they had last time and yet he'd done nothing about it. He could have tried to stop it. He could have forced himself outside sooner, before it became more of an issue, before he'd let his mind betray him and begin spouting all sorts about how dangerous it was out there, how people would stare, how they'd react, how he'd see pity in their eyes or judgment over Alec's death.

But none of that compared to what he thought now.

He knew it was stupid. Of course it was stupid.

Every time he went to turn the door handle he would feel his heart rate increase, feel it bursting from his chest, and he'd feel his legs go weak at the thought.

The thought that he'd run into Alec.

Alec is dead. He'd had to tell himself this so many times. Alec is dead. Over and over in his head.

But that man, the man who had made him watch him die, who'd blamed him for his death... he'd risen from the grave before. When he'd somehow faked his death he had come back and he'd become a living nightmare for them. He'd seen Alec die and yet he still had this awful feeling like he could come back again.

He'd seen him die. Surely that meant he was dead? Not even Alec could do some sort of special effect and make Christian see something like that! It was real. He'd died. If Christian concentrated he could still smell it, still see it, still be blinded by the explosion and taste the ash in his mouth.

Part of him had this strange hope that Alec wasn't dead. Because if he was alive then maybe the nightmares and the guilt would stop. If he was alive, Christian wasn't responsible. He hadn't seen, smelled and tasted Alec's death.

If that was true... if it was possible...

That's where the fear came from. It was a cycle...if Alec wasn't dead then by leaving the flat he could run into him. If he was dead, then there might be no end in sight for the nightmares. It felt like a weird Catch-22 position to be in and he liked neither of the options.

Sometimes he just didn't know what to do. So he hid inside.

He leaned forward on the sofa and held his head in his hands as he fought back the tears yet again. He had a meeting with the counselor tomorrow afternoon. A meeting he didn't want to go to. In fact, he'd prefer to be able to turn her away tomorrow. 'It's all okay, everything's fixed, no need for you anymore, I fixed myself.'

He'd only be able to tell her that if he got over this hang up about Alec.

His leg was shaking and he put a hand on it to stop it from doing so. He stood with purpose and marched over to grab his keys from the pot on the table and after pocketing them, he grabbed the door handle. His hand trembled but he forced himself to open it. He just had to keep telling himself he was being silly.

He closed the door behind him and stood at the top of the staircase. He had to make himself move but it took a while. He didn't know how long he stood there, maybe a few minutes and then, one step at a time, he forced himself down. He hovered behind the blue door. He listened to the sounds of the street outside. His mind already conjured up Alec on the other side of it, waiting for him, waiting to pounce, to grab him, take him away, hurt him. He sat on the bottom step and milled everything over in his mind as he clutched at the tassels on the front of his grey tracksuit bottoms.

He had to get over this, he had to open the door.

He took a deep breath, wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers and, with his eyes screwed shut he reached out and grabbed the handle, yanking it open before he could stop himself. After a moment, he opened his eyes.

The alley effect of being set back from the throng of the street meant that no one had taken any notice of the door opening and him standing there.

He smiled. He'd made it this far. He was facing the demons in his head that were left behind by Alec and so far he was winning. He was sure he could do this; he just had to take his time. He needed to go outside properly though. Closing the door behind him, he took steps to join the main street, still keeping his head down though as he walked... he didn't have a goal, he didn't know exactly where he might end up, but he was facing the demons and in doing so, he let his legs carry him to the best possible place to do just that.


	31. Chapter 31

He just stood there.

Unable to move, despite the shaking in his legs. Unable to make a sound, despite the unbearable silence around him.

He wasn't even sure if he was breathing. Was he holding his breath? Was it intentional? Or was he breathing and just didn't realise? But then he felt he needed to force himself to breathe... it made no sense in his head.

He turned in a circle, taking in the charred walls, floor and ceiling and the debris littering the once pristine kitchen. He just stared, but his eyes glazed over as he remembered what had happened when he'd last stood in this exact spot.

He turned his head so fast he made himself dizzy. Alec stood in front of him, a look of determination in his eyes. Whatever he had planned, he was going to follow through with it. He saw the anger and the madness in him and felt it so alien from the Alec he had met months before... the man who had seemed kind, funny... and normal.

Life had been perfect and Alec had helped it to become that. Christian had a wonderful man in his life who he was going to marry, that much was all Syed's doing... but Alec had come along and offered them a chance to become successful and comfortable in their lives... something that might help them start a family.

All that disappeared when Alec changed. No, that couldn't be right, Alec was the same person he'd always been... it was just that Christian hadn't twigged that he wasn't what he said he was. Syed knew, though. Syed had said before that he didn't fully trust Alec and yet Christian had brushed aside his concerns as jealousy. If he'd listened, if he'd been smarter, would he have noticed sooner? Would none of this have happened? The kidnapping of Kamil, the fire in the Argee Bhajee?

Maybe it _was_ all his fault.

Everything he'd done or not done had led to the point where Alec had trapped Syed in the restaurant and then decided, in a last ditch effort to get revenge on Christian, to kill himself and land the blame on Christian's shoulders.

Everything flashed through his mind too quickly; he couldn't make sense of it. He saw the flames again, he saw Alec die again. He turned his head and he could have sworn he saw the doors swinging, just as they had when he'd been flung back through them with the force of the gas explosion.

He put a hand on his head and clenched his eyes shut as it still played out in front of his eyes. It was then that he realised he really wasn't breathing properly.

The realisation made it worse. He began to worry, and then panic, because for some reason he couldn't remember how to breathe properly. He clutched his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly below and he leaned forward onto the counter top: the same one that Alec had been standing beside and leaning on when everything had happened.

He fumbled in his pocket for his phone and through eyes that were tearing up beyond his control, he searched for the right person and put the call in.

*

"Hi, Christian!" Syed grabbed his phone from the desk where he'd been finishing off some paperwork. He hoped to be home in the next half an hour or so and suspected Christian was calling to ask where he was.

"Sy..."

"Christian?" Syed worried when he heard Christian's voice. Something was off, but that seemed like an understatement. "What's wrong?"

"I need help... can't breathe..."

In an instant, Syed was out of his chair and making sure he had his keys. "Hold on, I'll be right home. Stay on the line with me."

"Not at home."

"What? Where are you?"

"Bhajee."

Syed was practically running out the door, throwing a quick apology to Sylvia as he passed, letting her know it was an emergency.

Once out the door, he squinted in the sun before taking off at a run towards the restaurant. Why on Earth Christian was there was beyond him. For a moment he was almost happily surprised to learn Christian had gone out, but upon hearing where, and then considering that him being out and being unable to breathe were probably related... the thought made his stomach fall. Christian shouldn't have gone out on his own, not after everything.

"Just take slow, deep breaths, Christian. Just try!" He was running so fast he practically ran into the wall under the bridge. He saw the front of the restaurant was still boarded up as it had been for the last few weeks. The back! He bolted around the extension and to the back door that was standing ajar, and pushed the heavy metal of it open.

As soon as he set his eyes on Christian he hung up the call between them and immediately dialed the number for the doctor's surgery that he now knew off by heart.

"Christian, just try and calm down, I'm here, it's okay." He rubbed Christian's back. "Hello? Yes, I need Doctor Khan, it's an emergency, just tell him it's Syed." He held the line and once more tried to calm Christian but he was still taking shaky, shallow breaths and his colour didn't look good. "Hello? Yes... it's Christian, please, he's having some sort of panic attack... no, we're at the Argee Bhajee, around the back by the kitchens... thanks." He hung up. Yusef was on his way and would just be a few minutes.

Syed looked around them. He pocketed his phone and used that hand to gently rub Christian's shoulder as he tried to be as soothing as possible, but there was panic in his own voice which he knew wasn't helping Christian. He wanted to get him sitting down but there was nothing to sit on in here. He shouldn't be in here anyway.

"Deep breaths, come on," Syed tried to encourage.

"I can't... everything's closing in... too dark..."

"Okay, let's get you outside into the fresh air, come on." He kept his arm around Christian but let it fall from his shoulder to his waist, and with Christian still doubled over trying to breathe, he led him outside and to a small wall at the back that he could sit on. Syed crouched in front of him and held his hands tightly. "You're going to be okay, just try and take deep breaths and slow your breathing."

Syed could hear the erratic nature of Christian's breathing. It wasn't like he was choking on the air, nor was it like he was out of breath and trying to catch it. It was all much more quiet and subdued than he'd expect from someone in a state of panic, but it was still clear that Christian was in distress and not able to control how his breathing was.

Yusef came jogging around the corner, bag in hand, and ran right up to them, coming to rest in a crouch beside Syed.

"Okay, Christian, you'll be fine," he started calmly as he took Christian's pulse. "Are you having any chest pains?"

"No." Christian shook his head, his hands still squeezing Syed's. "Don't make me go to the hospital... I'm not going there..."

Yusef reached out and took Christian's face in his hands. "Look at me. Slow, even breaths... do it with me... that's it... Syed's right here with you..."

Syed smiled as Christian's eyes darted towards him. "It's working," he nodded at him, "Keep going."

Syed watched Yusef as he continued to try and get Christian to breathe with him and concentrate on his voice. Yusef's voice had a soothing quality to it that helped lull him; something Syed couldn't do when he was beginning to get stressed himself at Christian's condition, though he made mental note to copy everything Yusef was doing right now should it be needed in the future.

After a few more controlling breaths Christian was able to calm himself down. It was more like he wasn't aware of his surroundings anymore though, and just concentrating on Syed, Yusef and breathing.

Yusef took his hands away from Christian's shoulders where they had been resting, and made a show of backing off so Christian could see for himself that he was fine now. He turned and buried his head into Syed's neck. Yusef reached out and took Christian's wrist, once more checking his pulse and timing it against his watch. Syed wrapped an arm around Christian's back and then ran his hand over his hair soothingly.

"We should get him home," Yusef said as he stood from his crouched position, shaking his legs out a bit to get the feeling back in them.

"Of course," Syed said, and he lifted Christian's head so he could see in his eyes. "Come on, we'll talk once we get there." There was an edge of warning in his voice, letting Christian know that he wanted to know what had happened and that he wasn't best pleased about it. He didn't want Christian to feel bad about it, but he wanted him to understand his concern.


	32. Chapter 32

Christian sat back on the sofa, his head resting back like his neck was incapable of holding it up anymore. He seemed deflated as Yusef stood behind him with Syed.

"There could be an underlying medical problem that would lead to this, but considering everything I highly doubt it. Anxiety attacks are reasonably common for someone recovering from something so stressful."

"So it was a panic attack?" Syed leaned his hand on the sofa, near Christian's head.

"Yes. They can be a symptom of post-traumatic stress. The fact that he had this episode where it all happened would certainly indicate that PTSD is the most likely reason for it."

Christian reached up and took Syed's hand from where it rested beside him, turning his head to look back at them both. "I'm right here, you know," he said slightly annoyed. "Just tell me if it's going to happen again."

"If you go back to the restaurant? I'd say it's likely. It's as if the Argee Bhajee is an epicentre for you. Avoid it until you are more able to deal with everything and you should be okay."

"Great," Christian huffed. "Yet another thing to add to the growing list of problems I have."

"It's to be expected after a trauma."

"Yeah, yeah," Christian just wasn't in the mood now, and was feeling sorry for himself again. Syed squeezed his hand and he returned the tight hold, his knuckles whitening with the pressure.

"Thank you," Syed said quickly, "for coming so quickly. I wasn't much help to him at first there, I was panicking myself."

"It's not a problem. I'll come back tomorrow for a proper discussion. In the meantime, I'm going to phone Annabel for you, see if she'll come to see you in the morning. She'll be a much bigger help to you."

Syed moved to show Yusef out, but then couldn't when he realised Christian still had a death grip on him. "You can see yourself out?" Syed asked, motioning to their clasped hands.

Yusef nodded, noticing again how close the two men were. He narrowed his eyes as he considered the factors this added to Christian's current state and then took his leave.

Syed moved around the sofa as the door thumped closed and sat next to Christian, who immediately moved into his arms. They sat there in silence for a decent amount of time.

"I'm sorry for worrying you," Christian finally said.

Syed was about to say it was okay and then stopped himself, deciding to be more honest. "You really did. That scared me, Christian."

Christian lifted his head. "I didn't mean to, you know that."

"I know but... what were you thinking? Going in there like that?"

"I... wasn't." Christian was mostly at a loss himself. "I was talking with mum and then she stormed off. I know you all thought I was hiding in here so I thought I'd go out... and once I was, I just started walking. When I got to the Bhajee I just wanted to see for myself that it had happened and then..."

"What?" Syed prompted.

"I don't know, I just... it felt like I was in that moment again. Like I was going back in time and I was there and Alec was there and then I just felt dizzy and everything was closing in on me... then I just... forgot how to breathe..." He shrugged, unable to properly describe it.

"Christian," Syed turned on the sofa, pulling a leg up under himself so he could face Christian head on. "You shouldn't be doing these things on your own. I know you don't want to be treated like an invalid, but what happened today is just proof that maybe you need to get help, either from your family and friends or from a stranger. It's up to you, but you need it."

"I don't want to be a burden."

"Don't you dare think of yourself like that," Syed hugged around Christian's shoulders and pulled him in to lie against him. "If the situation were reversed you'd take care of me, you know you would."

"Yeah, but-"

"No 'buts'. You come to me about anything. You and me. Just like always." He kissed the side of Christian's head. He actually loved sitting like this, holding him. Depending on pure chance, they sat or lay in each others' arms a lot watching television or a movie. It never seemed to matter how they were arranged, but there was usually one of them holding the other tightly.

"The two of us." Christian said quietly. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

*

"What on Earth are you on about?" Christian shouted at his mother.

"I'm just saying it might be a good thing that it happened! Now the Doctor knows more about what's wrong. Symptoms. Whatever. They can sort you out better now."

"Well, that's just great. Nice to know my mother thinks that my problems need to be more pronounced. Lovely."

"That's not what I mean, Christian. You're just trying to be confrontational."

Christian turned from where he was sitting on the sofa and stared at his mother, open-mouthed. "You're the one basically saying you're happy that I'm not doing well!"

"You're putting words in my mouth now." She came over and sat beside him.

"Yeah, well, you've never had much of a way with them," he huffed, as he crossed his arms.

She reached out and placed a hand on his arm. "We just want you better. The doctors can sort you out, but only once they can see more of what's going on with you at home. This panic attack you had; this might mean they'll give you some decent medication now."

"You want me drugged up?"

"Of course not. But I don't think this is something that some Lemsip and a couple of days in bed is going to fix."

"And you got your PhD where?" he said sarcastically.

Linda shrugged, "I was a nurse in a former life, I know these things."

He'd forgotten she used to say that to him and Jane whenever they were ill or hurt as children. It actually made him smile, despite his annoyance with her. "You drive me up the wall sometimes, you really do."

"That's what mothers are for."

"You should meet Zainab," he joked. "On second thoughts, maybe not. There could be some serious fireworks if that happened."

"Zainab is Syed's mother?" she asked, and Christian nodded. "Did I meet her before? The name sounds familiar." She shook her head as she placed her hands on her knees. "I know we didn't get on for years but from what you've told me, I'd like to have some serious words with her. And that husband of hers. He sounds even worse."

"Don't get involved, mum," Christian moaned, turning his head as the door opened and Syed arrived home.

She held her hands up. "I won't say anything. Unless I'm provoked. Then I can't promise anything."

Syed leaned over from behind Christian and kissed him lightly. "Now I know you're his mother." She turned confused eyes to Syed. "The minute someone winds him up, he lets rip. Drives me crazy," he elaborated. "How are you?" Syed asked, focusing on Christian.

"I'm fine. Stop fussing."

"Not going to happen." Syed wrapped his arms around Christian's shoulders and kissed the side of his head three times before backing away so he could dump the shopping bag on the table, before putting away the small amount of groceries he'd bought at the Minute Mart.

Christian pulled away from his mother and stood, wandering into the kitchen alcove where Syed was. Hoping the sound of Loose Women on the TV would distract his mother enough, he spoke quietly to his fiancé. "I'm tempted to just get married tomorrow. The sooner it's done, the sooner she'll leave."

Syed stifled a laugh, "I don't think it's that easy."

"I wish it was." Christian grabbed Syed's hand as he came back to the counter that Christian was now leaning on.

"Eloping is not the way to solve this. Besides, I'd like it if my family could actually be there. Lately I get the feeling we're on track and it might happen."

Christian relaxed with a sigh. "Oh god... that means my mum and your mum will be in a room together."

Syed grimaced, "Oh dear."

"In-laws, eh? Who'd have 'em?"

That night, Christian had one eye on the clock as they sat watching TV. He watched the minutes tick away until it came to the time that they'd be going to bed. He hated the fact that he never wanted to sleep, but his eyes were heavy and he knew he needed the sleep, even what little he'd actually get.

Syed reached out and grabbed his hand when the programme ended. He stood and pulled Christian up with him and they went ahead with their regular night time routine without needing to talk to each other. Once in their pyjamas, Christian sat on the end of the bed, while Syed pulled the covers back and climbed in.

He turned his head to watch as Syed, in just a pair of thin, striped pyjama bottoms, climbed into the bed. He looked gorgeous when he was tired and ruffled... and topless. Christian looked down at himself in his grey shorts and vest and his eyes drifted to his own shoulder. Although he was unable to see the scarring from the graft fully, he knew it was there. He swiveled and climbed under the covers too.

Before turning out the light he lay on his back and looked at the ceiling, then over to where Syed was on his side, facing him, a hand tucked under his head.

"What are you thinking?" Syed asked.

"Nothing." Christian tried to smile.

He leaned down and captured Syed's lips in a tender kiss. He pulled back, but not far. Their breath mingled and their noses touched, and Christian slowly leaned in for more. Their kissing intensified as their tongues dueled and Syed's hand grasped at the back of Christian's neck as he leaned over him.

Breathless, they pulled apart. Christian froze. Under normal circumstances this would escalate and they'd have sex, but he just wasn't sure what Syed was thinking on that front. It had been a while, not consciously but over time, since the fire, it had built up. The longer they went without, the more difficult it was to read the other man's thoughts. Maybe they should talk about it, despite the difficult and somewhat embarrassing subject matter... but tonight he was too tired.

He pulled back and, unable to meet Syed's eyes properly, he turned to switch the lamp out and then snuggled down next to Syed.

"Good night, babe," he said with a sigh.

Syed kissed the side of Christian's face in the dark and answered him, "Night."

*

A few hours later, Christian was woken by more nightmare images. Somehow he had more control over his own reactions tonight, and didn't move enough to wake Syed. But he'd once again been scared enough by what he'd seen that he knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep for a while.

Seeking the reassurance, he turned into where Syed was and wrapped his body around him. Hugging him close, he lay there, his head moving with the up and down motion of Syed's chest as he breathed.


	33. Chapter 33

Annabel shook Christian's hand when they finished up. It seemed odd to Christian that she would, but then it kept some sort of professionalism to everything. She wasn't turning into a 'friend' who would listen to him; she was a professional doing a job.

He felt drained after their talk. He'd actually opened up about his fears that the whole thing had put some sort of stain on his life. That people would look at him and see the graft, see the fire, see Alec and what he did. He worried that plans for a family might be difficult in the future and he knew that one day he and Syed would want that... maybe not too far in the future either. They'd talked briefly about it and thought that adoption might be the best road to go down but now, would an agency just see the troubles of the past and say no?

He was also worried about hurting Syed with the nightmares. No matter how Syed acted or how often he told him he was there and happy to be all the support Christian needed, he still felt like he was taking advantage of him, or putting undue pressure on him. He wanted rid of them. He told Annabel that he was convinced that the nightmares and lack of sleep were the stem of his issues. He was so tired most of the time that he couldn't think properly. He felt that logic wasn't working when he was like this so if he could just get some proper rest and stop seeing monstrous images in his head then maybe he'd be able to move on.

She'd gone over new techniques with him. She'd called it 'dream imagery' and told him that before going to sleep he had to force himself into thinking happy thoughts, positive images and even rehearse them during the day. It was an attempt to force his subconscious to consider these things when he slept and although he was dubious, she did say there was data from PTSD patients who had found it useful. Now, he was willing to give anything a shot.

Syed was at the gym again.

He missed him. He knew eventually he'd go back to work there and Syed... well, Syed would...

With the Argee Bhajee now a burnt out husk, what would Syed do? He hadn't even thought about that before, not properly. They would have to talk about that.

They had so many things to talk about that hadn't been brought up yet, including their intimacy issues. Or Christian's intimacy issues... he hated not knowing what was going on in Syed's head when usually he could read him like a book.

"For heaven's sake mum, we'll do it in the summer, okay?" Christian took in his mother's glare and turned to Syed with an expression that clearly asked for his help.

"Early summer?" Syed tried.

"How about June?" Linda asked. She even had a pen and pad of paper out, already making herself their wedding planner.

"Well, my brother is planning his wedding in June. I don't want him to feel like we're stealing his thunder or anything."

"Why not do it as a joint thing?" Linda suggested, and Syed almost choked.

"No...no, bad idea." Syed and Christian exchanged glances again, which had become a code for their tag team where Linda was concerned.

"Different kind of wedding," Christian explained. "Tam and Afia will have this big Muslim 'do... as opposed to our..." He gestured between the two of them and Syed took up the reigns again.

"More understated ceremony."

'We don't want the reminders."

"My last wedding. Not happy for us."

"So we're just doing something small."

"Intimate."

Linda felt she was playing eye tennis as the two of them kept speaking. Christian tightened his grip on Syed's hand.

"Right then, okay." Linda rolled her eyes. "We can do intimate, we don't need a lot of people there."

"We were thinking July might be best..."

"August, though, if we can't get a July date. We have to consider it."

"Mum, are you okay to stay that long though? If you have to go back to Florida, we understand."

"Hey, now, none of that," Linda waved Christian off. "I'm fine. I'll be there. I'll see you married off."

"Great," Christian answered, his smile not altogether real. He may love his mother but sometimes there were limits as to how much of her he could take in one go.

*

Christian leaned back on the door after his mother left and Syed stood in the kitchen, laughing at him.

"Don't start," Christian moaned. "And don't humour her so much, her ideas are _not_ great! This is how we'll end up with no input into our own wedding."

"It's not that, it's just... you always moan about how much my mother gets in the way of us and now..." Syed gestured to where Linda had just been.

"Okay, fine," Christian pushed away from the wall and walked to the kitchen. "It must be a 'mother' thing and not just a 'Zainab' thing that makes them so pushy." Christian pulled Syed into a hug. "Why can't it just be the two of us?"

"We have to be sociable sometimes."

Christian made a non-committal noise.

"We're not expecting anyone for the rest of the day so it's just the two of us now."

Christian smiled at Syed. "Perfect."

*

Christian looked at himself in the mirror. Syed was finished in the bathroom and had gone back to the living room while he was taking longer. He opened up the mirrored cabinet and fished out the sleeping pills that Yusef had prescribed for him before. He'd been told not to take them anymore but they did keep him asleep for longer and he was so tired.

He considered everything.

If the dream imagery worked then maybe taking the sleeping pills along with the exercise would give him his first good night's rest in weeks.

His hazy, sleep-deprived mind told him this would work and he had sunk to a point where he'd do anything. It would stop his mother from moaning, it would stop his friends from worrying and it would lift the burden from Syed.

The other man didn't realise, but Christian knew it was taking its toll on Syed too - he'd seen it in his eyes every night that he woke with Christian to comfort him.

Running the tap, he swallowed two of the pills with some water. Then he did something stupid. If he took a little extra, would he stay asleep for longer? The thought was too appealing. He was reminded of how, when he was knocked out in the hospital, he hadn't dreamt of anything. If he tried to get to that stage again, it could be considered a fallback option for if the dream imagery didn't work. He knocked back one more pill. Three should be enough; he didn't want to risk being too conked out.

He turned the tap off, wiped his face in the hand towel and went back through to find Syed pulling back the covers. They'd already discussed the dream imagery earlier on over dinner. He'd described it to Syed as best as he could, using the words the counselor had.

Syed encouraged him into the bed with him and turned out the light. He hugged Christian close and used his massage skills to try and help Christian relax more. Christian lay between Syed's legs with his back against Syed's chest while Syed's hands massaged Christian's shoulders, neck and temples. "Tell me what you're thinking about. It might help?"

Christian stayed quiet at first, enjoying Syed's hands on him, feeling relaxed already, though some of that could have been the sleeping pills starting to act.

"Hmmmm," he began. "You... me... maybe on a beach... warm sun... just us, no one around..."

"What are we doing?"

Christian smiled, unable not to. "I don't know. Working on our tans for the most part but... it's really hot and the sea looks so inviting so we decide to go in."

"I bet the water is cold." Syed's hands continued to massage over Christian's head.

"Just a little. We have to hug in the water for some extra warmth..."

"Then what?" Syed asked, though Christian's words were already beginning to slow and slur... he'd be asleep soon.

"When we get out... you look gorgeous... your hair wet... the water looks like oil on your body... you're beautiful..."

"So are you..."

"Hmmmm...love..."

Syed kissed Christian's head and whispered, "I love you, too."


	34. Chapter 34

Christian woke slowly, surrounded by warmth. He tugged at Syed's arms and wrapped them tighter around himself. He took his time but there was something pulling him towards full alertness. The light? It was bright in here...

He blinked his eyes open and looked up to see a smile on Syed's face.

"Good morning," Syed said.

Christian yawned. "Good morning." He cleared his throat, his head woolly from just waking up, and then it hit him. "Morning?"

"It's just after seven."

"Seven?"

"You slept right through." The smile on Syed's face didn't falter, if anything it grew bigger. "You did it," he continued. "No nightmares." He kissed the top of Christian's head.

Christian realised they were still more or less in the same position they'd fallen asleep in, with Christian ensconced between Syed's legs and his back resting against Syed's chest, his arms around him like a cape.

Christian looked over at the window. Sure, it was light in here, but he needed to see the window to know that's where the light was coming from. "Wow," he whispered. "I don't remember anything... it's like I was just completely zonked out."

"You were," Syed laughed. "I've been awake for a little while. You looked peaceful. It was cute."

"Watching me sleep? That's just creepy."

"You've done it before."

"It's still creepy."

Syed mock strangled Christian, locking an arm around his neck, and they laughed as they rolled around on the bed, with both eventually falling onto their sides, facing each other.

Syed reached out his hand to cup Christian's face and looked at him seriously. "This could be a turning point. If we just keep repeating what we did last night then eventually you won't need any help anymore. We're getting somewhere now."

"I think I'd forgotten what it felt like to not be tired."

"Maybe we should go out and celebrate."

Christian screwed his nose up. "I'd rather just celebrate with you. Maybe even get some more sleep after, too."

"Well, as lovely as that sounds, we can't do it now. I need to get up and go to the gym. You feel like coming along?"

"Not this morning. Maybe tomorrow."

*

They were tidying up after having lunch when Syed decided that now, with Christian doing better, would be a good time to bring up something he'd been thinking about for a while.

"Christian?"

"Yeah?" came the response from around the pillar.

"I've been thinking."

"Never a good thing."

Syed chucked the tea towel at Christian, who laughed and picked it off the floor, tucking it in the handle of the oven.

"I've been thinking about the Argee Bhajee."

"Right." Christian leaned against the pillar, the smile falling from his face as he watched Syed lean back on the sofa.

"I think we should sell it."

"Why?"

"You know why. At the moment you can't even go near a place that you half own. And even when you _can_... I honestly don't want you to, and I don't want to have to go there either. There are too many bad memories in that place for us now." He sidled up to Christian, his hand going to the buttons on Christian's shirt. He tugged on one lightly. "We've got the gym still. We can run it together. Maybe I can finally finish the massage course and we can set up a full joint business for both of us."

"I don't know," Christian began, trying to let it sink in. "Regardless of what that burned building means to us we should think logically."

"We may not get much for it considering the state it's in, but the insurance took care of the damages. I say let's cut our losses, sell the husk and let the new owners worry about redecorating it."

"Okay, so we don't care about the money side of it but... are you sure you want to go back to massage... and working with me at the gym? As it is you have to put up with me here at home, that would mean doing so at work too."

"There is that," Syed considered, but did so with a smile on his face. "As far as I'm concerned though, having you in a room with me makes me happier, so if I get to work _and_ play with you then that's all the better."

Christian wrapped his arms around Syed and one hand played with the ends of Syed's hair. "I do like the sound of always having you with me. Much better than just a photo in my wallet."

"That's creepy."

"Not as creepy as watching me sleep."

Syed whacked Christian's arm, before grabbing his face and pulling him down for a kiss. "So it's settled then? I could go out this afternoon and see some Estate Agents about getting it on the market."

"Sounds good."

*

Syed was reading a book, trying to revise and remember where he'd learned up to for his massage course. His head was lying on Christian while he watched a game show on TV, their bodies forming an L shape.

"San Fransisco." Christian said. He kept saying the answers out loud, distracting Syed from his book.

Syed glanced up to read the question that was written across the bottom of screen. "Isn't it New York?"

"Wrong sport. That's football. San Fransisco Giants are baseball."

"Oh," Syed went back to his book, but Christian's hand stroking his stomach under his t-shirt was equally as distracting as him trying to prove he was smart. "How did you even know that?"

"Because I'm smart and I know things."

Syed twisted his head back to look at Christian, then back to the TV. "This is a repeat, isn't it."

"Yes, it is." Christian kept his straight face for a few more moments before he giggled. "Okay, fine... it shows I have a good memory instead."

"At least you're good for something." Syed placed his book aside, feeling it useless to keep trying to read the same paragraph over and over again.

"Oi. I'm good for many things."

Syed reached his hand back and curled it around Christian's neck. "Prove it." He pulled Christian's head round, forcing his body to contort to reach down most of the way, Syed raising himself up on his elbows to try and meet him halfway. They luxuriated in the kiss, letting their tongues lazily come together. The only thing that pulled them apart was the awkward angle they were at.

"How's that for proof?" Christian asked as he hovered over Syed.

"I think I need some more."

"Come here, you!" Christian grabbed his hand into Syed's t-shirt and lifted him up, making Syed scramble himself around so he could fall more on top of Christian. As they kissed there was a sense of urgency from both men as they knew where it was leading; for the first time in weeks they felt fully in tune with each other again. Their playfulness matched the happiness of something that seemed to be approaching normal again, that they could enjoy each others' company and bodies.

Christian ripped Syed's t-shirt over his head before doing the same with his own. He sought out Syed's face with his hands once he'd discarded the clothing and pulled him back in again. Messy, wet, kisses were accompanied by exploring hands that pulled at tightening jeans as both men clambered over the sofa desperate to touch, reach and kiss every inch of the other.

*

He didn't want to move, curled around Syed as he was, but he needed to. Christian pushed the covers back on the bed and, after a frustrated sigh, let go of Syed's hand and climbed out.

"Where are you going?" Syed asked.

Christian turned and made a gesture, stating the obvious. "Bathroom."

Syed's mouthed, 'oh', before he pouted, pulling the covers back up and hugging a pillow.

Christian looked at himself in the mirror in the bathroom and ran his hands over his face. Last night had worked. This night so far had been wonderful; he didn't want to screw things up. He was worried that the previous night was a one off, because he'd been so incredibly tired, because he'd taken those pills...

He opened the cabinet and took out the bottle. He'd taken three last night, just to be on the safe side. But now that he'd had some actual sleep, maybe he needed to be more realistic. Four? It wasn't much more, surely it would be okay. It wasn't like he was taking them often. It was 24 hours since his last dose.

He ran the tap and filled a glass with water. He threw back two pills, then another... then he took a breath before swallowing another. He was slightly nervous but still convinced four would be fine, it was just a little more and three had felt perfectly okay the night before.

He put the pills back in the cabinet, behind some other bottles. He didn't want Syed to see the bottle emptying and worry about him. He wanted Syed to think that it was all Christian's own doing. And Syed's... because he truly was helping. He didn't want to worry him. He didn't want him to think he needed this further help. He wanted Syed to think of him as much stronger than that.

He hit the flush on the toilet before going back out and climbing back into the bed. He pulled the covers up, crossed his arms in front of himself and stared at the ceiling.

"You're worried." Syed said.

"Can't get anything past you," Christian smiled, his head turning to Syed.

"You're not sure if last night was a fluke?"

Christian took a moment. "Got it in one."

"Come here."

Christian watched as Syed shifted in the bed, trying to make it easier for Christian to move into his embrace. He cuddled in close and sighed as he closed his eyes, just enjoying being wrapped up in Syed. This was where everything always felt better.

"We said it before... we'll repeat what works for as long as we need. That dream imagery... we can do that again, you just need to think those happy thoughts again."

"I feel like Peter Pan, trying to fly."

Syed laughed into Christian's hair, "Does that make me Tinkerbell? Thanks a lot."

"Now there's a happy thought..."

"Oi! Come on, be serious... besides, you're supposed to be Superman, not Peter Pan. And you're supposed to be thinking positive so you can get some sleep."

"Fine..." Christian huffed. He shifted slightly, pulling Syed's arms closer around his chest.

"What are you thinking about?"

"You... we're in the countryside... walking... I'm holding your hand."

"Is it warm?"

"Early spring... the sun's out but there's a bite in the air... a freshness... it's all green... flowers are starting to come out... it's pretty..."

"We're just walking?"

Christian nodded at first. "There's a field... it's big and empty and we lie down on a big blanket and stare at the clouds... there's one shaped like a..."

"I get it," Syed cut him off.

Christian gave a light giggle, the pills beginning to work. He already felt light headed and was drifting. He grabbed for Syed's hands where they were around him. "You never let go of my hand..."

"Of course not..."

"You never let it go, no matter what... you're always warm..." He tucked his face into Syed's neck. "... always hold onto me..."

"... never letting go..." Syed kissed Christian's head, as he fell asleep.


	35. Chapter 35

Christian rubbed his hands together as he sat opposite Yusef, explaining himself. "I mean, I don't think I need them for long but, whatever it is... a combination, I don't know, but it's been working."

Yusef smiled as he reached for his bag. "Working is a good sign."

"I hope so." He fell silent as he watched Yusef fish out a pad and pen from his bag. "It's down to Syed, really... he's been brilliant."

"You should consider yourself lucky to have such a strong support network around you."

"Thing is... I haven't told him. About taking the pills. I don't want him to know."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. Many people need something to help them out a little."

"I know. But... he's been through a lot with this. With me. I want him to think I'm fully back on track. I am. I will be. I just want him to skip this step..."

"What we discuss here, what I prescribe to you, is strictly between us. I don't discuss patient details with anyone but the patient. It's not my place to say anything."

"Thank you."

"Do you still have the older pills from before?"

"No... I'm sorry, I flushed them when I was annoyed," Christian lied, hoping he'd be able to cover up the fact that he was probably taking too many of them. But he was confident he could stop using them when he felt ready to and no one would know the difference.

"Okay, I'll give you a supply that should last you quite a while. Like you say though, it's a short term solution."

"Of course."

Yusef handed over the prescription to Christian, who looked at it warily. "Wait. Uhm... like I said, I don't want Syed to know about it."

"I don't understand."

"Is it possible for you to get them for me?"

"Christian, I know you've been making a lot of progress with Annabel..."

"Please, just... don't."

"I'm not shocked that you have difficulty facing the public. After what happened in the Argee Bhajee recently, not to mention the fire, I can see why you want to be left alone to work through things, but you should go outside."

"And I will. But I want to be stronger first. I want the graft to be blended in; I want my head to be screwed on right. The minute I step into the Queen Vic again, I know people will look. I need to be ready for that. And I'm not. Yet."

"Okay. I'll get these for you and be back shortly. But I can't make a habit of this."

"Like we said. Short term measure. We won't need to keep doing this."

"Let's hope not."

Yusef stood and made his way to the door, promising he'd be back shortly with what Christian needed.

*

Yusef returned a short while later, brandishing the box of pills for Christian. "Do you plan to hide them from Syed?"

"I don't want to."

"I was going to advise you on it being a bad idea."

"But?"

"But... considering how much I understand your motivations for doing so, I think you may have the right idea."

"Really?"

"You could say I don't condone hiding things from your partner, but it's a complicated issue. I understand why you would want to tread carefully where Syed is concerned."

Christian's face contorted into confusion. Yusef seemed to be supporting him but he felt like he was skirting a different issue. "What do you mean?"

"It's probably not my place to say. To interfere."

"Say it anyway."

Yusef perched on the end of the sofa. "Syed is clearly worried about you, which makes sense after what you've been through. You rely heavily on him, which also makes sense. I've watched the two of you together these past weeks, indeed since I've become the local GP here I have been able to get to know many of the local residents. I've not been here long, I don't know everyone's history, but I can see what people are like in the here and now."

"So what do you see in me and Sy?" Christian crossed his arms, mentally bracing himself for something negative. He was used to hearing that from people.

"You had a turbulent past. To reach this point, you both suffered heartache. My faith, that which I grew up in, is the same as Syed's, though a generation above him, obviously. In my own life I've had to re-interpret the word of God and I've come to similar conclusions in many respects. As a Doctor I like to think I have an understanding of people that others may not. Your sexuality is not something you chose, but something you were born with. Please don't paint me with the same brush that you might do with Masood."

"Okay..."

"Syed walked away from his family to be with you. To him, his parents are incredibly important. It's how he was raised, but he felt his love for you was too strong to ignore. He, and you, hurt a young girl in the process as well, for which I know neither of you ever wished to happen. Syed's feelings for you are so strong that I believe when he was faced with the prospect of losing you..."

"Go on."

"I think he's become incredibly dependent on you. Right now he is taking care of you in such a way that most wouldn't notice what he's doing."

"But I rely on him, I need him."

"Yes. You depend on him right now because of what you've been through - an ordeal that included physical harm."

"Are you trying to say we've got some kind of... unhealthy relationship?"

"What I'm trying to say is that Syed needs to spend time with other people. He's put all his hopes onto you. You're his family now, which is incredibly important to him. He needs you. But what he needs is friends around him too. I think you need to encourage him to get out more and meet people."

Christian held back for a moment when he felt a wave come over him, like some sort of possessive, jealous heat that was running through his veins. Logically, he knew Yusef meant friendship, but the way he phrased it made it sound like something else. He nodded in response to Yusef, not feeling confident enough to speak - biting his tongue so as not to aggravate the doctor.

He didn't want to retaliate with some knee-jerk 'Christian-esque' response. His default setting was to defend himself. Now that he had Syed in his life, that default had been expanded to defending Sy and their relationship against any comments from the outside world. But this was a Doctor talking and he respected him.

"Anything else?" Christian asked, hoping Yusef would take the hint.

"Syed is over-protective of you."

"Isn't that a good thing? I'm protective of him. I'd run into a fire for him. I did." Christian was well aware of Yusef's past, there was very little reason to sugar-coat anything he might be hinting towards.

"This problem you've been having, with going outside... Have you considered that it's not about you? That it's not your worries that triggered it?"

"What are you saying?"

"Syed's over-protectiveness is keeping you in here. You need him to step back in order for you to be more independent again. Maybe he's the one that needs to let go of worries. Not you."

*

Christian closed the door behind Yusef and thought about their conversation. He had been convinced that every problem he had was down to himself, that it was all his own doing. His and Alec's. He had never considered Syed being a cause.

Syed was his rock. He was there for him at every turn. Could it be that he was there for him too much?

But even if he was, Christian liked it. He loved it. Having Syed caring for him had always been amazing, right back to when this first happened. A time when Syed had encouraged him, called him Superman, all the while caring for him. Syed had been the one to break the spell last time and get Christian to open up again to the world. Surely he'd do the same again for him now.

The last few nights had been amazing. It was Syed who was getting him over everything. It was Syed who had stopped the nightmares, whether just by Christian using Syed's impact in his life as the positives for his dream imagery, or the physical side of having Syed in the bed with him, soothing him.

Even if Yusef was right, which was possible, Christian didn't know that he even wanted to let go of Syed in any way. He didn't know that he needed to push him away in order to gain back that lost piece of independence. Did he even need it back? He wasn't so sure. And he was in no rush for it. Once his head was feeling clearer and once his skin graft was closer to being healed, then he'd worry about it.

*

Yusef closed the blue door behind him with a satisfied look.

As he turned and walked down Turpin Road he smiled to himself. He could read both Christian and Syed so easily, and he could already see exactly where their current situation was leading them.

He didn't think Christian would say anything to Syed. His impression was that Christian would consider it all and then just let it go. He was set on blaming himself and, no matter what, would see no negatives of Syed or their relationship. It made them a strong couple, but it also made them blind to what was going on around them.

He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. Christian's original prescription.

He crushed it into a ball with one hand and dumped it in the first bin he came across.


	36. Epilogue

He was sat at his desk reading a newspaper when the call came in. He felt like he'd been waiting so long for this call, and it had finally happened. His source told him that a restaurant in Walford was finally up for sale.

Well, not really a restaurant right now, but it had been one and it was expected to be one again, but fire had ravaged it and transformed it into a blackened shell.

He'd been hoping the owners would sell it since he'd read about the fire in the local papers. He'd been devastated when he'd read them. It made the front page locally as there had been a death involved, not to mention others surviving in what had been trumped up as some sort of 'local hero running in trying to rescue people' story.

But he hadn't rescued everyone.

Alec Banagher had died in that fire.

Alec.

The man looked at the photos on the wall of his study. There was one of him with Alec right there in the middle. It had been taken at some awards function for the first restaurant Alec had owned. And there was another one further over from a few years later at the opening of a second restaurant.

He'd known Alec for years... since University. They'd had a bond of friendship that had sealed it all for them, but one of them liked the other a little more. Alec never knew, or if he did, he never let on, but there had always been hope that one day he might say something and reciprocate.

Something did change. He wasn't sure if it was instant or not but Alec began talking about working out and training and a new name entered their conversations more frequently. Then Alec bought a property in the East End and he hadn't questioned Alec about it. Maybe he should have. Alec began to pull away from him and towards this new life and new area and he should have stopped him. The East End? Really? What was down there?

He found out though.

A man that Alec had fallen for. Somehow this man didn't feel the same way and had let Alec die in a fire.

He'd quit his job over all of this. Luckily, having worked with Alec all these years he had enough money to fall back on and maybe he'd work again in the future, but right now his grief at losing the most important person in his world meant he couldn't concentrate on any other work. Alec had been his main source of income too, really, so it wasn't like he was giving up much.

He felt awful without his best friend, his confidante, the one person he had actually thought he could love if only it was returned.

He wanted Alec back, but he knew it wasn't possible.

He was aware of this East End Restaurant - the Argee Bhajee. He'd organised all the money for the new venture, he knew where it was, and he knew the ins and outs of it from the brief period of time that Alec owned it. He also knew the name of the person Alec had put in charge of it. The same went for that Gym he'd bought too and the person who was in there running it. That building still stood. Alec's will had given these businesses to the managers and he knew their names. He knew their connection to Alec and to each other.

What he didn't know beyond that was where they lived, or what they really looked liked... well, he'd put two and two together with regards to one of them, based on some old fliers he'd seen.

He'd visited Walford a few times in the last few weeks. He'd seen the burnt out building. He'd seen the gym, and yet he saw no one who matched the picture he had in his hands.

But now he'd had this call, the call to tell him the restaurant was up for sale and through this he'd be able to contact the sellers by putting a bid in for it. He'd find out, finally, who these people were that had ruined his life. The two responsible for Alec's death; for if he hadn't become mixed up with them, he'd still be alive.

What was so special about Christian Clarke? And who in their right mind turns down Alec Banagher for someone else? For Syed Masood? A name he was convinced matched some scrawny, little thing that probably wasn't any match for Alec in looks or personality.

*

It was after conversations through solicitors that he was finally able to trace them. It had taken a stupidly long time since he'd started hunting for them, but when they weren't listed in the phone book he'd had to take other measures and he didn't want to start asking locals. He wanted this to have no trace back to him for now through acquaintances of the pair.

They lived in a small flat above a chip shop. Hardly the Ritz. What did Alec see in this one?

He hung around outside, nearby on a seating area and watched carefully while slowly sipping from a cup of coffee. Eventually there was movement but this wasn't the man on the flier. Going by his ethnicity it must be the other. This one must be Syed.

He picked himself up from the seat and followed him through the streets. He didn't go far, just to a local shop, then to a market stall that he had previously noticed bore the same name as Syed, and he'd stood there for ages watching while Syed spoke to a young man wearing a fishnet hat who was serving the customers. After a while, he'd made his way back to the flat, all the while unaware of being watched.

He shook his head. This man was no Alec Banagher. Alec was blond and light, this guy had much darker features and dark eyes. He was shorter, and though he seemed trim, he didn't look like the kind of man you'd expect to be partnered with a personal trainer. He also didn't think Syed had run a brush through his hair in days, the mess it was in. Urgh, the East End... was it crawling with people like this?

For God's sake, Alec was so much better than this! He was the pinnacle! He'd been successful, debonair, handsome. These people must have done something to him, twisted him up in some way, led him on, it had to be something! Alec was no saint, he was ruthless in business and he'd had a tongue that could cut glass, but to get mixed up here... there was something he was missing in all of this and he needed to know what it was, and the only people who could answer him were these two.

He'd read the lies about suicide in the fire, he'd read the filthy local rags talking about Alec kidnapping a child and about faking a death? He hadn't believed a word of it. If Alec had done anything remotely like it then it had been for a reason and these locals had come together to blame him and not listen.

These two men. It's them! It's them to blame and the world should know!

Alec's good name needed to be cleared.

It was Christian Clarke. He'd started this, he's the one that needed to be dealt with. He's the one who had hurt him so much, hurt Alec and hurt him and Christian needed to know that same pain that was running through his veins right now.

What is it they say? An eye for an eye?


End file.
